A SD's perspective (long)

ZeeSunflowery1

I had 2 separate families as a child.  My BM is a SM to my SB and S Sister. We were 4 and 3 (SS and I are 8 days apart), respectively.  My SM was 5 years younger than my BD when they got married a week after my mom and SD (both of my parents have been re-married for 24 years).

 When my mom and SD (who I call my dad...I call my step siblings my brother and sister) got married they decided that no matter how they feel about the exes, they never say an unkind word and would do everything they could to make sure the family worked.  Dad paid child support EVERY single pay check (no matter how tight the budget was) and made sure we NEVER went on vacation without my siblings. We had the same set of rules and expectations.  We were all rewarded for our good behavior and were given consequences for bad behavior.

 My BD is a sweet, kind man, but easily a pushover.  I never remember NOT being afraid of my SM. I never felt welcomed and always felt like I wasn't supposed to be there.  I was so scared that I would do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing, that I barely spoke and tried to sit quietly.  

That usually backfired and she would snap at me saying "Go play!" or "Speak up!".  There were a few instances where she would pinch me when my dad wasn't looking or say stuff out of earshot like "How would you feel if your father told you he didn't want you to sleep over (after finding out I didn't invite my cousin to sleepover once)."

 She is the first person I ever referred to as a "bad person".  My mom and dad would always ask if my SM was treating me ok.  I lied (as early as age 5) because I didn't want them to say something to my BD and then deal with the repercussions from her the next time I visited. I was a shell of the bubbly crazy kid that I was at home.

 Only after I graduated from college was able to tell my parents how it really was.  Apparently, they knew something was up because I would come home pale, drawn, and it would take a week for me to get back to my normal ridiculous self. 

 Why am I writing this?

Because of her selfishness, I don't have a relationship with my HS, BD, or that entire side of the family. I got phone calls 4x a year (to schedule weekend visits). My mom has confirmed that I wasn't delusional in thinking that my dad never called.  my mom also said she never made it hard for my dad to see me, so I know it wasn't her fault.

Are you a SM?  Keep this in mind.  Your actions towards your step-children DO NOT go unnoticed.  If you despise the ex or have ill feelings towards the ex, they will pick up on this.  If you want your step kids to have a decent relationship with you, then put your petty feelings behind and be an adult.  Don't talk about the exes in front of the kids, don't talk about money issues concerning the ex.  Don't treat your bio-kids and step-kids differently.  Be an adult.

I don't care if you flame me.  I've spent 25 of my almost 28 years so scared of her that I still shut down when I'm in the same room.  I'm not a quiet woman,  I'm bold and outspoken.   I don't need therapy (at least I don't think I do...).   I have an amazing mom and step-dad who are great examples of loving parents.  Just please be aware of your actions.

Nineoceans

No you don't have a relationship with your BD because he chose to marry someone cruel and unloving towards his children.

Please don't give him a pass and put this all on your SM. He was your parent and he was responsible for at least 50 of your rearing.

I'm sorry for what you went through but check out the previous threads. This is a dad issue not a SM issue.

Kaeldrasmommy

Nineoceans:

No you don't have a relationship with your BD because he chose to marry someone cruel and unloving towards his children. Please don't give him a pass and put this all on your SM. He was your parent and he was responsible for at least 50 of your rearing. I'm sorry for what you went through but check out the previous threads. This is a dad issue not a SM issue.

This. And I'm sorry, I'm sure you're trying to make a good point here, but this is mostly a group of SM's who try like you would not believe to manage a very hard and thankless job and life. Most of us could use a little encouragement, not another reminder of the 'evil stepmother' stereotype.

ZeeSunflowery1

In response to the person telling me it's a BD issue:  I do agree.  I KNOW that's the case... It's sometimes easier to place the blame on her because the knowledge of BD allowing that behavior is really difficult to deal with.  So, I do apologize if it seemed like I was putting all SM in the same boat.

"SM's who try like you would not believe to manage a very hard and thankless job and life. "

It is a hard and thankless job, where you often put your family and their needs before your own.   It seems, from many of the posts that I've read, that this group is an amazing group of SM's who do everything they can to make their step-kids welcome in their blended family.  It's really comforting to see that my situation is the exception rather than the rule.

 Now for the encouagement:

Don't give up!! It gets better and can be so rewarding. My mom (SM to my SB and SS) has really good relationships with her SC. It wasn't easy by any means, but she was consistent and loving and (somehow) figured out how to have a good co-parenting relationship with the ExW.   

I have an unimaginably good relationship with my Step-siblings because my mom (and SD) did what they had to do to make it work.

 Keep up the good work.   

 

blush64

Nineoceans:

No you don't have a relationship with your BD because he chose to marry someone cruel and unloving towards his children. Please don't give him a pass and put this all on your SM. He was your parent and he was responsible for at least 50 of your rearing. I'm sorry for what you went through but check out the previous threads. This is a dad issue not a SM issue.

I wouldn't give such a cruel woman a pass either. Her father is to blame for the lack of relationship with his daughter but the step-mother is not blameless. It certainly is a step-mother issue if the SM is cruel and abusive.