Did you have this nagging sense of sadness?

Bluebird2318

Long story short, I've been feeling more and more "sad" (not depressed, it's not that severe) about the fact that I delivered so early, especially as my due date gets closer and closer. I loved being pregnant, and it kind of hurts to think about the experiences I lost... 11 more weeks of feeling her kick, of seeing my belly get bigger, and then the excitement of going into labor, the experience of delivery... I feel somewhat jealous of friends who are still pregnant, or those who have newly announced. I am sincerely happy and excited for them, but I do also end up feeling sorry for myself. And then I feel guilty, like I'm being a bad friend, or a bad mom for not just being 100% satisfied with the fact that I have a healthy daughter at home.

I think it's made a little bit worse by the fact that I never thought I'd get to have children in the first place. (Without going into detail, DH had not wanted children and I accepted that because children were only a preference at that point, not necessarily something I needed, though that changed when I got a BFP). I conceived while using the birth control patch (yes, actually using it--I'm not one of "those" women, lol!), and during a time where my DH (though not my DH at the time) lived 8 hours away from me and I only got to see him maybe one week out of every month, if even that, so we consider it "meant to be" that we have her now. After having DD, DH has had a change of heart about children and, although he leans toward "no," he has mentioned (without any prompting from me, mind you) the possibility of wanting a planned pregnancy in a year or two. That makes it even harder for me, because I would love a second, and the fact that it's in limbo is the worst! (I think even a definite "no" would be mentally easier to handle.)

I know that with regard to the second half of my post my situation may be different from you ladies, but did any of you experience this? If so, did it go away? Did passing your due date help? etc... I love, love, love being a mama absolutely, but every now and then I do feel like I'm perhaps missing out on a sense of "wholeness" and closure because I only carried to 29 weeks.

kelkel09

I definitely understand how you feel regarding the sadness of missing out on experiences. Unfortunately, my 27 weeker twins just turned 1 year and I still feel this way often. My DD was in the NICU 70 days, but DS was there 250 so it was 8 mths before he came home and I finally had my twins together. I had a really hard time as their first birthday was coming up because I feel like I missed out on so much of a "normal" experience having your first children. My pregnancy was cut short and just like you I feel sad that I didn't get to carry them longer. I feel jealous seeing other women who go to full term. I also feel like we missed out on so many of the normal first year experiences because all of our time was spent back and forth to the hospital.

 Feeling like this doesn't make you a bad mom. Trust me, despite all of these feelings I am still so completely in love with my babies and so thankful that they are here and making so much progress after everything we have been through. I think it's normal to feel a sense of loss for what we missed out on. xoxo

CTbride79

I know exactly, and I mean exactly, how you feel!  I could have written this post 5 or 6 months ago.  I felt a lot of jealousy towards my friends who were still pregnant after I had DS, and even more jealousy watching them go full term.  And being the only preemie mom in your group of friends is not easy...because they just don't know what it's like, having been a NICU mom, and you can't relate to the experience of being 9 months pregnant and holding your 7 or 8 lb. bundle of joy right away, and taking him home a few days later.   

Just like you, this was my first pregnancy and I felt 'cheated' out of most of my 3rd trimester (8 weeks worth).  I was not ready to give him up to the world, if you will, when he was born...he was still my little baby I was supposed to be growing for 2 more months, and I felt like I failed him. 

It DID get easier for me once his EDD passed...it was like, ok, he is supposed to be here now, regardless of whether he was born early or not.  I am absolutely thrilled he is healthy and thriving, but I must admit I think I will always have a tiny sense of loss about this pregnancy, which has nothing to do with DS, but the experience itself.  DH and I want to have at least one more, so I am hoping for better next time, but am prepared for the fact that another preemie is possible, which, at least we will not be blindsided like we were this time around, and it will hopefully be easier to handle. 

I hope things get easier for you and you are able to let go of some of your sadness with more time! 

prepster7

I can completely relate. DS is almost a year old and I still feel sadness over the ordeal surrounding his premature birth, NICU, and now EI services. I think it will forever be something that brings tears to my eye, but hopefully the pain will lessen with time. This first birthday is such a celebratory one but in the weeks leading up to it, it's also bringing back some anxiety, stress, and sadness.

MoFree

In a word, absolutely.  I feel like I missed out on so much.  I went through IVF to have my baby, as many other ladies on here did, and I thought that once I conceived and got through the first trimester everything would be fine. I am still struggling with feelings of being inadequate, of not keeping my child safe and not really enjoying parenting so far.  

MeatballEsq

I can totally relate.  DH never really wanted to have children either. Then he came around to the idea of having one. I'm an only child, so I always wanted to have at least two children, but I came around to the idea of just having one. I had a m/c before getting PG with Connor and I feel like the m/c really took away a lot of the joy and excitement of being PG. DH was worried the entire time I was PG. Then when Connor came early, I feel like that really took away the whole birth experience and validated DH's worries. Because of those two things, I am 100% sure DH will never want to have another child. He already thought PG was too stressful before my water broke early.

So I don't have any advice, I just wanted to let you know I can empathize.

PhillyGal34

I too wrote a similar post only a few weeks ago. Only difference for us is that kids were always a need and desire and now dh says he doesnt want any more because of what happened. I felt robbed and jealous and sad and everything you felt.  I also felt guilt, like I wasn't appreciating DS enough. I have to say that as time passes these feelings are weaker. I still feel jealous when I see really pregnant women but not as bad.

 

 I hope that you feel better over time. It is ok and normal to feel all you are feeling and this board is a great place to come.

 

Hugs.  

Bluebird2318

Thank you so much for all the insightful responses, ladies! It makes me feel a little better just knowing I'm not alone in the way I feel about this whole mess. As PP said, I was also one of those that thought once I was past first tri everything would be fine. It's somewhat scary to think that if I were to get pregnant again, I would not be able to feel that blissfully naive. But I sure know that I would treasure every single day that I made it past 29 weeks. I suppose that might be the bright side. Some day I might be 38 weeks hugely pregnant and uncomfortable...and loving every minute of it! Thanks again ladies for helping to lift my spirits some.

lwmooney87

runningmommy519:

 It took everything in me not to comment, "Be grateful. Some women deliver three months early" 

 You're much better than I am because I would have (and have) commented on people's posts that complain about being pregnant. They get slightly defensive and what-not but they need to know that's not acceptable. They don't know how lucky they are to still be pregnant.

OP, I definitely know how you feel. I had severe PTSD after DD was born (and still do some-what). I mourned the pregnancy that I didn't get to experience to the end. I mourn the fact that I can never have a vaginal delivery at 40 weeks (due to classical c-section). Most of all, I mourn the naive feeling of being pregnant and thinking that I will deliver a healthy, full term baby vaginally in 8 months from a BFP. It isn't fair and I still have feelings of sadness and even anger that I missed out on that. I have several pregnant friends right now and as happy as I am for them, I feel like I've kept myself at a distance because it hurts to see them have something that I couldn't have (a healthy pregnancy). I hope someday I can experience a pre-e free pregnancy and make it to 37 weeks but it's hard feeling like it's such a gamble. You're not alone. And it will get better over time.