How to Educate Friends & Family about the adoption process?

cjroberts4

First off HELLO ALL! My DH and I just recently decided to take the first steps towards adoption!! We plan to adopt from foster care. Our first meeting is in Oct. and we can not wait!!

SO now my question is...not knowing everything about adoption (although i can read info all day about it online) How do i get my friends and family to understand "the process". For example: My BFF said to me "Even the perfect family, that has the perfect house, and perfect jobs, don't get APPROVED."  Which i know that its not about being perfect, but how do i explain this when i don't even have all the info needed??

Question #2: Im so tired of being asked if i think its the right time to adopt? I usually don't know how to answer this question. It breaks my heart bc i want this more than anything...i know it can be a long bumpy road but you have to start somewhere??

MayDayGirl

First welcome! Second why In the world is your friend being so unsupportive? What a horrible thing to say to you!

Lastly people dont nees to question your timing, that's just rude. Only you guys can know the right timing, and don't need to explain IMO.

cjroberts4

Thanks for the support MayDay! this friend deals with the same infertility that i do we both have PCOS. I don't want to deal with fertility treatments. I have always closely considered adoption...ive researched it 1,000x before now i still had hopes TTC. But i finally said to my DH one day..."we need to pick a route to take, take it and don't look back" and that is what we are doing i know the negative replies boil down to they just don't know!

irismorning

Welcome and I am sorry that your friends are not being more supporative. I had several friends who were not entirely supportive when I first decided to adopt as well. (I am a single parent by choice.) However, they have come around. I would suggest buying the the book "In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You To Know About Adoption. A Guide for Relatives and Friends" by Elisabeth O' Toole. I read this after the adoption was finalized and I wish that I could have read it before and given it to people when they had questions.

lizlemmon19

Welcome to the board! We are also doing adoption from foster care. 

I am sorry people have been insensitive.  I have had some similar comments.  About not being approved, don't worry too much about that.  They are not looking for perfect people, just perfect for a particular child or group of children.  I can tell you more about what they look for if you want.

 In regards to the timing thing, you are the only one who knows that.  I have found most insensitive comments are based around lack of education around adoption, and their own worries/anxieties they put on you.  I got a lot of "But can you afford it? two kids is sooo much! And sooooo expensive."

 

Feel free to vent here!

Rachel Sonnier

cjroberts4:

Thanks for the support MayDay! this friend deals with the same infertility that i do we both have PCOS. I don't want to deal with fertility treatments. I have always closely considered adoption...ive researched it 1,000x before now i still had hopes TTC. But i finally said to my DH one day..."we need to pick a route to take, take it and don't look back" and that is what we are doing i know the negative replies boil down to they just don't know!

Edit: I just saw that a PP already suggested In On It! Sorry!

I was able to find a great book called "In On It." It was incredible how it changed our adoption experience so far with our family. It is very informative, and it stopped a lot of the nervous questions, expelled some of the more popular myths, and actually got some of our family members who didn't quite know how to approach the subject, talking to us about it! I think the PPs are correct that a little adoption education goes a long way.

As far as your friend with IF goes, I have found that many of my IF friends are uncomfortable with us adopting. I think it just goes back to it being a personal choice for you guys, and its ok if they choose to pursue treatment and you don't. Every family has to choose their own path, and its ok if those paths are different. As far as the timing goes, I think there will always be someone waiting around holding out hope that if you just wait a little bit longer you will magically get pregnant. At the end of the day, it's your dream and your family, and only you and your DH can decide when the time is right, and when you are done waiting. Good luck, and keep us posted on your journey!!

MagickalNarwhal

We had the same concerns tho we did an infant adoption through an agency so we set up a blog and posted about once every week or two, with info on our process, answering questions about adoption etc. Unfortunately, we found that most people didn't read it. The ones that did were those who already knew about adoption and were already our biggest cheerleaders several adult adoptee friends, and another adoptive parent. We had to wrap our brain around the high probability that going forward with adoption meant taking on the LIFELONG role of "Adoption Educator".

Lots of people came around after our son arrived and they met him, but we still get a fair amount of comments that...require a patient response, shall we say. I'm sorry your friend was so rude and clueless! Sometimes people do need some guidance to what's ok/supportive to say etc but some just lack basic manners and a filter and there's not much you can do. Saying in appropriate things about adoption in general is sadly pretty acceptable in our culture at large.

