Establishing a co

HisChamaoleGirl

This is for a friend of mine. She has a court date on Wednesday. She has a protective order for her and her daughter but it expires on Wednesday. She was told the court date is to establish a CO and she should start thinking of what she wants. Her dd is
10months old. I am writing to ask you ladies for input on what she should ask for. He wants one day a week to visit and she said she wants it supervised. He's never taken care of his daughter and my friend doesn't trust him to be able to take care of dd so she wants to be the one supervising. I of course don't recommend that. What would you ladies suggest she ask for?

Littlejen22

Why did she have the protection order and why did they order it for her DD too? If she legitimately needed the order then it is just not safe for her or her DD for her to supervise it, does her state allow for the kind of supervised visits where a paid professional supervised? She also needs to state what he needs to do and for how long before it is unsupervised. She also needs to be prepared for him to say eventually he wants more time so she needs to have. List of when it will change even if she asks for the once a week with no end.

HisChamaoleGirl

Littlejen22:

Why did she have the protection order and why did they order it for her DD too? If she legitimately needed the order then it is just not safe for her or her DD for her to supervise it, does her state allow for the kind of supervised visits where a paid professional supervised? She also needs to state what he needs to do and for how long before it is unsupervised. She also needs to be prepared for him to say eventually he wants more time so she needs to have. List of when it will change even if she asks for the once a week with no end.

The protective order included dd because my friend was holding dd during the attack. She did look into an outside party supervising but her stbxh would have to pay 100 for three hour visit. That's not her problem but her lawyer said it looks better for her to
Come up with what she wants for his visitation so the judge sees she is cooperating.

Nineoceans

Why do people want to add unnecessary drama in their lives when kids are concerned? That blows my mind.

If she has an order of protection against him, as in they should not be within a certain number of feet close to each other she absolutely should NOT supervise the visits. That is absolutely an insane proposition and if I were the judge I would read that and say hmm sounds like these two people thrive off of drama.

Let his mom or someone else she mildly trusts supervise the visits. He needs to begin building his own relationship with the child and she needs to back away and stay away from him until things can become civil/friendly for their child's sake

Wahoo

I don't think that her supervising the child is a good idea. 

Does he have family - a sister in law, a mother, a sister, that she trusts? 

If she does supervise the visitation, it should be at a public place like McDonald's. 

And are there alternatives to such an expensive supervisor?  Social workers or even a security professional?  To be honest, I don't think $100 is that expensive if he will only be seeing her for 3 hours.  Maybe her "compromise" is that she reduces child support by $50 for every time the service is used?

HisChamaoleGirl

Nineoceans:

Why do people want to add unnecessary drama in their lives when kids are concerned? That blows my mind. If she has an order of protection against him, as in they should not be within a certain number of feet close to each other she absolutely should NOT supervise the visits. That is absolutely an insane proposition and if I were the judge I would read that and say hmm sounds like these two people thrive off of drama. Let his mom or someone else she mildly trusts supervise the visits. He needs to begin building his own relationship with the child and she needs to back away and stay away from him until things can become civil/friendly for their child's sake

I agree that she should not be the one supervising these visits. The protection order will not be able to be renewed so her lawyer gave her a "heads up" that she needs to come to court tomorrow with what she wants for visitation. She absolutely wants the visitation to be supervised bc STBXH has never cared for DD and she doesnt trust that he will be able to. 

What I am asking for is what should she be including in the CO? I am some help, but not a lot bc DHs CO for SS is a long distance one and SS is older.

 

HisChamaoleGirl

Wahoo:

I don't think that her supervising the child is a good idea. 

Does he have family - a sister in law, a mother, a sister, that she trusts? 

If she does supervise the visitation, it should be at a public place like McDonald's. 

And are there alternatives to such an expensive supervisor?  Social workers or even a security professional?  To be honest, I don't think $100 is that expensive if he will only be seeing her for 3 hours.  Maybe her "compromise" is that she reduces child support by $50 for every time the service is used?

Neither of them have family in the area since they moved here a few months ago with the military. I am the only one that the BM knows well enough that she trusts with the DD. I do not know if I would even be available to be a part of these visits and honestly bc of his violent past I do not know if I would even want my name outlined anywhere. I will suggest the CS paying for the visits to her, but the amount she is being awarded barely will cover daycare costs so I dont know if she would be willing to do it.

Holly_1007

her best bet is to make the CO as specific as possible.  dates and times of holidays, if he wants to increase visitation over time, when that is acceptable etc.  decision making rights with regards to daycare, school etc. 

She can't keep the DD from him, so either she needs to propose a safe/ trustworthy person to supervise the visitation, or agree to a professional/ social worker.  if she walks in and says "I want supervised visitation" without offering any suggestions/ alternatives she looks like she is trying to keep the dd away from the father. 

kmartinez80

I'm usually a lurker, but I have some experience with a similar situation, so I thought I would respond.  I had a protective order for me and my DD against my XH (when I initially left) because XH was abusive to me and DD.  Before we had a CO in place, the protective order said that XH could have supervised visits with DD supervised by a third party that mother approves of.  Initially, one of our friends supervised the visits, but then XH threatened to kill me at one of the exchanges and the friend refused to cooperate with the police regarding the incident.

After that I refused to allow anyone that wasn't a court approved third party to supervise the visits.  XH had to find a court approved supervising agency to have visits.  The plus side of doing it that way is that the supervisor should have no bias against either part and they are required to write monthly reports for the court.  The supervisor's role is to look out for LO.  It sucks that it costs money to have someone supervise the visits, but it protects the child and it's just one of the consequences of abusing LO.  In my situation, there is no end date of the supervised visits, but the situation with my XH is a bit complicated.

I would definitely push for a professional supervisor and I would urge your friend to push for a timeframe and/or number of visits completed and then ask for re-evaluation of the supervision.  Say after 6 visits and/or 6 months the topic of whether or not the supervision needs to be in place can be reviewed based on the reports of the supervisor.  That way it shows that your friend is working to get the visits unsupervised, but ultimately looking out for LO.  Good luck!

TheBuddha

wendilea:

Since there was a protective order that included the DD, I don't think it's out of line to ask for supervised visits. nbsp;He has a history of abuse, there's no way I would let him take my child unsupervised. nbsp;So he has to pay 100 for a visit he should have thought of that before he beat mom. nbsp;She's not keeping the DD from him, she's setting up parameters. nbsp;Maybe after X number of supervised visits, he can have day visits unsupervised. nbsp;Then after X number of day visits, he can have an overnight. nbsp;

I agree.

If he was abusive before how does she know he won't be again? And it's not BMs job to pay for the supervisor of the visits.

BD lost control of himself now there is a price to pay to see his DD. If he wants to see her he will pay the fee.

HisChamaoleGirl

TheBuddha:

wendilea:

Since there was a protective order that included the DD, I don't think it's out of line to ask for supervised visits. nbsp;He has a history of abuse, there's no way I would let him take my child unsupervised. nbsp;So he has to pay 100 for a visit he should have thought of that before he beat mom. nbsp;She's not keeping the DD from him, she's setting up parameters. nbsp;Maybe after X number of supervised visits, he can have day visits unsupervised. nbsp;Then after X number of day visits, he can have an overnight. nbsp;

I agree.

If he was abusive before how does she know he won't be again? And it's not BMs job to pay for the supervisor of the visits.

BD lost control of himself now there is a price to pay to see his DD. If he wants to see her he will pay the fee.

She wants to extend the protective order but her lawyer said she probably wont be able to. He said to bring along what she wants for the CO in the event that the judge says no to an extension and says on to the visitation issue