Why you shouldn't tell your kids that they are smart

huahualove

I know that this as been discussed on this board that we should tell our kids that they are smart rather than pretty and such. This article is kind of long, but it is interesting on what a difference it can make in a child if you say they are a hard worker vs saying that they are smart. This study came to the conclusion that if you tell a child that they are smart, then they think that they don't have to put in the effort. If they think that there is a chance of failure, they are less likely to take that risk. Then, if a child is told that they are a hard worker, they are more willing to put in that effort. Personally, I know that I will still tell ds that he is smart, but I will also add that he is a hard worker when he has been one.

Here is the link if you have some time to kill and would like to read it:

https://nymag.com/news/features/27840/index2.html

lauranicole91

I will disclaim I didn't read the article you linked but are we just not allowed to tell our kids anything anymore? They aren't pretty, they aren't smart. Yeesh. Next I bet they aren't going to be allowed to be silly or funny.

This isn't an attack on you personally huahua, just a mini vent.

huahualove

I know what you are saying. That is why I still said that I'm sure I'm going to tell ds that he is smart still but I will add to it that he is a hard worker when he has been one as well.

lauranicole91

huahualove:

I know what you are saying. That is why I still said that I'm sure I'm going to tell ds that he is smart still but I will add to it that he is a hard worker when he has been one as well.

 

mrs+harlow

lauranicole91:

I will disclaim I didn't read the article you linked but are we just not allowed to tell our kids anything anymore? They aren't pretty, they aren't smart. Yeesh. Next I bet they aren't going to be allowed to be silly or funny.

This isn't an attack on you personally huahua, just a mini vent.

This. Sometimes, I think things are over thought.

adrianacastro08

I agree with over thinking things. I don't think you can go wrong with praising and complimenting your child. Though, as a child mental health therapist, I teach parents to label their praises, such as "you're so smart for counting to ten," vs. an unlabeled general praise, "you're so smart". It helps kids understand what specific behavior you like, and also helps them gain intrinsic confidence for their behavior/efforts, rather than a general, "I'm special and entitled" attitude

Monkeybabe

adrianacastro08:

I agree with over thinking things. I don't think you can go wrong with praising and complimenting your child. Though, as a child mental health therapist, I teach parents to label their praises, such as "you're so smart for counting to ten," vs. an unlabeled general praise, "you're so smart". It helps kids understand what specific behavior you like, and also helps them gain intrinsic confidence for their behavior/efforts, rather than a general, "I'm special and entitled" attitude

Good to know! 

huahualove

adrianacastro08:

I agree with over thinking things. I don't think you can go wrong with praising and complimenting your child. Though, as a child mental health therapist, I teach parents to label their praises, such as "you're so smart for counting to ten," vs. an unlabeled general praise, "you're so smart". It helps kids understand what specific behavior you like, and also helps them gain intrinsic confidence for their behavior/efforts, rather than a general, "I'm special and entitled" attitude

Thank you, I really like how you explained that! This is why I love this board. There are so many women with different knowledge and experiences.

lauranicole91

huahualove:

adrianacastro08:

I agree with over thinking things. I don't think you can go wrong with praising and complimenting your child. Though, as a child mental health therapist, I teach parents to label their praises, such as "you're so smart for counting to ten," vs. an unlabeled general praise, "you're so smart". It helps kids understand what specific behavior you like, and also helps them gain intrinsic confidence for their behavior/efforts, rather than a general, "I'm special and entitled" attitude

Thank you, I really like how you explained that! This is why I love this board. There are so many women with different knowledge and experiences.

See now THAT I will accept! Thanks for that breakdown.

erniebufflo

I read a similar article recently. I think it is kind of true for how I grew up. I was always way ahead of my grade level in things like reading, and my parents definitely emphasized being smart and getting good grades. Then, I hit geometry, and it was REALLY hard for me. Most upper level math was. My mom told me things like, "It's OK, honey, lots of girls aren't very good at math." My dad spent hours helping me do my homework. But I still got the idea that I "just wasn't good at math" and assumed that it wasn't worth it to really try very hard because I was never going to master it, after all, everything else came very very easily to me. I don't think that they shouldn't have been telling me I was smart all those years, but I think they handled it poorly when I ran into something that was actually hard for me, and maybe that's the difference. I shouldn't have been allowed to give up on math, and they shouldn't have excused my performance. Maybe then, I'd be able to do it. Today, I can barely even perform basic arithmetic in my head. When I took the GRE for grad school, I scored in the 99th percentile for my verbal and the 33rd percentile for math. Talk about a lopsided knowledge base! And I really don't think it had to be that way.

geekychic

 How about we tell them they are smart, when they are smart.  We tell them they are beautiful, when they are cute.  We tell them they are hard workers, when they work hard.  And we just tell them we love them and encourage them to be smart, and cute, and hard working.

geekychic

erniebufflo:

"It's OK, honey, lots of girls aren't very good at math."

