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Adoption
greenteabee
member
Do PAPs have a 'right' to know why Emoms are considering adoption?
greenteabee
member
in Adoption
The mom I chose for my babies keeps pushing for me to tell them why I'm choosing adoption for my babies, and it's a really personal thing to me. Today she said she thinks since she's the PAP that she has a 'right' to know why I'm choosing adoption. That just doesn't sit right with me. Am I being irrational for not wanting to disclose why?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Do PAPs have a 'right' to know why Emoms are considering adoption?
Hmm, I think as a PAP, I'd be a little more delicate, but I did ask that question of every BP I spoke with. For me, I wanted to know because it helped me assess the risk involved. For example, one BM we spoke with was choosing adoption because she was broken up with the BF and angry. She was very young, but still, an answer like that told me that she was probably not real serious about adoption.
If a BM told me it was personal, I think I'd let it go though.
See, when the babies are old enough, and they want to know, I will tell them. I really don't think this would happen, but even if the APs closed the adoption, the agency we're using has information on birth parents that adoptees can get when they're 18, and if they had questions and asked them, I would definitely answer any they had!
I did give vague answers to her before like I think that adoption is best for them, but she's not satisfied with those.
Perhaps she is asking (and I hope she's not that blunt) to sense if there's concerns of you backing out. For example, an Emom that is placing solely because she can't afford the raise the child(ren), might have a rich aunt that steps up and is willing to pay for everything... and that would change the picture. Make sense?
IMO if you can offer the PAP mom a general sense of "why"... something like I am not ready to parent, I can't afford to parent, I want my child to be in a two parent home.... whatever the theme of your placement plan includes, this should be enough.
And if you aren't comfortable saying more, say so
It's okay to say .. "hey, I like you and I want you to parent my children but I am not comfortable getting into my personal life. I'll make sure you have good information about medical history and I can assure you of my drug and alcohol history but talking about my Ex and my parents (or whatever it is) is just not comfortable right how. Hope that okay?"
As someone who is hoping to adopt, I would like to know the reason, but I don't believe I have a right to know. Having that information might give me some reassurance that you are serious about the match and will definitely help me to better explain to the child why he/she was placed for adoption, but I really think the reasoning is yours to share if you want to.
On a separate, but related note, I think you have to go with your gut a bit. If you are uncomfortable sharing that information, and you are uncomfortable being pressed on it, then you need to say something. Silliestbunny gave a great example of how to say that without being too harsh. You need to be honest with your PAPs. If you don't want to share, then so be it. They need to understand that this is your personal story and that the information they and the kids do need will be made available and the information you don't want to share is yours to do with what you feel is best for you.
At least, that is my point of view. If you have a Social Worker, I would encourage you to discuss the situation and what to say to your PAPs in this case. Good luck!!!
Honestly, I can see her point. And not from a strictly "what do I tell them later" perspective. More from a "what if it's awful and I need to prepare myself and them" perspective.
Think about it this way. Let's say your kids were conceived from an abusive relationship (this is just an example, I have no idea and you don't need to tell me). She's probably thinking, "What if my kids want to know why their BM gave me away (which may be their thinking at some point)? How do I explain the situation to them? This woman right now is almost a stranger to me, and I'm not comfortable with just handing over my vulnerable child(ren) to answer such a big question. I want to know so I can think about (and maybe discuss with you) how to approach this sort of question if/when it comes up down the road."
And I kind of know how she feels. We have very little information on DD's BF, and her BM has been hesitant to talk about him. Especially when her mom is around. We don't know if it was just a relationship that went sour, or if there was something more serious. And DD's BM isn't the type to really talk about it. She did write DD a letter and sealed it in an envelope for her to read when she's old enough. At this point my POV is that DH and I are going to read it before we give it to her, so we can help her process anything. But for now it's a mystery, which sometimes bothers me.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell her that it's something very personal that you don't feel comfortable discussing right now. But addressing her concerns and reassuring her that it's not the worst case scenario might help with the conversation.
She has no "right" to know. I think a lot of the posters are letting their own feelings get in the way of what the issue is here - There are no "rights" to know anything. Yes, it would be nice for an PAP, but it isn't required or in stone or necessary if you aren't comfortable.
Not a single person said yes, PAPs have a right to know. They simply shared their perspectives on why the question might be asked.
No, she doesn't have a "right" to know. Perhaps it was an off day for her (I know when I'm PMSing, I have a right to ev-er-y-thing!). As a BM and an AM* I can say that both sides are in really vulnerable places. I'd suggest maybe that you don't know her very well right now, but that you'll make info available for LOs' benefit. I think even writing it down might be an easier way of expressing your reasons without it having to be like a face-to-face tell me your life story kind of deal.
And seriously, you have time. I don't know why she'd feel like she neeeeeeeds to know now. That's why I'd probably check in again with a "hey, I want for LOs to have access to their story, but we like just met. I'm just not that comfortable with you now; is there a reason you feel you deserve to know like 5 months before these babies are even due?"
*I should say that I'm adopting internationally, so I've already decided that we may never (and probably won't) know baby A's story before s/he comes to the baby's home. We could get lucky, but we most likely won't have much background information, and perhaps not any at all.
Application approved Dec '11
Mar '12: Homestudy interrupted by change in Uganda requirements - where do we go from here?
After searching and searching, back with Uganda but with our homestudy agency's program.
Homestudy complete July 19
USCIS I-600A submitted July 20. Biometrics appointments arrived Aug 17; fingerprinted Aug 21; 171H received Sept 25th. On the wait list Oct 1st: #18. By Jan 25th, we're #13!
Come home, baby A!
My thoughts are similar to many others.
She has no right. However, I would honstly guess she's trying to assess the risk of a failed placement as well. As an prospective birth parent, you are in a very vulnerable spot, but as a prospective adoptive parent, so is she.
I agree, that you are under no obligation to tell her, but if you are comfortable giving her a general idea as to why you are opting to place, I think that could be helpful.