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Late Term and Child Loss
Intro
Hi everyone. I'm new here and like everyone else, wish I didn't have to be here. I used to be somewhat active on the IF boards, as we struggled for 3 years to get pregnant and all of my boys were born thanks to IVF.
I gave birth to fraternal twin boys this past December and tragically, we lost one of them to SIDS/accidental suffocation in May when he was 5 months old. I mention both possibilities because at this point, we don't have an answer as to what took our precious Eli. My husband and family are convinced it's SIDS, but I have so much guilt that I've convinced myself it's because of accidental suffocation. And that it's all my fault.
They did perform an autopsy, which is standard when an infant dies, but we were told it could take up to 6 months to get the results back. So we do not have any final results yet.
I wasn't sure if I would ever post here, but I've decided I find it comforting to hear from other women who know the pain I'm going through. I'm seeing a therapist but a part of me wishes I could find one that actually knows what I'm going through. I feel like she can't relate to me at all. At least here, there are others that can.
Our surviving twin, Jake, has been my saving grace. But there are still so many days where I'm sad. For me. For him. For his big brother (who's 2.5). They will never know him like I did, even if it was only for 5 months. I feel like I failed them all. As a mother, you are supposed to protect your children and keep them alive, and I couldn't even do that.
I've also been struggling with the unexpected factor. I spent a large part of my pregnancy in a general fear and anxiety, as a multiple pregnancy is generally high risk. I didn't have any major complications though, and the boys thrived. They were both born healthy, at 37 weeks, and weighed over 7 lbs each. They were the largest twins my OB had ever delivered. I felt like the worst fear was behind me. And to have one suddenly taken from me, at 5 months old, was just unimaginable. I feel like that fear is back now, only it's real and not speculative. Who is next? Who will be taken from me next? Is that normal? I suppose I should ask my therapist about that.
Anyways, I just wanted to post and introduce myself. Thanks for listening.
IVF #1 = BFP on 5/2009
FET #1 = BFP on 5/2011
FET #1 = BFP on 5/2011
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Intro
I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. Everything you are feeling is totally normal. My son was born sleeping, so our situations are different, but I can totally relate to the "who's next?" fears. I start to panic when my husband is 10 minutes later coming home from work, or when somebody is late meeting me somewhere I cant help the fears that something to them on the way over. It's not an overwhelming anxiety, and it may have lessened slightly since we lost our son... but it's there.
I hope you find some support here, I'm so sorry again.
Married the love of my life 7/11/09 - Our first baby, Peyton Mark, was born sleeping 10/25/11 at 33 weeks - Our second baby, BFP 2/4/12, welcome to the world Raylan! Holy Moly, BPF 2/4/14, please be safe and sound little one!
My Blog
*ticker warning*
I am so sorry for the loss of your Eli. I understand what it is like to not have an answer, our autopsy revealed no cause. One of my the doctors referred to it as random in-utero SIDS, but I used to wonder if it was something I did, like I shouldn't have slept on my right side since she was on the right, I should have known something was wrong earlier, etc.
I'm glad you are seeing a therapist who hopefully will be able to help you through the feelings of guilt you are experiencing. However, we all understand the benefit of being a part of a community of women who understand, though we all wish one was not necessary. Again, I am so sorry to welcome you here and hope you can find some support.
I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet son Eli. The way you are feeling is totally normal.After my DD passed away I was afraid to lose anyone else I didn't want my DH or my other kids to ever be away from me. You are totally normal. We are all here for you!! Again I am so sorry!!
Heather
Big
Hugs.
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Eli. I'm so sad that you're joining us, but welcome. I hope you are able to find support on the board.
^This is exactly how I felt also. I tried therapy a few times, but I honestly feel that I got the most support from women who had actually been there. It's heartbreaking that we're here and we all have the loss of a child in common, but knowing there are people out there who understand because they've lived it helps. Big (((HUGS))).
BFP #2 - EDD 2/26/12 M/C 6/28/11 @ 5w2d
BFP #3 - EDD 4/7/12 M/C 8/2/11 @ 4w2d
Too beautiful for this earth
BFP #4 - EDD 12/09/12, Lucille arrived 11/26/12
I am so sorry for your loss! My little guy was born sleeping but I can relate to the feelings you are going through with who is next. I think it is very normal. My first DS is almost 2 and I think I was paranoid before our loss - and now I am ultra paranoid. My DH tells me to relax but I am finding it so hard. I hope that your therapist is able to help you work through this.
(((hugs)))
**Siggy Warning**
I am so sorry for your loss.
My little girl was 19 months when she died while I was at work. It will be 4 years on monday.
My rainbow baby is 7 months old and I worry everyday when will he be taken too. I wish there were magic words I could find to bring you comfort. There isn't. There is only understanding and love and compassion.
You have found a good group to come to, the ladies here are wonderful. I hope you find peace and solice with them. I felt the same about a therapist and have yet to see one, but this group helped me immensely.
Huge hugs and lots of love my dear.
FET #1 = BFP on 5/2011
I am so sorry for the loss of your dear son Eli. I also struggle with the who will be next question. If my husband is out too late walking the dog, a friend is running late and doesn't call for a dinner date, even if the dog is acting a little sick I get worried. I have not yet brought it up to my therapist and am thinking maybe I should. ~HUGS~
~Shawnna
2/21/11: IVF #1 Begins and results in TWINS!
11/4/11: The twins are born at 36w4d!
11/5/11: We said goodbye to our sweet baby girl as she was born with multiple complications and a severe heart defect, Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. It just breaks my heart that you are going through this. While my daughter died before she was born, I completely understand the sadness you are feeling and all the expectations you had for your son and your family, and the way your life was going to be, to have that taken away is horrible.
With such a tragic loss, it really can make you think anything can happen at anytime. It's terrifying to think someone can be here with us one minute and then gone then next. I am still trying to deal with these fears, now I have them less but it's still there sometimes.
I hope your therapist can help you work through your fears, and know that we are all here for you too.