Tell me to give DH a break — The Bump
March 2012 Moms

Tell me to give DH a break

I have been bickering with DH so much lately. I'm just so stressed out and taking it out on him. DS is a terrible sleeper and I have been sleep deprived for months. Lately DH can't even soothe him back to sleep much of the time so all the night wakings pretty much fall on me. I spend the majority of the night in the nursery recliner instead of my bed. I miss my bed and resent DH for getting to spend so many more hours in it than me. And yet he's still cranky!
DS has been clingy with me during the day too. And DH gets frustrated so quickly, I feel like I can't leave DS with him for any length of time. He doesn't read his sleepy cues well and keeps him up too long. Then I have to deal with an overtired baby.
I could go on and on but this is already long. I just feel like I can't count on DH for help, but also like maybe I'm not giving him much of a chance. I guess this was mostly a vent, but if you have any advice I'd love to hear it.

Re: Tell me to give DH a break

  • Could it be that your LO is clingy and more dependent on you in general because he gets more interaction with you and less with dad?

    My DH is the father of three boys (the youngest being our DS). However, you wouldn't have been able to tell it by how nervous and easily frustrated he was while dealing with Liam the first few months. He didn't read cues and was incredibly nervous (and sometimes plain dense) when it came to caring for him.

    I stayed home the first few months and eased him into interacting with Liam during his "nervous" phase. Nowadays I teach him about the little things that he just never picked up on (DH was the youngest in his family). He flat out admits he didn't know babies had cues and that he just "wings it" alot of the time. I point these cues out too DH all the time and he is beginning to pick up on them on his own now. He also has come to understand that when he gets frustrated that the baby picks up on it and that makes it more difficult.

    It's a learning process for him, but it helps that he is open to learning.

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • It's hard and I know exactly how it feels.  It's hard not to be snappy!  DD was up from 4:30am on the other day.  After about an hour of her cackling (which is hysterical during daylight hours!) he says "Man she's really loud this morning!"  My response was a very sarcastic "Oh, I figured you didn't hear her and that's why you were just laying there."  Not the most productive response, but it's very frustrating watching him sleep (or pretend to) while I'm dealing with Kelsey.  I'm the only on that can nurse her, but she doesn't eat that often.  I shouldn't have to ask him to help with her, especially since I'm back at work now.  

    I'm not one to give advice, but I try to remember that being snappy doesn't make him want to help any more.  I'm not great at remembering, but I try! 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Yes DS is home with me 2 days a week, and EBF so with me a lot even when DH is home too. I've tried pointing out to DH what his sleepy cues are and that he's usually tired after a couple hours of being up, but it's like he doesn't believe me or just doesn't listen or pay attention. He's a good dad and loves DS but when it comes to his sleeping and eating schedule we just clash. It's like I'm obsessed with it and DH doesn't care. I'm trying really hard to get him to nap well so maybe he'll sleep better at night. DH claims he's trying to help with the sleeping too but we are just not communicating well about it.
  • image kmhunt11:
    It's hard and I know exactly how it feels. nbsp;It's hard not to be snappy! nbsp;DD was up from 4:30am on the other day. nbsp;After about an hour of her cackling which is hysterical during daylight hours! he says "Man she's really loud this morning!" nbsp;My response was a very sarcastic "Oh, I figured you didn't hear her and that's why you were just laying there." nbsp;Not the most productive response, but it's very frustrating watching him sleep or pretend to while I'm dealing with Kelsey. nbsp;I'm the only on that can nurse her, but she doesn't eat that often. nbsp;I shouldn't have to ask him to help with her, especially since I'm back at work now. nbsp;I'm not one to give advice, but I try to remember that being snappy doesn't make him want to help any more. nbsp;I'm not great at remembering, but I try!nbsp;

    Ha, I would've probably given him the same response!
    DH just reminded me himself that it pays to be nice. He made me lunch without me asking and he put a lot of effort into it. Hard to feel annoyed after that. :]
  • I know its hard but sometimes the only way to get Past something like this is trial and error. Give DH more time with him, it may take while but it should improve. I know when I was home with DS I knew how he liked everything and DH didn't because he was at work all day. I would tell him what I did that worked and then he would go from there.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image bingham101:
    I know its hard but sometimes the only way to get Past something like this is trial and error. Give DH more time with him, it may take while but it should improve. I know when I was home with DS I knew how he liked everything and DH didn't because he was at work all day. I would tell him what I did that worked and then he would go from there.

    I try to let DH take him but usually end up swooping on to "save" him when he gets fussy. It was much better when he stayed home with him one day a week, but he had to go back full time about a month ago. Maybe I should designate a block of time on the weekends of just daddy time.
  • I BF our baby so I'm up with her most nights (unless I'm really struggling and wake my husband up) so I feel your pain. Its hard not to be resentful when your spouse is lying there peacefully and you are dead tired but know that you'll be getting up more in the night. My advice? Try to talk those feelings out. I've found that when I voice my frustration to my husband I feel a lot better. And, in his defense, he always tells me that whenever I need something I just need to wake him up. And he's always gotten up when I asked him too. As far as the baby being fussy with your husband ... I agree with the previous poster who said that your husband needs more time with him. And if that means you leave the house so that you don't 'swoop' in then thats what you need to do. My mom really really really pushed this subject on me but it really ended up helping us in the end. My husband can take the baby anytime and knows how to deal with her. On top of it he also knows how hard it can be sometimes and that empathy goes a long way I think.
    image
  • I am like a totally different person when I haven't had enough sleep, so I totally get what you are saying.

    Sometimes I think it is just easier for me to take care of DD because I am with her all the time, know her routine, cues, etc.  It frustrates me when DH comes in when DD is just about to fall asleep and starts playing with her, talking to her.  I feel like snapping at him (and sometimes I do), but most of the time I realize that he is just loving her and he doesn't get to see her as much as I do.  He also has no clue about her cues, but I try to stay patient with him so he can learn them. 

    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • Thanks everyone. We are starting to talk about it more, and trying to come up with a plan to get this boy to sleep better. I'm trying to communicate effectively and give DH a little more credit. Thanks for your sympathy and advice!
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards