Surprised - and a little frustrated

Kaeldrasmommy

The two are not particularly related though. I'm surprised because BM actually sent DSD a card for her birthday. Brave of all things, but it's better than she's bothered with for her in about 4 or 5 years. She even sent a text to DH to see if he was at home so she could call, but he was at work and she hasn't tried again.

I'm frustrated because it's her 13th. DSD is having a meltdown because 'she's a teenager now, and I don't have as many good childhood memories as you do', is what she tells me. She went on and on about all these things that I supposedly have better than she does, which is backwards and strange coming from someone who in all reality doesn't know me very well. I'm torn all the way around between feeling bad knowing that not everything was wonderful for her as she's grown, wanting to teach her how to see the positive, and general irritation at her behavior.

Well, she's a teenager for a day and already the drama begins.

Littlejen22

Is she in therapy? From my experience this will escalate over the next few years if you guys are not very on top of her.

Kaeldrasmommy

Littlejen22:

Is she in therapy? From my experience this will escalate over the next few years if you guys are not very on top of her.

She used to be. She has reactive attachment disorder. She no longer needs therapy for it, just very specific parenting, sometimes the usual issues for kids her age frustrate me though.

J&A2008

I think she should talk with someone.  Check if they have a psychologist at school.

You said the two aren't related, but why wouldn't they be?

Kaeldrasmommy

J&A2008:

I think she should talk with someone.  Check if they have a psychologist at school.

You said the two aren't related, but why wouldn't they be?

I'm pretty much stuck with trying harder to get her to talk to me, thanks to the RAD, she needs a stronger attachment to me and needs to develop some boundaries with strangers.

I say the two aren't related because whereas it's all surrounding the birthday, she isn't upset about BM.

J&A2008

Kaeldrasmommy:

J&A2008:

I think she should talk with someone.  Check if they have a psychologist at school.

You said the two aren't related, but why wouldn't they be?

I'm pretty much stuck with trying harder to get her to talk to me, thanks to the RAD, she needs a stronger attachment to me and needs to develop some boundaries with strangers.

I say the two aren't related because whereas it's all surrounding the birthday, she isn't upset about BM.

From a SM with two boys basically abandoned by their mother, I'm going to say this is probably dead wrong.

She should talk to someone, and while a strong bond with you is great, she needs a neutral party.  Since you are "mom" in all aspects, she's not going to feel as comfortable spilling her guts about her feelings about her other mom to you.

Littlejen22

J&A2008:

Kaeldrasmommy:

J&A2008:

I think she should talk with someone.  Check if they have a psychologist at school.

You said the two aren't related, but why wouldn't they be?

I'm pretty much stuck with trying harder to get her to talk to me, thanks to the RAD, she needs a stronger attachment to me and needs to develop some boundaries with strangers.

I say the two aren't related because whereas it's all surrounding the birthday, she isn't upset about BM.

From a SM with two boys basically abandoned by their mother, I'm going to say this is probably dead wrong.

She should talk to someone, and while a strong bond with you is great, she needs a neutral party.  Since you are "mom" in all aspects, she's not going to feel as comfortable spilling her guts about her feelings about her other mom to you.

Yup, as the SM of 22yo SD I can promise you that even if she is not aware of her feelings she IS mad at BM and when it blows up it might be too late to get her therapy.

I understand that she might not need therapy for RAD anymore but she needs someone besides her SM to talk to before these obvious abandonment issues get bigger because as she enters the teen years she is very unlikely onto just become more ok with the fact that her Mom left her and she is likely to act out in ways that you might not imagine right now. And I am not making the assumption just because of my experience but because of that combined with what you said above. My SD was not mad at BM at 13, at 13 she still made excuses for why BM was not more involved and why she sent gifts like preteen magazines and flavored lipgloss...or rather she was 14 at that point but same thing.

J&A2008

A little more on kids with little to no relationship with a bio-parent: I would guess she's not really happy about the card from BM.  I had little contact with my father growing up, and he did remember my birthday or Christmas from time to time, and while it was supposed to make me happy he remembered, all it did was remind me that our relationship was never going to be good. 

When a parent is absent, kids sometimes fantasize about how good it will be when they reunite.  The parent will be wonderful, and everything will be happy and glowy and perfect.  Then you get a simple card that says nowhere near enough to fill the gap of the last three or four years and you get a slap of reality:  You will not have a real parent, just some tokens here and there. 

Granted, I don't know your SD, and there may be other factors that make her situation completely different than mine or my SSs', but these are some of my experiences.

Kaeldrasmommy

Thank you for your input. I think the reminder that she handles things differently than I do, and did in itself is helpful.