future child? DH not on same page. — The Bump
Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months

future child? DH not on same page.

This might get long, but it requires a bit of background....I got pregnant when I was 18 with my beautiful daughter.  Her father was hardly in the picture.  I got pregnant to him 6 months after dating my first ever bf (who I dated for 2.5 years).  3 years after her birth me and my high school love (my first ever bf) got back together, one thing led to another, he proposed we got married.  The whole time I said "IF" i had another child he (DH) would have to do all the work, I had done it all on my own and didnt' want to deal with it again.  Everything was fine for 2 years or so and then for some reason I got baby fever!  It took 5 years total for DH to agree to a baby between us and after some time trying we had a beautiful baby boy.  All I can think of now is how I want to be home with him and also have another baby.  It is tearing us apart because we can't make me staying at homw work financially and he doesn't know if he is ready to have a baby (he keeps saying "if we have another") or if he ever will be.  I feel so guilty because I had no idea I would have all these maternal feelings as I grew older.  I always loved my daughter and still do with all that I am, but I guess I grew out of that selfishness....that's not DH's fault, but I don't know how to make things better....Anyone else experiencing this...ie ready for another but DH not on the same page and maybe never will be?  sorry for the tyraid!
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Re: future child? DH not on same page.

  • Actually I'm in the opposite boat. I'm not sure if I want another baby but DH wants one and he would be fine having another today. It really helps that he doesn't pressure me about it. I tell him that I might get there one day, but not today. You both have to agree on what's best for your family. No pressure! As far as being a stay at home mom...I'm a working mom & I know that DH & I wouldn't get along so well if I were to stay at home. I can see both pros & cons to staying at home & working. Again, it's whatever is best for your family. You don't want to make any decision alone and have your DH resent you or vise versa. I would say just be honest with him, but back off with the pressure. Maybe revisit the issue in a year. Men tend to change their minds, at least mine does!! Good luck!
  • Yep, going through the same thing right now with DH. I wish I had some kind of wisdom to share with you, but I don't. It is just an awful situation, especially when you so badly want another and you are basically being told "no". 

    I really wish I had something more to offer, but I wanted you to know you aren't alone. Hang in there, he just may come around :)

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  • well I will say that 2 under 2 exhausted my husband and I.  We are so blessed, but pretty worn out.  So that being said we both decided that it wouldn't be good for our family to add to it right now and we have some marital stuff to work out also.

    However, I in my brain know i want at least one or maybe two more children once the girls are in school.

    He isn't quite there yet.  He said he would be happy just having our girls, which I would be too, but I am definitely not done.

    I am going to revisit the whole idea with him when the time I have in my brain gets closer.  Our youngest is only 18 months olds, so I don't think he is totally ready to even think about the idea.  I don't know if he ever will be either which makes me sad.  

    It isn't easy, but maybe let it go for a while.  Enjoy the now and maybe he will come around soon. Too much pressure usually makes many men run.  They have to come to the idea on their own and he may.  Give it some time :) 

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  • Wow. Im glad im not the only one. When DH and I got married a little over 3yrs ago we had discussed everything so that later on neither one of us could say we were blindsided by anything. One of the things we discussed was kids. I know i want 3. Ive always wanted that many. He agreed saying he for sure didnt want an only child. (side note: i was engaged to someone before i got married to my dh and i ended it cuz he didnt want kids) Anyway there is also an age difference btwn us and i think that plays a big part. I feel like i dont have a lot of time and he feels like we have all the time in the world.

    So we had DD and he wasnt ready and the first year was hard but now its a lot better....i should also add he is a SAHD which he never thought would be the case. Well now im getting baby fever and he says no. That he is perfectly happy with our one and that we MAYBE can have a 2nd but not anytime soon. And the sad part is i know if the roles were reversed he wouldnt care. But the fact that he will be at home with the new baby is making him say no. i feel like im being punished for having the better job. Its caused a TON of strife btwn us and i am at a loss over what to do.

     

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  • A friend of mine wanted more but DH didn't.  4 yrs later he may be ready.  Personally, we don't have 4 yrs to wait.  If time had been of essence to her, I might ask DH (as pressure free as possible) what his concerns are and what it might take to get past those.  Like pp, my DH is ready for another and *I* am not.  My concerns: I need more sleep (he could help with that, time will also), I want my body recovered more (he could say "yes" when I suggest a physical activity together, again time will help), I want him to step up to make good on some previous requests (long story).  GL!

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  • image rlyttle:
    Actually I'm in the opposite boat. I'm not sure if I want another baby but DH wants one and he would be fine having another today. It really helps that he doesn't pressure me about it. I tell him that I might get there one day, but not today. You both have to agree on what's best for your family. No pressure! As far as being a stay at home mom...I'm a working mom & I know that DH & I wouldn't get along so well if I were to stay at home. I can see both pros & cons to staying at home & working. Again, it's whatever is best for your family. You don't want to make any decision alone and have your DH resent you or vise versa. I would say just be honest with him, but back off with the pressure. Maybe revisit the issue in a year. Men tend to change their minds, at least mine does!! Good luck!

    This is so true.  I know my DH is like this.  When we first got married, he said he wanted to wait about 5 years before having a baby.  Well within maybe 6 months he was already changing his mind and we got pregnant after being married about a year and a half.  We have 2 kids now and he says he definitely doesn't want anymore (even though he said he wanted 4 back when we were dating).  I would not be at all shocked if one day he changed his mind.  Men act like they are so sure of their opinions, but they change like the wind.  But I hope you guys come to an agreement.  It stinks when one person wants a baby and the other doesn't because you can't just have a baby knowing that your spouse doesn't want one. 

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