I totally flipped out today

BigIsland07

I feel horrible. DH has been out of town for the past 7 days (gets back Monday night!) and DS has really been acting up. I think he just misses dad. Anywho...we were headed to a friend's for a playdate and I asked DS to please try and go to the bathroom before left since we'd be in the car for 40 minutes and it had been awhile. He flipped out, whining and resisting. I asked him, calmly, to please try and explained that we need to try and go before we head out. He walked over and hit me. Hard. In our house, that's a major no-no, so we went straight to time out.

Five tries later (he kept getting up and running), he finally sat. But then started kicking the wall. After not listening to my repeated requests to stop, I just flipped. I picked him up to move him away from the wall and screamed in a deep voice, "I said: Do Not Kick the Wall!!" He stopped and sat.

The situation was just one where everything was happening at once -- DS was being a poo, DD was SCREAMING at the top of her lungs because she was starving, the dog was whining because she had to go out, I was trying to put my make up on and pack a bag, and my phone was ringing.

Horrible mama moment. How do you handle? Do you apologize to LO?

Bateaulover

I wouldn't apologize. He should apologize to YOU for hitting you. and for kicking the wall. I would have nixed the play date after he hit me. I know you wanted to get out of the house, but actions need to have consequences.

Look, I know as moms we shouldn't yell...but desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm sure you don't yell at him every day. Don't sweat it.

 

zoe_cat

Don't beat yourself up about it.  I think most of us have had a moment when we lost our cool.  I have apologized to my LO in the past, and explained why I felt so frustrated and how we can avoid situations like that from happening again.

Leila'sMommy

Explain to me what you did wrong in this situation? That's called parenting. Good for you for standing your ground. No apology necessary. He wasn't listening. End of story.

lauren&matt

Bateaulover:

I wouldn't apologize. He should apologize to YOU for hitting you. and for kicking the wall. I would have nixed the play date after he hit me. I know you wanted to get out of the house, but actions need to have consequences.

Look, I know as moms we shouldn't yell...but desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm sure you don't yell at him every day. Don't sweat it.

ditto this!!!!! Do not feel bad. I honestly think it's good for them to know that we ALL have our limits.

Hugs to you!!! It can be so hard doing this alone. (my husband travels a ton, I I understand!!) 

sunnyday016

I would apologize & feel bad for yelling (I have SOOOO been there with this exact situation though, minus the dog) but HE is the one that really needs to apologize too. He was the one who disobeyed when you asked him to go potty, hit you, and kicked the wall. All unacceptable behaviors. The bad behavior is on him in this situation, not on you. 

I also agree with the pp about showing LOs that we have our limits. DD knows when she's pushing my buttons and when she pushes to far I do yell sometimes. We all have our breaking points. 

jlw2505

It happens to all of us - our kids know how to push our buttons.  When I yell like that, I will (once everyone has calmed down and taken our time outs) say to my DD that I am sorry that I yelled but that I was frustrated that she wasn't listening to me and then we talk through the situation.  DD has to say sorry and tell me why she is sorry - we talk though it so I make sure she understands what happened and what we both did wrong.  I try very hard not to yell but honestly, I am a yeller but am getting better at taking deep breathes and putting myself in time out (even if it means letting my kid cry for a min in the other room when at home) so I can calmly deal with the situation or I will just stand where we are and count to 10 and take deep breaths.  Often when I do this, my kids notice and also calm down.  My 4 1/2 year old hates being told when to go potty so I have been in your shoes a trillion times.  My 6 year old pees as often as me so will always try when I ask her.  Younger DD has a bladder I would kill for.  I ask, if she refuses then we just move on with a reminder from me that we are going to be in the car for x amount of time and that we might not be able to stop if she has to go (or be able to stop right away).  I do have a travel potty that I keep in the car for emergencies.

Jen748

fredalina:

I guess I'm once again the minority here. Yes, he behaved badly and he needs to apologize and have it explained to him why his behavior was not acceptable. But hers wasn't either. Sometimes kids misbehave, or act in undesirable ways, and sometimes parents do. I'm of the belief that when an adult acts badly, they should apologize sincerely, and in so doing it also models the good behavior of recognizing when you misbehave and making amends for that behavior.

