Need Some Advice From My April 2011 Mamas

ITGurl0626

I feel comfortable posting this here with you all: 

DH & I have bumped heads in a major way this weekend.  He feels that it is OK to start "spanking".  He doesn't hit her had but he will give a light smack on her butt if she drops to the floor with a mini tantrum.  Or he will lightly smack her leg if she is trying to climb on something. What I do is say "No, we don't climb on the table", put her leg down , & redirect her to something else.  DH believes my methods are not working & the spanking will get her attention. 

He refuses to read any parenting books or child development books.  He says that those people don't know anything & don't know his child.  He truly believes his way is the right way and I strongly disagree.  He blatantly stated that he doesn't care about what I believe or feel about the issue, he is going to continue doing what he does. 

I am seriously considering putting him out & filing for divorce....

 

kje120

I'm not sure what to say about the light spanking, but him saying straight out that he doesn't care about your thoughts or feelings on the issue is a major cause for concern. Is that a recurring theme in your relationship?

I guess my only advice is to sit down and have a rational conversation about it. Not confrontational, just talking.  If he is unwilling to even discuss anything I would consider where to go from there.  You have to do what is in the best interest of you and your child.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. (((hugs))) 

ITGurl0626

kestock120:

I'm not sure what to say about the light spanking, but him saying straight out that he doesn't care about your thoughts or feelings on the issue is a major cause for concern. Is that a recurring theme in your relationship?

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I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. (((hugs))) 

Sadly, this is a recurring theme in our relationship.  If he disagrees with me on something, he doesn't care what I think about it.  It is wearing on me and now the spanking is really starting to piss me off.  He does it lightly but I don't want my DD to learn about hitting.  We don't have any hitting problems with her at daycare (yet) and I don't want them to start.

I already told him that I don't want to be with someone that doesn't respect my feelings.  Ugh....

Ecy

This is such a tough issue! I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. I am not completely against spanking or anything but at this age I don't think it's a good idea at all. And I'm not sure that I will ever spank my DD but I'm not positive that my DH won't one day.

I will say that I would throw a fit if he tried it at this age. Tell him that's just teaching her aggressive behavior at this age. She's only going to start hitting y'all or other children she's around. I hope you can discuss this further with him without it being an argument. Sit down calmly and tell him to please just listen to your reasons as to why she's too young for this type of discipline. Give him to the point reasons and try to leave emotion out of it as many men don't respond well to that. GL!

ITGurl0626

Ecy:

I will say that I would throw a fit if he tried it at this age. Tell him that's just teaching her aggressive behavior at this age. She's only going to start hitting y'all or other children she's around. I hope you can discuss this further with him without it being an argument. Sit down calmly and tell him to please just listen to your reasons as to why she's too young for this type of discipline. Give him to the point reasons and try to leave emotion out of it as many men don't respond well to that. GL!

This is exactly why I don't want him doing any type of spanking.  However, he believes that doesn't teach her how to hit anyone.  He thinks that she respects him more than me because I don't spank her.

I am at my wits end and yesterday I went off.  Today, I am seriously considering telling him to move out.  I already let him know that too.

campbaby76

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. Pretty sure that spanking is not the biggest issue here. Your DH sounds like he is trying to exert his "authority" and control the situation both with you and your LO with "power".  It's not ok.

Is there any chance that he would go to counseling?  Also in my opinion you can't throw out empty threats like asking him to leave. The more you threaten, the less you act, the less he will respect you and the more he will ignore you.

I know you are at your wit's end and I don't mean to be critical of you, so I hope it doesn't sound that way.

ITGurl0626

campbaby76:

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. Pretty sure that spanking is not the biggest issue here. Your DH sounds like he is trying to exert his "authority" and control the situation both with you and your LO with "power".  It's not ok.

Is there any chance that he would go to counseling?  Also in my opinion you can't throw out empty threats like asking him to leave. The more you threaten, the less you act, the less he will respect you and the more he will ignore you.

I know you are at your wit's end and I don't mean to be critical of you, so I hope it doesn't sound that way.