Ugh.

lauranicole91

geekychic:

 How about we tell them they are smart, when they are smart.  We tell them they are beautiful, when they are cute.  We tell them they are hard workers, when they work hard.  And we just tell them we love them and encourage them to be smart, and cute, and hard working.

 

Ximena M

I do understand what the article is saying. but in my experience children know when they are ahead of their class, behind or with at where they should be.  Those behind often get a very low self-esteem.  They need the extra praise for ever small accomplishment.  

I do label my accomplishments with my step daughters when I praise them. I hear my husband doing the same thing.  They are both gifted and seem to just get things right away.  Another issue I see is that they don't know how to handle failure.  They are very unwilling to stop out of their comfort zone. 

DevonPow

There is a geat book about this (and other things) called "Nurture Shock" - I found it really interesting and elightning. I certainly still praise my kids, but I admit that since reading the book I make more of an conscious choice to praise his efforts as opposed to a standard "you are so smart"! Instead I try to say things like "I really liked how you kept working at that puzzle until you solved it" or whatever. The book also has very interesting chapters on how children perceive racism and children and lying....VERY interesting book!

lauranicole91

DevonPow:

There is a geat book about this (and other things) called "Nurture Shock" - I found it really interesting and elightning. I certainly still praise my kids, but I admit that since reading the book I make more of an conscious choice to praise his efforts as opposed to a standard "you are so smart"! Instead I try to say things like "I really liked how you kept working at that puzzle until you solved it" or whatever. The book also has very interesting chapters on how children perceive racism and children and lying....VERY interesting book!

That does sound super interesting! I would love to read about how kids perceive things like that.

thadsrad

We should certainly keep praising our kids when they accomplish things.  We should praise their hard work, their determination, and we should point out the things they have natural aptitude for and those they need to keep working at (i.e. you are so good at coloring in the lines, but let's keep working on reading that chapter book together.)  

BUT, I see students all the time who think that because they are "so smart," they will get a's.  They are, after all, "A students."  Or, they think they have some wonderful aptitude for writing, but can't write a coherent sentence.  These are the kids who spend 6 years in full-time college because they thought they were pre-med material when their math skills were abysmal.  

My goal is to help my son learn what his natural aptitudes are, what hard work feels like, and how much we love him.  Love does not always equal unequivocal praise.    

MegSowers

adrianacastro08:

I agree with over thinking things. I don't think you can go wrong with praising and complimenting your child. Though, as a child mental health therapist, I teach parents to label their praises, such as "you're so smart for counting to ten," vs. an unlabeled general praise, "you're so smart". It helps kids understand what specific behavior you like, and also helps them gain intrinsic confidence for their behavior/efforts, rather than a general, "I'm special and entitled" attitude

I do this as a teacher, too. "I see you using the number line to count!" "I like how you went back and read that word again." 

huahualove

Ernie- Your math, was my spelling. Even when I tried to work harder on it my mom would say that I can't be good at everything and how she is a bad speller so that is why I am too. I was the kid that would be put to bed, then I would get back up to study or do homework without my mom knowing. I know I'm a really hard worker just by comparing myself to my brother, I could see that. My brother is very "book smart" and great at memorizing facts, although he puts little to no effort into school work and wouldn't get very good grades. I would work my butt off to get get good grades. I think of myself of about average intellectually, but I worked very hard for my good grades. My brother would get praised and even paid money my our grandma for his grades even if they were all C's. When I got all A's, or mostly A's I didn't even get recognition because my family was just used to it. They didn't care that I worked my butt off to get good grades then there was my brother who was even more capable than I was to get good grades rarely did. My brother was always told how smart he was, I was not, so I worked really hard because I wanted to be thought of as smart too. The reason I'm sharing all of this is because I do find truth to this study through my personal experiences.

Devon- I need to read that book, I'm going to look into it, than you for sharing.

Mamasaurus

I tell my baby that she has a beautiful smile, that she's smart when she figures things out, that she did a good job for working so hard to reach something, etc as is appropriate for the situation. I'm planning on continuing this rather than worrying about giving her the "wrong" compliment.