encouraging vs. forcing

HisChamaoleGirl

I have seen many posts about encouraging, not forcing a child to have a relationship with their NCP. I know a lot of the time it has to do with the parent being absent and its their responsibility to reach out to the child and not the CP to push the issue with the NCP.

That being said, my DH is the NCP and is constantly trying to get ahold of his SS, but he is never available as BM puts it. I understand he has sports he participates in, but every time DH calls (makes sure its after school hours) she says SS is "not available." She wont share the practice and game schedules so its hard to set up a good time to call when SS will be "available." BM says it is DHs responsibility to make contact with SS, but she isnt making it very easy.

Do you think it is unreasonable to ask BM to have SS call DH?

angelamaster1986

wendilea:

Contact the school and get the practice schedule from them.  Call at 8 pm, or sometime when he SHOULD be home.  Call every single day until he is available, or he returns the call.  Make a big enough nuisance of yourselves, and she will eventually stop playing this game.

 All of this!!^^

 

 

Holly_1007

yep, I agree with wendi. If she says he is unavailable, call back every hour or two until he is available.  how old is SS? would it be possible to get him one of those cell phones that only lets you call like 4 people?

jkacera15

Has your DH asked for schedules?? Asked when he can call back?? I would do like the OP's said...make yourself a nuisance if she's playing games until she lets him through to SS.

Maybe ask BM to give him a time during weeknights that SS will be available before he goes to bed to chat for just a couple minutes and see what she says.

Hopeforthebest

::These are the Days of Our Lives::

It is frustrating. Keep trying. I have heard on this board of some people doing "wellness checks". I think it would depend on the age of the child in question as to if this would be a good tactic or not. Depending on the length of time as well since there had been contact.

 

J&A2008

You are establishing a CO?  You can put in there that DH and SS should have phone contact once per week. 

I don't have the boys call BM anymore, but whenever she did call, if it was after bed or whatever, we returned the call within 24 hours.

I think this would be reasonable for the CO as well.

CFjo2010

wendilea:

We have the same issue.  Contact the school and get the practice schedule from them.  Call at 8 pm, or sometime when he SHOULD be home.  Call every single day until he is available, or he returns the call.  Make a big enough nuisance of yourselves, and she will eventually stop playing this game.

^^ Yup.  She'll eventually get beyond irritated.  Does SS have an email address?  Maybe have DH send an email to SS saying, "I've been trying to reach you, but I understand you're busy with school and activities.  What time is a good time for me to call?".  That way SS will at least know that dad is trying to contact him.  As for the suggestion of a wellness check, that may be a good idea.  How long has it been since your DH was able to speak with SS?  I know you had posted that SS threw a fit and hung up on DH, is it possible that SS is still fuming?

As for your question of encouraging vs. forcing:  I think it depends on how strong-willed the chlid is.  I encourage the kids to have a relationship with their father.  I suggest they call him, and when he occasionally calls I hand the kids the phone. But I cannot physically force them to talk.  My son (13) would seriously rather be grounded then talk to his father.  The rule at our house is that if their father calls and the kids don't want to talk, they need to get on the line and explain they don't want to talk right now and set up a different time to talk.  They may not just hang up on him.  If they do hang up, they lose a privilege (my son loses his Kindle/FB for a week, my daughter loses her DS for a week).  I do my best to not be involved in their interactions with BD, I just try to encourage some sort of relationship and demand that they at least be respectful.

CFjo2010

J&A2008:

You are establishing a CO?  You can put in there that DH and SS should have phone contact once per week. 

You said in a previous post that your DH and SS play the Xbox live, yes?  Do either of them have the Kinect?  You can actually do video chatting through the Kinect.  The kids do this with my ILs a lot.  Have something put in the CO regarding phonecalls or Skype. 

HisChamaoleGirl

wendilea:

We have the same issue. nbsp;Contact the school and get the practice schedule from them. nbsp;Call at 8 pm, or sometime when he SHOULD be home. nbsp;Call every single day until he is available, or he returns the call. nbsp;Make a big enough nuisance of yourselves, and she will eventually stop playing this game.

Contacting the school is a good idea but his sports are not through his school.

I do like your idea of blowing up her phone until we get a response. I suppose her not answering can be documented too.

HisChamaoleGirl

jkacera15:

Has your DH asked for schedules?? Asked when he can call back?? I would do like the OP's said...make yourself a nuisance if she's playing games until she lets him through to SS.
Maybe ask BM to give him a time during weeknights that SS will be available before he goes to bed to chat for just a couple minutes and see what she says.

Yes DH has asked for SS schedule and the only answer is "yes" but when he reminds her she says "she's too busy" to send it. Yes he had asked when to call back and if she provides a time no one answers when he calls.

I do like the set a time before bed to call. That may be tricky because of DH work schedule but I'll suggest it. Different time zones make things interesting :

HisChamaoleGirl

JA2008:

You are establishing a CO?nbsp; You can put in there that DH and SS should have phone contact once per week.nbsp;
I don't have the boys call BM anymore, but whenever she did call, if it was after bed or whatever, we returned the call within 24 hours.
I think this would be reasonable for the CO as well.

The thread I posted earlier about establishing a CO is for a friend for her 10month old dd. DH has a co and it says that communication must be open to the child and if either BM or DH changes their phone number there is 24hrs to notify the other parent.
Next time the co is adjusted we will add the set time.

J&A2008

If you have a lawyer, you should have him/her send BM/BM's lawyer a letter that phone calls need to be returned within a reasonable time.  BM cannot make DH just keep calling and calling and not return a phone call to let SS talk.

Littlejen22

It is not unreasonable and it is wrong of BM. I would have a lawyer write her asking for his schedule and a day of week and time that he can be available for talking.

HisChamaoleGirl

jobalchak:

wendilea:

We have the same issue.  Contact the school and get the practice schedule from them.  Call at 8 pm, or sometime when he SHOULD be home.  Call every single day until he is available, or he returns the call.  Make a big enough nuisance of yourselves, and she will eventually stop playing this game.

 Does SS have an email address?  Maybe have DH send an email to SS saying, "I've been trying to reach you, but I understand you're busy with school and activities.  What time is a good time for me to call?".  That way SS will at least know that dad is trying to contact him. 

He is 8 so no facebook or email address of his own at this point. I know sometimes he will text his dad from BM phone. But there is no guarentee that he will get any of the messages DH sends to BMs phone. 

 As for the suggestion of a wellness check, that may be a good idea.  How long has it been since your DH was able to speak with SS?  I know you had posted that SS threw a fit and hung up on DH, is it possible that SS is still fuming?

This actually has been an on going issue since we last saw SS in April/May. The fit he threw was after about three weeks of zero contact with SS.

As for the wellness check I know SS is OK bc we can see BM facebook updates so I think the wellness check may actually cause more issues. If there is another extended period of time in between calls sending her a message hinting at a wellness check may be the prompt she needs to have him call.

 

HisChamaoleGirl

J&A2008:

If you have a lawyer, you should have him/her send BM/BM's lawyer a letter that phone calls need to be returned within a reasonable time.  BM cannot make DH just keep calling and calling and not return a phone call to let SS talk.

This is a good idea. Thank you!