Non-AP friendships
Izybel18
member
Just wondering how many of you are able to maintain friendships with other mamas who are not AP? I've been good friends with a former coworker, and we've known each other since before we were married or had kids. Now that we're both mamas I'm finding our differences in parenting styles sort of unsettling. She is the nicest, sweetest person I know, but she and her DH believe in spanking and strict training methods. It's hard for me to reconcile this sweet person with such a harsh parenting style, and every time I see her I can't help feeling distressed for a few days afterward. Maybe I'm being too sensitive? I don't feel a need to convince her my way is "right" because I do believe everyone is entitled to their own parenting style, I'm just having a hard time being around it, I guess.
Our children are young right now, but should I be concerned about my very AP daughter being exposed to another parent's non-AP methods? How do toddlers and older kids handle that?
Re: Non-AP friendships
None of my close friends IRL are AP, and sometimes we differ in opinions, but I just try to roll with it and know that I am doing what is best for my child. They have to make those choices for their own children. It used to bother me, but not so much anymore.
As our kids are getting older it is pretty obvious that my son is a different brand of toddler and somewhat "easier," because he generally listens to me, and doesn't throw tantrums. When they talk about how "lucky" I am, I usually just try to explain very simply that he listens because he trusts me, and he doesn't throw tantrums because I listen to him, so he doesn't really need to. I try my best not to push, and I certainly wouldn't lose a friendship over it. I think just being a good example is all that you can do :-)
With toddlers, a little pat on the butt doesnt scream child abuse to me- even though I think it's completely counter intuitive and NMS. A full-blown, bare-bottom spank on a little one? Totally different story. I want to get all preachy and say it's ridiculous to end a friendship over parenting styles, but if I thought a friend was mean to their kids, I wouldn't hang out with them either.
Older kids know what spanking is. If my son came home from a friends house and told me friend got a spanking, Id ask him about it. Was his parent angry? Did they talk first/ after? Did you see it? How do you feel about that? Are you comfortable going over there again? Unless the parent was ever to cross boundaries with my kid, I'd leave it up to him.
There is no way that kids aren't going to see non-AP relationships.
I think if it's stressing you out for days afterwards, you are being a bit sensitive ;-) I do have close mama friends who are pretty much AP - but I have other friends as well who are less so ...it is what it is. If a subject comes up - say, "what did you do about sleep?" - I offer my experience and reasoning and leave it at that. And that's only if it gets asked for.
I think as our children get older and choose their own friends it's increasingly likely they'll meet all sorts of parents - that's life though.
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You're never going to be able to shelter your daughter from the world. There's no sense in trying.
You may be too sensitive/overreacting--it really depends on how the spanking is occuring. Are they being overly rough/constantly spanking the child or is it just an occasional quick swat on the bottom? If it's the latter you're being too sensitive. If they really are being over the top with the spanking, perhaps you should distance yourself and get CPS involved.
I don't know what I'd do about your specific situation. If it makes you that uncomfortable, it's probably a sign that you need to move on from that friendship, in all honesty.
The majority of our friends aren't AP, but it's never been a big deal. But they also don't spank or are super authoritarian, parenting-wise. When I opened your post, I thought it would be something like that, but Baby-Wise and those wackadoo jerks who advocate whipping kids with tubing are both methodologies that are full of crap, and a reason I'd stop being friends with someone. hth!
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
Thanks everyone, there were seem really great thoughts/responses in here! I know I can't shelter DD from the world forever, but she's only 7 months so part of me still likes pretending I can
As one PP said, my mommy friends are also few and far between, so I'm hesitant to "drop" anyone right now. My friend is also 8 months pregnant with her second, so I'm curious to see how her discipline might change when she has 2 kids, whether she relaxes a bit. It's hard because we see eye to eye on everything else major, religion and politics etc. but we have some very clear differences on parenting styles.
I think I will leave it alone for now and wait until our kids are older. If DD seems to be affected by it, then I'll reevaluate. I should add that my friend did not spank her daughter in front of us, she just made reference to it a lot the last time we visited, like it was a common occurrence.
I am a "wish I could have been AP but didn't have an AP child" mom. I am friends with a lot of AP moms because those are the people I gravitate toward naturally. I feel like a lot of time, I get a lot of judgment from them because I didn't nurse, cosleep, or babywear, and we sleep trained and I couldn't wait to get back to work after SAH for 16 months.
I have, what I believe to be, reasonable explanations for all these decisions, but it basically boils down to the fact that I set out to AP but my baby wasn't on board, so I followed his lead and parented him the way he needed to be parented. I realize that *most* children thrive under AP, but my child wasn't unable to nurse, hated cosleeping, and fought being held or restrained in any way since about 4 months. He was making himself ill refusing to sleep at about 7 months, despite hours of attempted rocking, shushing, patting, pacifier, swaddling, and roomsharing. So I made the decisions that I made to benefit my son, and we are all much happier now.
That being said, spanking and militant discipline are on a different level. I don't call that "non AP", I call it "borderline abuse". I can't understand why some of more AP moms in my group distance themselves from me because I didn't nurse, babywear, or cosleep, but I could totally understand not being friends with someone who is essentially abusing their child (although some view sleep training as abuse, I guess). It would be really hard to look the other way when that is happening, and I wouldn't want my son exposed to that. I don't spank because I don't believe that hitting a child is okay, but also because I don't want my son to think that it is okay to hit. Having him around a parent who is setting that example would be a deal breaker for that friendship.
I'm sorry, but this really bothers me. You are aware that all toddlers are different, and that you don't have a good toddler because you AP, right? You come off as kind of snotty and superior. I have a really, really hard toddler. He also has a severe receptive communication delay and SPD. He looks like a normal toddler, but he is bouncing off the walls active, never sits still, and doesn't follow most instuctions or commands. He gets really frustrated and throws tantrums because he has trouble communicating his needs to me. It has nothing to do with my parenting methods. Being non-AP does not mean that my toddler doesn't trust me, or that I don't listen to him, and it's shiity of you to say and/or think that.
I remember, as a kid, being glad that certain parents weren't my parents. Being exposed to these kinds of methods would only make your child grateful to you, I would assume.
And it's always unsettling to be around discipline, even when the discipline is totally acceptable. Granted, harsh discipline is much more awkward.
I wouldn't end a friendship based upon awkwardness though....
Okay I just have to say...this reads a lot like you are trying to change her when really I don't see what's wrong with what she wants to do. Different strokes for different folks. Your view is not wrong, but neither is hers.
I don't CD, I loathed BFing, and my daughter has been sleeping in her room since we got home. (I can't really speak about CIO because I've never had to do it. She's a great sleeper on her own.) I also love my daughter more than anything in this whole world. None of the choices I've made make me a bad mom and I suspect your friend will be a good mom too regardless of what she chooses.
I have many friends that are AP. Some of them are VERY AP. I don't judge them and they don't judge me. I haven't run into any issues at all. I think if you are going to let a parenting style get in the way of a friendship, you have bigger issues with the friendship than just parenting styles.