A little lost...*Rainbow/PAL mentioned*

johnnys june

1st - I feel like all I ever do these days is apologize for not "being around."  I was so active on this board (and the others) before having DD (rainbow baby).  I am sorry that I am not around as often.  I think of you ladies often and try to lurk when I can.  And to those who are "new faces", I am so very sorry you have to be here.  This is a safe haven, though.  These women are kindred spirits.

2nd - I feel so lost.  I don't know where to turn.  I'm not even sure if this is the best place to post.  Should this be in PAL? or here?  Either way, this is the only place I know that "understands" my loss.  Mommyhood is wonderful -- but also very stressful.  I love my daughter with every fiber in my being...but I feel as though I've hit a brick wall.  I'm exhausted.  I've just returned to work and I have no clue how I am going to juggle work, motherhood, and being a wife and be at my best 100% for all three.  I feel like a failure.  My house is a mess.  Nothing is ever done on time.  Today, I feel frumpy and fat and just gross.  I'm easily frustrated and stressing over everything.  I hate it.  I hate myself for feeling this way.  And to top it off...I don't know the last time I visited Logan's grave.  I think it was one day in the pouring rain and I could only stay 30 seconds because I was getting soaked and Emma was in the car.  I have no clue what his grave looks like or if his toys and things are still there.  Logan's 2nd birthday is coming up in October.  I barely have time to think about it or dedicate any time to him at all.  This breaks my heart.  I had visions of the kind of mother I would be -- to my heavenly and earthly children -- and I just don't feel I measure up.  I feel like I'm letting DH, Logan, and Emma down.  I feel a breakdown coming on.  I've been so caught up in the business of having a newborn/infant that I haven't had time to process my emotions.  Now I can't stop them.  I'm afraid the flood gates will be opened and I won't be able to stop them. 

I'm not sure there's even a point to this post.  I just don't know how to feel, what to feel, when to feel it.  I haven't felt this way in so long...and it scares me.

 I just want to be a good wife and mother....Right now, I feel like that's impossible, like I will never measure up.

Thanks for listening.

jbranden12

I hope some of the moms who know what it's like to have a newborn at home will chime in, because I believe that, like baby loss, it's not something you can understand until you experience it.

But I do want to offer you BIG HUGS. We are not always able to meet up to the grand visions we have, but when that happens, you have to give yourself a break! In these circumstances, your actions or lack thereof do not mean you love your children any less. If you don't visit Logan's grave, you don't love him any less. If you don't do a huge celebration for his 2nd birthday, you don't love him any less. If you are tired and exhausted, you don't love Emma any less. If you don't clean the house, your husband will not love you any less. We know this. Deep down you know this.

My heart goes out to you and I truly hope you (and me when time comes) can let go of the *shoulds* and do what you can do TODAY, whatever that is.

dandywarhol

{{hugs}} You're always welcome here and there is no need to apologize for not being around. Real life happens and none of us are going to like you any less for not posting on TB. 

Be gentle with yourself. Having a newborn is stressful and learning how to juggle it all is a challenge. You don't have to be 100% at all three.  Life is about balancing and sometimes you need to make adjustments to your life, your goals, and your visions. You don't need to measure up to anyone. You are uniquely you and that's ok. 

From my armchair psychiatrist position it sounds like you are struggling with feeling in control of your life. From experience I know that the lack of control can cause a lot of anxiety. Combine your experience and expectations for being a good mommy to Logan along with the emotions of mothering a newborn and it is no wonder that you're feeling overwhelmed. It is ok to process the emotions. It is ok to open the flood gates, they will close eventually. It is ok to feel whenever and however you need.  Logan knows you love him no matter how frequently you visit his grave. If you need to leave Emma with your husband for a little while so you can go visit Logan's grave it is ok. 

{{hugs}}  

Petunia844

jbranden12:

If you don't visit Logan's grave, you don't love him any less. If you don't do a huge celebration for his 2nd birthday, you don't love him any less. If you are tired and exhausted, you don't love Emma any less. If you don't clean the house, your husband will not love you any less. We know this. Deep down you know this.

I think she said this perfectly.  While I know I don't understand where you are yet, I do know you are an amazing mother, to both of your children and a very loving wife.  You can see your love in every blog post you write and you are doing an amazing job.  Grief is a roller coaster, and even though it may seem like you should be off the ride this far down the road... I don't think we ever get off.  We just get surprised when it sneaks up on us again unexpectedly.  I think we'll always face hurtles that other moms won't ever understand and they will come as a surprise.  Just like we need to be when we are in the very depths of grief, you need to be gentle with yourself.  You are doing the very best you can, and you are doing so well.  Big huge hugs mama, you're in a tough spot right now, but it will pass.

cmenasco

I am only 2 months from our loss and still trying to figure my emotions out from that, but I also have a 20 month old son and I can tell you that when he was 2 months old I had a LOT of the same feelings.  Life with an infant is crazy!  You are doing awesome!!!  It is hard to be 100% responsible for a new baby, yourself and a house!  My DH was help, but not much to be honest, especially if you are breastfeeding!  It does get easier, they get older and more interactive, and hopefully you get more sleep!  The house is not going anywhere, things will get clean....just might not be today, or even tomorrow.  

I think one of the best things I did for myself at that stage is I joined a Bunco group with some of my best friends.  Once a month we got 3 hrs of "free" time with just the girls to talk, laugh, and tell stories.  Get out and do something for you!!!  It really helps! 

karebear57

(((Hugs))) I am so sorry for how your feeling. It's overwhelming in the beginning. When I had the boys I went through this sucky period for a while with each of them. My house too was messy and I felt like I was neglecting the boys and dh ,and I wasn't taking care of myself either. What I've come to realize after I had Bri was one person cannot do EVERYTHING 100%. What I wish I would have (and still should do)now is tell my dh how I'm feeling and ask for his help too. Have you told your dh how you've been feeling? This time will pass. Soon. And I wouldn't worry about you neglecting your kids, I don't think you are. You seem to me like a wonderful mommy!