CaptainSerious

MagickalNarwhal:

We had the same concerns tho we did an infant adoption through an agency so we set up a blog and posted about once every week or two, with info on our process, answering questions about adoption etc. Unfortunately, we found that most people didn't read it. The ones that did were those who already knew about adoption and were already our biggest cheerleaders several adult adoptee friends, and another adoptive parent. We had to wrap our brain around the high probability that going forward with adoption meant taking on the LIFELONG role of "Adoption Educator". Lots of people came around after our son arrived and they met him, but we still get a fair amount of comments that...require a patient response, shall we say. I'm sorry your friend was so rude and clueless! Sometimes people do need some guidance to what's ok/supportive to say etc but some just lack basic manners and a filter and there's not much you can do. Saying in appropriate things about adoption in general is sadly pretty acceptable in our culture at large.

I have to agree with a lot of this.  We gave my parents and inlaws a couple of short books designed to introduce families of people adopting with the adoption process and some of the difficulties/differences faced by adoptive families (such as attachment issues,biological family histories,dealing with past trauma, etc.) so they'd have an idea about some of the things we were going through.  My mother said my father only read the introduction and first chapter of one of the books and refused to read any more, because he didn't like the "preachy, judgemental tone of the author."  My mother assured me she read the book, but all she got out of it was that we wanted her to mind her business and not give us any feedback on how we raise our children.  "Wouldn't it have just been easier for you to tell us to butt out?" she asked me.  So the message we hoped to send--that we might do things that they don't understand with out children, cut them slack in certain situations, let them regress, and hold them to different standards than we would if they were our healthy, biological children--was completely lost on them.

That being said, my parents love my children to death.  They tell me all the time how blessed we are.  They think I'm too strict with them most the time, and hurt when they know my boys are hurting.  My parents still don't understand much of what we work through, or the extent of some of the wounds my boys have, but they don't really have to in their role as grandparents.

So I would tell her that you understand her concern, but this is what you and your husband have decided is best for your family, and that you'd appreciate her support.  Feel free to answer her questions and tell her what you learn as you go through the process, and give her a little time to get used to the idea.  It's probably difficult for her to come to terms that you have chosen not to do fertility treatments and (1) travel that road with her; and (2) she may be questioning her own path.  Some people will never feel comfortable with the idea of adoption--and that's okay, as long as she supports you and eventually treats your children the same as she would any biological children you might have had.

DaisyZH

Welcome to the board!!  We are also planning to adopt from foster care.

I'm sorry that your friend was not very supportive.  Unfortunately some people have a very limited understanding of adoption, or just a bad attitude about it in general.  All you can do is educate her, and ask her to respect you and your decisions just as you respect hers.  The same thing goes for the timing issue - you and your DH know your lives best so if you think this is the right time then that is what matters. 

I'm sorry, I really do wish that people's reactions were all just universally positive but as you can see from PPs it's a common thing to have at least some people that are negative.  Keep your head high and don't let them diminish your excitement and joy. 

Foster1Mom

Welcome to the board.

elissaann26

Welcome to the board!

Here is my two cents!  I found that most of the people who said insensitive things to us when we announced we were becoming foster parents didn't actually mean to be offensive.  Most of the time they just don't know the appropriate vocabulary to use and therefore pick the wrong words/terms. 

We tried our best to be VERY patient and take the rude comments as an opportunity to teach them about foster parenting.  We figured the rude comments would never end unless we were open and willing to discuss our decision.  I will say that sometimes these conversations were VERY hard for both parties.  But I found some HUGE sources of support from friends/neighbors because they were interested in foster care but didn't know where/who to get more information from.  Also I have had a few friends tell other people about us and then it turns out they were somehow connected to adoption/fostering and have since provided us with support.

I will say that we were (and still are) shocked at who was truly supportive of our decision to become foster parents.  Some people that we thought would be right by are side are no where to be found.  Others who we expected to never hear from were the first to sign up to become an approved babysitter or were the ones bringing us dinner the first week we had the boys.  Because our support has come from some very unexpected avenues, I am so thankful that we took so much time in the beginning to really talk through our decision with people.

My caveat to all of this is that some people get WAY too personal.  I would also make a smart comment about how the condition of my uterus was really no one's business and typically that would stop the "Why don't you try to get pregnant?" or "Oh, you can't conceive?" questions.  And if it didn't then I'd just be blunt with them and say that fostering is the right thing for our family right now.  Do you have any other questions about foster?  And typically they got the message. 

Good luck!  And definitely keep us updated with your journey! 

cjroberts4

Thanks for all the support and encouraging words!! I have started a Blog and i have told my BFF that i wish for her to read it. I decided to put in this blog the MYTHS of Adoption that can be seen on the Adoptuskids.org website. I don't know if she will read it?? She has told me that they are pursuing fertility treatments which i 100% support her in doing. I just wish that i could get the same 100% support in return Im a graphic designer and i plan to design a book that i can have printed with information about adoption. Nothing big just enough to get our point across and hopefully answer a lot of the questions.

Thanks AGAIN Everyone!