I don't think you are being critical.  My DH refuses to go to counseling, I have mentioned it numerous times before.  I am not giving empty threats, I am serious about him leaving if he isn't willing to take into account how I feel.

shaindelr

I think you've had numerous serious issues with your DH, and maybe this should be the last straw. I think he's really disrespectful to you, and I don't want your LO to see you being treated like that or to think it's okay for her to be treated like that (since she's a girl).

Also, he's HUGE -- like 6'5", right? I'm not saying he isn't "lightly spanking" her, but that's got to be scary for her...even if he is. I just searched for the emails you set me the last time the @#$#@ hit the fan between you and your DH, and it was September, and back then you were trying to decide if you should still be with him or not

I know I spent WAY TOO LONG with my crazy, abusive ex, and I always think if you know things are bad, and he's not interested in changing, it's best to get out before more damage is done to everyone.

  

AnjaO

I was thinking about it the other day, and as frustrating as DS can be sometimes, I could not imagine spanking him.  Plus, at this age, he can only see it as "someone I trust is hurting me."  I imagine if he wants it to be "effective," he must spank her hard enough for it to be at least a little painful.  I myself am not okay with that, but that aside, your husband's refusal to listen to what you think is a big problem.  I feel like that's something that can only get worse with time, and you'll only continually be marginalized in the decision making of how to raise your child.  I think if I were at the point you are, I would kick his butt out until he is willing to go to counseling.  I'm sorry!

APrice4UT

Yeah, your husband is not being a very good partner/co-parent right now. 

I am against spanking because it is impossible to teach a child not to hit when a parent hits.  Spanking is also considered (and rightfully so) as the way a parent gets out their frustration (read 1-2-3 Magic).  

I would give counseling a shot before you just throw in the towel.  The issue seems simple but also seems to be festering over time.  I wish you lots of luck!

stephanie_shoe

I honestly would discuss the spanking issue with your pediatrician while both of you are present.  Maybe he/she could be your advocate against spanking.. And I'm all for leaving his ass if that's what will make you happy, but I would worry about him spanking her on his time with her, when you are not around...

lylahlove

That all breaks my heart. If my husband were beating (yes, I'm saying beating and not spanking . I think "spanking" sugar coats it and he's physically abusing your child. that's not parenting.), I would kick him out until he can get help and be respectful to you and your daughter. Keeping your daughter in the middle of this while you give him more chances isn't responsible. It seems he's making it clear that he's not willing to respect either of you. 

best of luck. I hope you can find the strength to do what you have to do.  

2u2wow

if you feel that spanking is hurting your child whether emotionally or physically then you need to do anything in your power to protect your baby! it's not like you'd let a stranger hurt your child! stand up for your daughter and unfortunately it sounds like a deeper issue. 

go with your gut! she's your daughter too! 

shaindelr

I'm so sorry if I'm going too far here. A guy like this isn't going to change. He's told you he can leave you because you are "just a female." Do you want your daughter to be raised by this man?

It just makes me so sad. Your life can be so much better. Trust me. I was married to the guy who told me if I didn't put his laundry away, he'd "find someone else to @#$#@ who would clean for him." Really. Guys like this are like this. They have deep psychological issues, and they aren't going to change. I know it's tough, but you can make a choice for the better, and you're in a position a lot of women aren't in. You're the breadwinner; you can give your daughter better.

Big hugs.

shaindelr

Scout2005:

shaindelr:

I'm so sorry if I'm going too far here. A guy like this isn't going to change. He's told you he can leave you because you are "just a female." Do you want your daughter to be raised by this man?

Big hugs.

I totally agree w/ you, Shaindelr, but the one thing that would make me a little nervous is that this man will still be raising this child. I doubt he isn't going to get some custody, and then it's on his own at least part of the time.

Which is why counseling and continued discussions about spanking are probably a good idea. Because he is going to have a chance to parent, most likely, and will be able to do whatever he wants whether OP and him are together or not. 

Oh, good point, but I don't know if it sounds like he'll listen to anyone.