Also we understand that you've got so much going on right now, we are here for you whenever you need us. It doesn't matter how long you've been away, we never forget one another.

Auki13

Sweetie, everything you are saying is perfectly normal and you are going to be ok.  When I had my first child I went through awful PP depression and was not able to enjoy my baby's first few months of life.  I have been on medication for depression since high school and for some reason it didn't occur to me that I needed some intervention.  With my second and my loss I also suffered PP on different levels, but knew where to turn and was able to "help" myself sooner.  This time I have no idea how I will be after, but I have a feeling I will be have new emotions to deal with (this being my rainbow).  I don't know if you need medical help, but please don't feel like you are a failure if you do go to someone.  PP depression is temporary and some medication may help.  
That being said, maybe you just need to vent and talk to someone about how you are feeling (hopefully this post in itself helps you out) and realize that this is a difficult time in your life and it will slowly get easier to juggle all the aspects of yourself.  Remember that it's ok to have a messy house and to put some things on hold for a while.  Your body is adjusting and healing, you are learning how to manage with a new baby, you are going back to work, and you have tons on your plate.  Nobody is going to judge you for not being 100% in every area of your life. And your precious baby girl will not remember a thing about this part of her life.  As long as she is fed, cleaned, and loved for she will be fine and will love you with all her heart.  It's ok if you need to let her cry for a few minutes while you collect yourself in another room (she won't remember it). It's ok if she is wearing an outfit with stains on it, or something that doesn't match.  It's ok if you are late for a feeding or she gets a rash.  You will still be the best mommy in her world and she will love you because you are you.  
Sorry this is getting long, but I hope some of it helps.  Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk. :-) 

pottermommy

Rainbow baby heavy****

 

First off, don't feel guilty for not being around as much.  I try to  get over to TB but fail miserably....Alot...And I feel bad commenting on new members posts b/c of the siggy and all..

Just now I have been trying to type a response to you for 23 minutes b/c Gabriel is climbing my leg and then biting my toe with his one sharp little tooth....

Second don't beat yourself up about parenting...Newborns are HARD.  You just went from wanting nothing more than a baby, dreaming up every amazing thing that was going to happen and now that baby is here and they do NOT cooperate with the Kodak moments like they are supposed to. 

They are little strangers that think that you shouldn't get any time to yourself and they don't care if you are grieving today or that you haven't been to their brother/sister's grave..that is hard to wrap your head around.  The imaginary baby you longed for is very different from the little girl that you have.  They all are. 

Your husband will be fine, for the first year of life you are no longer a wife you are a mommy and you can add the wife roll back in later, you aren't born knowing how to be a parent, you become one, let yourself learn to parent a rainbow baby, as of before you were a mommy but an angel baby is very different from a rainbow baby, about as different as a baby that isn't a rainbow....

I would imagine that it is alot easier to parent when your life isn't already filled with sorrow, and regret, and guilt, and everything else that is involved in being an angel mama.  It isn't easy.  Not at all.   Don't let yourself think that it is, we all handle things in our own stride.  If you need help, ASK FOR IT!!!!!

Now, working and being a mama....OMG  that is some hard stuff.  I had to quit, I couldn't reconsile my feelings with leaving Gabe after I left Kam and she died...It was too hard, I failed at being a Working mom. 

All that in short...Your baby is fed and warm and clean and fine.  You are a good mommy and you have given your DH the most amazing gift you could, a baby so you are a good wife.  The house will get cleaned later...I promise that baby won't remember the clothes that are sitting unfolded on the couch, or the fact that the onzie was wrinkled yesterday. 

Get some rest and relax, you are doing a great job.

weddedwife

I'm a STM (TTM?) so I can tell you about motherhood. It's a process, like any other. You develop skills along the way. You are new at it, so it's going to take a while to be "at your best". And newborns are SO needy. Returning to work is incredibly hard too. For me, it never got any easier. Sure, I got used to it. But I never felt good about it and I always felt guilty.

You are only one person and that is all you have to give. And when you are dividing that between a baby, work, a husband and home life something has got to give a little bit. No one envisions the stress factory that is being a working mom. As you go along, you will develop a schedule, ways to make your life easier during the week, tricks for cutting what corners can be cut and getting done what needs to be done.

 Try not to stress over all of these things at once- it's just too much. For now, focus on being the best mom you can. Trust me, the other stuff can wait. She will only be tiny for a short period of time. When she grows she won't be as demanding of your time and you will find your niche. And if you don't- well, that's okay too. That's when you decide if/when something in your life needs to change.

But please be gentle on yourself and give it some time! Big hugs.

johnnys june

Thank you so much, ladies.  You all said exactly what I need to hear.  I know you are right.  After "venting" here (and after a short nap with Em right after work), I felt much better.  I know exhaustion only intensifies it all.  I still have those thoughts but they're less overwhelming for the moment.  Alot of it does have to do with a lack of control.  I'm not a control freak, but after experiencing the most devestating event in my entire life, the only way I could manage my anxiety was by cleaning my house or exercising....both things I am unable to do now.  After snuggling Emma for a bit I found a little perspective.  I expressed my feelings briefly to DH.  He did the dishes.  I vaccumed and steam mopped with one hand, Emma in the other.  I was ok with that.  Atleast 2 things got done.  It's a step in the right direction.

For now, I'll take it one day at a time.  Thank you so much for listening, and responding.  I have no IRL friends who understand the complexity of my current situation.  *hugs* to you all.