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Pre-School and Daycare
mavs_girl07
member
~*~LoveEeyore~*~
mavs_girl07
member
Ok, so this perseveration thing I posted about a couple of weeks ago with my DD....yeah, totally not getting better. In fact it's getting worse and now occurs at least every other day, if not more. And it elevates into hysterical crying, getting angry (throwing things, hitting) and can last an hour. When it started out, it was her repeating "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I won't do it again, I didn't mean to" over and over. She still does that often, but now it's progressed to other things. The other night I let her know it was almost bathtime and we would have to wash her hair. So for the next 30 mins she proceeded to ask over and over "Will you wash it softly??" (She hates having her hair washed) I kept reassuring her I would do it softly, with warm water, etc but she just got more and more upset as if I wasn't even answering her question and eventually she melted down into a sobbing mess and just kept repeating the same thing. I'm feeling really lost and defeated because I've started to realize it's always related to me. It's always something I say or get onto her for that sets her off. She never does this to my husband, only me. I don't feel like I've ever been overly harsh or stern with her. Now I'm playing the blame game and trying to figure out what I could possibly be doing wrong to send her into a tailspin like this. And it really is a tailspin. It's like she can.not.for.the.life.of.her. stop repeating the same thing over and over.
Since realizing this, I've tried to spend more one-on-one time with her. DS is pretty clingy with me so I do spend a lot of time with him attached to me. But I've been making a big effort to play more and do more activities with her. A couple of times I've picked her up early from school, taken her out to lunch, to the park, etc. It hasn't helped, she still continues to do it. I told DH the other night, it's so weird because it's like an unexpected thunderstorm. It comes literally out of nowhere. She can be in the best mood, then all of a sudden it turns and it just gets worse and worse. You keep asking yourself "When is this going to end??" then 45m to an hour later, it ends just as quickly as it began. It really is the strangest thing.
Sorry if this is long and rambly...I'm just really upset that it continues to get worse, and it really sucks feeling like it's somehow related to me.
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Re: ~*~LoveEeyore~*~
Okay... my gut reaction is to say, this sounds like it is a phase. It started intermittently, is now exploding. It is you-centric- doesn't cross caregivers. I have a hunch that in a month or so it will be gone, maybe 2 or (gulp) 3. And in a year you will be wondering if your memory of it is correct- did that really happen??
My experience with my oldest was similar. My mild mannered, eager to please, shy, polite one developed a Hyde. Always with me, never at school, rarely with Dad. Hitting. Head spinning. Her perseverations were always thiings I couldn't even control- how things echoed in parking garages, for example...ugh. And then one day it just stopped. Didn't wane, just stopped. It may have been how I worked through it, but more than likely, she outgrew it.
Okay. So that is my gut feeling, and chin-up girl. I'm going to write another post on how I would proceed...
Ugh, thanks, I hope you're right. Tonight it happened again. We were playing and she started to get too rough and hit me fairly hard. I just told her "Ouch, don't get too rough, okay?" And then it started, "I'm sorry, I said I'm sorry, I won't do it again, I didn't mean to". It went on and on. I ended up removing myself from the situation. I snuck out of the room when she and DS weren't looking and locked myself in my bedroom, lol. After I left I could still hear her telling DH "I didn't mean to hit Mommy, I'm sorry I hit her" but she didn't get as worked up and upset, and she stopped after about 10mins of me being gone. When I came back in the room about 30mins later she was playing with DH and has been happy ever since. Maybe I'll try this again, but the only problem is leaving the room is just not always an option.
Okay. First I'll warn you- I'm a spaz and too wordy and hop all over the place. Sorry in advance.
Okay. Whenever it escalates to the hysteria and hitting, nothing you can say or do to comfort her is going to actually comfort her. It isn't reaching her. It may be aggravating. No matter what is going on, I would gently remove her and go into another room. Not the same one, aka time out, cool down, or what ever. Just a new scene. A calm voice, "You are too upset. Let me know when you're calm and we'll work it out." And then walk away. Ignore tantrum, and if she escalates to damage stuff- hit walls, I always took her upp to her room and sat in the room with her, my back to the door and told her she hurt the house, we would stay there until she was calm and then stare at the mama giraffe poster at the other side of the room and ignored pleads, everything until she says, "im done," and then I held her and told her I loved her and want to fix it as badly as she wanted it fixed, let's do this together.... This was rarer, but when things got to an extreme.
