Emotions - normal grief or post partum?

ILoveRedVino

It has now been a month since we lost Baby and I gave birth.  His body has been cremated, testing is completed, I'm physically just fine.  There are days when I feel sort of ok, I smile, I laugh, I have fun.  There are other days when I just feel like shiit, there is no other way to describe it.  I feel lost and sad... and sometimes there isn't an adjective to describe it... just crappy. 

Is all grief the same, or is some of this the hormones/emotions that come from giving birth?

Not that it matters... I'm just curious.

And how long does it last?  I mean, how long does it go on where there are days when it feels impossible to get out of bed, impossible to have a conversation, and your mind just revolves around sadness?

eroplane

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I am so sorry for your loss. Grief is different for everyone and throw extra hormones on top and it's all over the place. There really is no set way to grieve. Some days may be good and others bad. I am about 8 months out and not a day goes by that I don't think about my babies. Sometimes I talk to them but usually I just cry. I think the loss of a child is one of the worst things a person can endure. I don't think we are ever the same but we learn how to cope. I do have more good days now then bad but I still have plenty of ugly cries. This is our new normal. Again I am so sorry for your loss. Big, big hugs. 

jbranden12

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I know it sounds cliche, but there is no normal with grief. I laughed and smiled in the hospital with my family while we waited for Patricia to be born. I have moments now, months later, where the pain is so overwhelming I can hardly move. Patricia was our first child, so my only experience with pp hormones has been with grief, but I think it's safe to say that we will never experience "normal" pp hormones again, either.

For most women I have been in contact with, there are no stages that one goes through in succession that lead to a life with no remaining sadness or grief. But with healthy grieving the days of intense pain slowly become fewer, and we can think of our children and smile remembering the joy they brought our lives, even as we feel the constant ache for all of the missed memories. However, everyone has different triggers, and these can bring us back to the deepest pain imaginable. With love and support from those around us, we make it through to the times of peace and, hopefully, joy. 

The most important thing is to let yourself grieve the way you need to. As hard as we know it is, try not to feel guilty for the moments you can laugh and be happy. Brush off any who judge you for the moments you are consumed with sadness. It's a lifelong process. 

katyms7

I am new to this board. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost our first DS 3 weeks ago when he was 6 days old.

I am having the same kind of days that you describe. I have been wondering the same thing and called today to make a Dr's appt to talk to my Dr. to see if I have any PP feelings. I have more good days then bad days but when it is a bad day, I can't do anything. 

 What I have been doing is my husband and I are starting counseling at the end of this week to make sure we are going through the grieving process. Also, I am trying to keep myself as busy as I can since I am off work. I make sure to schedule plans with a friend or family member as often as I can. If I don't have any plans, I make sure to get out of the house even just to go for a drive. That seems to help me.

Sending lots of hugs your way.

pottermommy

***Ticher/Siggy Warning***

Grief is so multi fauceted and ever changing.  I am four years out and sometimes I still feel flattened by it, it makes me feel sick, sometimes physically nausious. 

In the beginning, I was like that alot, there was this permanant pain in the center of my chest it felt like I was constantly having a heart attack.  After a while it gave way and now I still feel it sometimes, I have learned to associate it with a panic attack.

Your grief will ebb and grow as you do, you will learn to live with your new you and this new range of emotion that you never even realized existed.

The hormones don't help, at all, they will intensify things but when they go away the grief will still be there, it will always be present, it will just change with you and become a peice of who you are, some days it will be managable, somedays it will be suffocating, but it is normal, everything you are feeling is normal.

 

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cherrycobbler

Grief is an emotional rollercoaster ride that seems to never end.  I still have crappy days, but I also have really great days too.  Sometimes a great morning followed by a really crappy afternoon, it changes constantly and you never know what you are going to wake up with.  I'm like pottermommy (and probably others) where I just  have a pain in my chest a lot of the time.  I assume it is grief and maybe some stress thrown in.  Some days it's not there at all.  I think about my son all the time.  Unless I am actively working on something, I am thinking about him.  While I shower, while I cook, while I shop, he is always on my mind.   Some times I do wish that I could just forget about him for a day, just to be free from the grief, but I would not trade my knowledge of him for anything.  Even though I wish he was still with us, and it would be great if I didn't get all emotional about every little thing now, I'm glad that I can look back on just knowing that he is mine and he will always be my baby.  

I know that while I was on maternity leave, I developed some anxiety about going into public.  My MIL took me to lunch once a week and I always wanted to say no, but I'm glad I just didn't feel like hurting her feelings by saying no. Getting out of the house a little at a time was probably just what I needed.  I needed a reason to get off the couch and take a shower.

I don't think the sadness will ever end, but hopefully, you will be able to have more good days than bad, and you can look back at the time you had with your baby and remember some happy times. 

Williamandshawnna

I am so sorry. I don't have too much experience as I am only a few months from our lossses. I asked this same question about a month or so ago.  Like previous posters said, grief is so different for every person. I have my good days, ok days and totally ugly days. This is the new normal, my sons are always on my mind, there are days at work that I am super busy and all of a sudden when it slows down it's almost like 8 hours of tears had been on hold and come out at once.  I ask myself everyday if and when this will get easier, and then I feel guilty that I think those thoughts because I feel as if I am taking something away from my sons some how. So the thoughts grief puts into our minds is just plain unfair.

Please be gentle with yourself. I wish you peace and comfort everyday.

HUGS

~Shawnna