***Loss Check-In***

Mrs Nice

Hello Ladies,Welcome to our Thursday Check-In!I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?QOTW: If you had a memorial service for your angel, what were some of the most moving things that were said or done during the service?Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?GTKY: Did you participate in any sports or clubs while you were in school?

fluttergirlmoonchild79

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?I had my first experience of answering the "do you have any kids?" question with a neighbor.  I don't have this experience often as I work from home so I barely leave the house.  I had rehearsed an answer because I knew at some point it would happen and it actually went pretty well.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?  When my DH went back to work and I was still off, to help pass the time, I began writing our story.  I could probably turn it into a book.  Since I started working again I haven't had the time to finish it.  I'm going to try and dedicate one day a week to working on it and hope to finish it soon and maybe look into getting it published.
QOTW: If you had a memorial service for your angel, what were some of the most moving things that were said or done during the service?I don't know if this is moving but the preacher we used for the service (we don't have an actual church so used this guy on a recommendation from a family friend) was amazing.  We had just met him 4 days prior to the service and his sermon was like he knew everything that was in my head.  Best line "People always say God has a plan for everything.  Well if this is God's plan, then God's plan sucks!"  People still talk about it.  DH also said a few words that were simply wonderful.  I was so proud of him.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?Corbin a lot.  We have a lot of friends who had babies last year so now they're all turning 1 and I keep thinking about how big he'd be, what he'd be doing and planning his birthday.
GTKY: Did you participate in any sports or clubs while you were in school?I'm not athletic in any way, shape or form.  I was in band and orchestra and jazz band and stuff like that.  I was a drum major for 2 years as well.  (yep, I was a band geek)

jbranden12

Hey ladies, happy Thursday! Only two more work days until the weekend!
Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?Last night my aunt was in town visiting. We talked about Patricia and I was in a very calm, peaceful place. I didn't cry, and I don't feel guilty about it because I know crying does not equal loving my daughter.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?No, still taking things a day at a time. 
QOTW: If you had a memorial service for your angel, what were some of the most moving things that were said or done during the service?We did not have a service or funeral. It didn't feel like something we needed. The only family members who live in TX were able to come to the hospital and meet her, so that was enough for me.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?Still working with DH on our relationship. There are some things (mainly alcohol use) that we don't see eye to eye on and it's been difficult.
GTKY: Did you participate in any sports or clubs while you were in school?I was a huge theatre geek as well as a competitive dancer. My junior and senior years, I had leading roles in all of our productions and I practically lived and breathed onstage. 

ILoveRedVino

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? We had the baby's ashes blessed this week, and I feel much more at peace now.  I know there will still be bad days, but it did feel good.  We also made a decision about where the baby's ashes will be spread.  They're on a shelf in the closet right now and it just feels like his final resting place should be somewhere more sacred.  I'm not ready to do that yet, but it feels nice to have made the decision.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I think spreading the ashes is really the only step in closing this chapter.  I want to wait until fall, when leaves are changing colors - I don't know why, but that feels right.  I know that doing it is going to be soooo hard, but I feel like for us, it needs to be done.  And by "closing the chapter" I don't mean forgetting... but just moving to the next chapter.

QOTW: If you had a memorial service for your angel, what were some of the most moving things that were said or done during the service? We had a private blessing done, but no service.  Our religious leader blessed the ashes and we talked for a long time about why these things happen and how to get through it. 

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I've really come to the conclusion that his ashes don't belong in our house.  It feels so good to have him home and out of testing, but I feel like it isn't fair to him.  We need to let him go, let him find peace, and we have the perfect place to do that.  I KNOW THIS IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE, so I'm not at all judging others, but I feel like our boy should be somewhere else.  I also have TTC on my mind.  Baby Boy will never ever ever be replaced or forgotten, but I still want to have a baby.

GTKY: Did you participate in any sports or clubs while you were in school? High school I played softball and ran cross country.  In college I wasn't an athlete but was in lots of activities/clubs/organizations.

ILoveRedVino

fluttergirlmoonchild79:

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I had my first experience of answering the "do you have any kids?" question with a neighbor.  I don't have this experience often as I work from home so I barely leave the house.  I had rehearsed an answer because I knew at some point it would happen and it actually went pretty well.

How did you answer this?  I know my situation is a lot different than yours, but I've wondered the same.

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I'm the kind of person who cannot deny that I have a son regardless of where he is.  In order to get the point across without it seeming harsh and also acknowledging Corbin I say "We have a son who is an angel in heaven."  This way, people know that we do have a child (because we do) and that he's no longer here with us.  I've tried "we have a son but he doesn't live with us" but I realized people might take that as I'm divorced and lost custody of my son or we lost custody or something like that and if I just say "we have a son who's an angel" people tend to think I'm just saying my kid is a good baby (he was but that's beside the point)  then they ask "oh, how old is he" etc. and I have to clarify.  I figured my way covers all bases and it seems to be working pretty well.  

ILoveRedVino

fluttergirlmoonchild79:

I'm the kind of person who cannot deny that I have a son regardless of where he is.  In order to get the point across without it seeming harsh and also acknowledging Corbin I say "We have a son who is an angel in heaven."  This way, people know that we do have a child (because we do) and that he's no longer here with us.  I've tried "we have a son but he doesn't live with us" but I realized people might take that as I'm divorced and lost custody of my son or we lost custody or something like that and if I just say "we have a son who's an angel" people tend to think I'm just saying my kid is a good baby (he was but that's beside the point)  then they ask "oh, how old is he" etc. and I have to clarify.  I figured my way covers all bases and it seems to be working pretty well.  