BEFORE it gets to that level there are options. Distraction. I'm talking dig deep for the strenth to be focused and ssilly. Example- will you wash it softly, once it is repeated the first time, ask her if she'd like to wash your hair softly and hop in with her. Or say in a whisper (whispering is magic here, man, they want to hear!) "ooooh yes. And maybe I'll wash it purplely. Or elephantly. How does an elephant wash his hair??" Hmm. OR give her the control she needs in the interaction but shape it, tell her Okay. What do I do first? I know!! I get your pillow wet!!" (nooo- the pillow isn't in the tub, you get my hair wet) Whatever. Point is lovingly knock her off that record she's stuck on.
Oh. I strongly suggest, you never answer the repeated question with exactly the same words. Next you'll have her perseverating on her words AND trying to dictate yours!
Okay. Another thought. In my house we have a silly phrase I use to warn them their voices are bordering shrill. Dh calls it their panic-voices. I simply say "Saaaay, Alex, did you know that an eskimo kisses with his nose?" Don't ask why... but that's their warning. It works anywhere, anytime. This may be better for down the road.
Another thought, bust out your phone and record the tantrum. When she;s calm discuss it with her.
I think in general, also it is important to respond to all tantrum issues by supplying LO with the appropriate response. "Mommy I feel scared, please wash gently." "Mommy I feel bored. Please play Candyland." "Mommy, I feel hungry, may I please have a snack" and I repeat it throughout the tantrum until LO is able to repeat back. . The focus is not on what she is doing, but how she can get her needs met appropriately.
But I also think, as long as there are no other developmental issues, you take it with a grain of salt. As infants they get the boob, the comfort and attention on demand. It sucks coming away from that. So if you can look at it as a healthy, normal, evenif ugly phase that will end, it will take some of the pressure/guilt off of you. You can't completely rationalize with a a partially irrational being. You can only let her know she is safe and loved as she navigates this identity change as she becomes her own person. I get, and have experienced the mama guilt of parenting a child uprooted by not one, but 2 babies, but guess what- kids go through phases uprooted or not. You're doing just fine.
Thanks for all the tips, they're very helpful. We're going to give it a little bit more time, but may end up having her checked out by someone. Even within the last 2 days it's gotten worse. It was happening once every 1-2 days, but it's happened 4 times now just within the last 24hrs. And I guess my theory about it only happening with me was wrong. She was home alone with DH today and it happened twice with him. One time it was "Do I get french fries with my hot dogs???" Over and over all morning when she was thinking ahead to lunch. The other time was "Do I make a happy plate if I eat my fettuccini and my strawberries???" (Happy plate is what we call it when she eats the majority of her meal) Ugh. It's spreading to any and every topic now. I did use your silly distraction idea this morning and was able to steer her around the curve. She kept asking "Am I gonna get a sno cone???" (DH told her they could go get a sno cone this afternoon) So I asked her lots and lots of questions about the sno cones, and got as silly and animated as I could get. I could see her almost fighting it, trying not to smile or laugh, but eventually she did give in and happily left the room. So we'll keep trying with the things you suggested. Thanks so much again.
Another thing...she doesn't do this at school. and this past weekend we were at my parents house Friday through Monday and she didn't do it a single time while we were there. She does sometimes bring it out in public, but only when she's with us. Any ideas on why that would be? Does that mean that she can control it in certain situations?
My oldest will perseverate on things too. Like the sun being in his eyes... sorry, I have no control over that, or when Nick crawls near a door. He absolutely can not get passed that Nick crawled towards the closed door and he freaks out out like someone is pulling his teeth out. Things like this have been going on for months. We are working with an OT to work through some of it. In general, he's just an anxious boy.
Ok I'm rambling, but just wanted you to know you're not alone on this.
I'm sticking with my bet of a phase. I do believe she can control it... sorta. I think it's like a top. Once it has momentum, it can't stop until it's run its course. That you were able to change the course says to me that it has become a habit. You could watch and see if there are any dietary correlations- my kids get junk food on holidays, birthdays and at school if it's part of an activity. So when they get it they spin and spin and spin. Red dyes often affect behavior... but honestly I think it's going to run its course. All of my kids still have certain stimuli that triggers the panic and spinning- most notably now is the fan above the entrance at BJs. The twins panic the whole walk into the store, asking if it's on, will it be loud, will I push fast, over and over.
I think if you want to talk to someone about it, you should, but more and more,it sounds like a kid thing, and she'll work through it. I almost always find silliness is as natural as breathing, and as often as you need to take a breath to steel yourself, she needs the silly to move forward. Good luck!!