I do agree that it's not the end of the world to show kids that adults have limits too. They also learn that they aren't bad people because they see that sometimes adults make mistakes too.

This. I've totally lost my cool with DD before. Each time I always apologize to her. Before she can get out of time out she has to apologize for what she did that wasn't acceptable and give a hug. At that time, I apologize to her as well. I usually tell her I shouldn't have yelled at her and why I might have been more easy to anger today (don't feel well, tired, etc)

I think she deserves a response from me losing my cool just as I deserve a response from her for the same.

KathrynMD

I apologize when I yell at DD.  I don't think it makes me look weak or anything - it makes me look human.  Human beings get frustrated/angry and yell sometimes - but that's not our best trait either - even w/ our own kids.  I want DD to know its normal to get angry sometimes, but I still shouldn't yell.  I was always scared to death when my parents yelled and see it scares DD too.  I don't want to use scaring her as parenting tactic, even though sometimes out of frustration that's what happens.  I acknowledge that I was angry/frustrated and yelled and shouldn't have, but I also remind her about what she did that was frustrating. 

I say this as someone who was raised in a very yelling/angry house, but where nobody ever apologized or acknowledged how upsetting all the yelling was.

Sawyerplus1

BigIsland07:

I feel horrible. DH has been out of town for the past 7 days (gets back Monday night!) and DS has really been acting up. I think he just misses dad. Anywho...we were headed to a friend's for a playdate and I asked DS to please try and go to the bathroom before left since we'd be in the car for 40 minutes and it had been awhile. He flipped out, whining and resisting. I asked him, calmly, to please try and explained that we need to try and go before we head out. He walked over and hit me. Hard. In our house, that's a major no-no, so we went straight to time out.

Five tries later (he kept getting up and running), he finally sat. But then started kicking the wall. After not listening to my repeated requests to stop, I just flipped. I picked him up to move him away from the wall and screamed in a deep voice, "I said: Do Not Kick the Wall!!" He stopped and sat.

The situation was just one where everything was happening at once -- DS was being a poo, DD was SCREAMING at the top of her lungs because she was starving, the dog was whining because she had to go out, I was trying to put my make up on and pack a bag, and my phone was ringing.

Horrible mama moment. How do you handle? Do you apologize to LO?

Wait, is this the first and only time you've raised your voice in 7 days of being a single parent to 2 LOs?  Gosh that doesn't seem so bad to me

I agree with above posters. We all have our limits and he shouldn't have hit you or kicked the wall. While I don't think YOU did anything wrong, I think you could apologize if you wanted to. It's certainly not wrong to apologize if you feel bad about a reaction. Otherwise, just move on. Don't be too hard on yourself!  

Echowysp

I won't even say how often this happens in my house. 

I do apologize to him after the moment is over.  It's not how I want to parent, so I let him know that mommy lost her temper and I should've talked to him instead of yell.  But I do let him know that him not listening gets me upset and that it shouldn't take yelling to get him to pay attention.

outnumbered

fredalina:

I guess I'm once again the minority here. Yes, he behaved badly and he needs to apologize and have it explained to him why his behavior was not acceptable. But hers wasn't either. Sometimes kids misbehave, or act in undesirable ways, and sometimes parents do. I'm of the belief that when an adult acts badly, they should apologize sincerely, and in so doing it also models the good behavior of recognizing when you misbehave and making amends for that behavior.

I do agree that it's not the end of the world to show kids that adults have limits too. They also learn that they aren't bad people because they see that sometimes adults make mistakes too.

I would apologize too.  If my child yelled at me they would have to sorry.  I need to hold myself to that standard.  I find that when I apologize to my older kids it leads to a great conversation about feelings, inappropriate behavior, making better  choices etc.   

aglenn

I'm in the apologize camp, not because I don't think my kids need discipline, but because that's not acceptable behavior from me and I genuinely do feel bad about it.  My DH travels for weeks at a time very often (has been gone about 1/3 of DS's life, but that is another post) and I have totally been there.  I know exactly how you feel and do lose my cool more often than I would like.  When things calm down I will talk to DD and tell her I am sorry and shouldn't have done that, just like I would apologize for any other unintentional hurt.  If I stepped on her toe I would apologize, for instance, and I think of this in the same way. 

We are all imperfect, we all make mistakes, and all we can do is make our amends and move on.