I agree with this.  I've only been asked once since our loss and it was FIVE DAYS after it happened, so I just started crying.  The poor lady.    I've thought about saying "We had a baby but he passed away."  I don't want to make other people (especially strangers, and they are strangers if they're asking this question) feel uncomfortable, but he IS our first baby...

fluttergirlmoonchild79

ILoveRedVino:

I agree with this.  I've only been asked once since our loss and it was FIVE DAYS after it happened, so I just started crying.  The poor lady.    I've thought about saying "We had a baby but he passed away."  I don't want to make other people (especially strangers, and they are strangers if they're asking this question) feel uncomfortable, but he IS our first baby...

I used that for a while but I've come to not be able to say the p word (or the d word) and I don't like to say we lost him because to me you say you lost something when you can't find it (like your keys or the remote).  I know right where my son is, he's not lost.  

5 days after Corbin became an angel, DH and I went to CVS to pick up the pictures we were having printed to use at Corbin's memorial and the lady at CVS (who was always working when I went to that one) was the one who printed off the pictures and she told us "he's so cute!  Enjoy them while they're young because they grow up so fast!"  I know she didn't know and didn't mean anything by it but I had to run out of the store.

I got to a point a long time ago where I don't care if I make people uncomfortable.  Like you said, he is our first child and if you're going to ask, I'm going to tell you and if you're uncomfortable when I do, so be it.  I honestly wish people could realize how loaded of a question it is.  The neighbor I told the other day, we were talking to again the other night and she said she was sorry she asked because she could tell I struggled.  I told her it was ok and that I'm glad she asked and that I knew at some point they and the neighbors around us will ask.  We're the new people on the block and unfortunately it's a "getting to know you" type of question.  They then shared with us the fertility issues they had and the miscarriages etc. Other than saying the horrible "god had a bigger plan" statement (again, I know she meant well), she's actually said all the right things and have asked us a lot of questions about him.

I know this is all still very fresh for you.  As time goes on, you'll figure out your ways to handle things.  It just happens.  When I was where you were, I never thought I'd make it this far but somehow I have and we have.  I don't like to say things get "better" but you learn, in time, how to handle situations and what works and what doesn't and how to handle your triggers.  Wishing you peace and love!

BronwynJaede

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?I bought a necklace that holds some of Jack's ashes and it calms me to know he is with me 24.7.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?I'm moving back to my home country next year - I need my family.  I'm starting to look at university courses I can do once I'm back home.
QOTW: If you had a memorial service for your angel, what were some of the most moving things that were said or done during the service?I didn't have a service of any kind - I plan to when I'm back home.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?Jack should be 6 weeks old...
GTKY: Did you participate in any sports or clubs while you were in school?I played tennis & netball and was on the debate team.  Clubs aren't really a thing in Australia.

OSUWifey09

nola78:

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Next week is my EDD.  I've been really very sad lately, and my goal is to just make it through that day.  I'm not sure if I should take that day off work or not. 

My EDD is in 1.5 weeks - I'm still out on medical leave but purposely told my bosses I won't be back to work until after that day because I just want that time to myself. I hope you find some time that day to be on your own and just have some quiet time. *hugs*

OSUWifey09

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?Not really. If anything, I feel like I've taken three steps back; my EDD is in 1.5 weeks, and it's fully setting in that my son is gone. It hurts. 
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?I really just want to get set up with a therapist and talk out my feelings/emotions. I'm so all over the place right now.
QOTW: If you had a memorial service for your angel, what were some of the most moving things that were said or done during the service?My dad got up and talked about how much he loved me, how much he loved Devon and would always love him, and thanked everyone for coming together to help us say goodbye. The pastor was so great, too; he shared his story about how he helped his daughter when she lost a baby. He said something like, "It will never make sense why this happened, but just know you have a baby up there who will always be your angel and will always be in your heart." 
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?I'm dreading going to my OB next week for my postpartum. My situation is unique - I was in my hometown when everything happened, which is 2.5 hours away from the town I currently live in. So I haven't seen my OB since before I lost Devon. He's been my family doctor/OB for almost four years now, so we know each other pretty well; seeing him and his nursing staff is just going to emotionally set me off. I know it. 
GTKY: Did you participate in any sports or clubs while you were in school?I played varsity volleyball, was in Key Club, volunteered for a couple of city teen organizations and was on the academic team. I was also in orchestra [played the violin].

AmeliaKris

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Well aside from my d & c yesterday I am just trying to get through the day today.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? My next goal is to go to a church function for our older children on Sunday night. My Dh has 3 kids from a previous marriage that are with us full time. This was our first pregnancy together.  I feel like I need to try and do something to be "normal", whatever that is at the moment. I also want to show the older kids that sadness is okay but you need to take steps to move forward. Its really hard, but I am trying.
QOTW: If you had a memorial service for your angel, what were some of the most moving things that were said or done during the service? We are having a service in November. A local funeral home takes the remains of all d & c babies and cremates them. They then put them in a baby urn. When the urn is full, they have a service and bury the urn in a miscarriage memorial garden. It will be nice to have a place to mourn our loss.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? Mainly just getting through the week. I nanny on Mondays and Tuesdays. I was only 10 weeks so I didn't tell my nanny family about it. They just had a new baby. It will be really rough seeing the mom (who is home on maternity leave) holding the baby and hearing him cry. I know I will be thinking of what could have been. I guess if I lose it, then I lose it and cry. Just trying to get by without having to untell as many people as I already have. I am really trying to stay positive. I am really thankful for this board.
GTKY: Did you participate in any sports or clubs while you were in school? I was in choir for 4 years and softball for one year. I also was in National Honor Society. I did a few plays as well.