End of my rope

mel825

Hi everyone. I'm a long time member, but just can'tpost with my regular account. I guess I'm scared to put it out there incase by some miracle we work things out. My H and I are in a very bad place. We fight everyday. He's done things to hurt me for years, but never apologizes or admits when he's wrong. We've been married for 4 years and have a one year old son and I am 3 month pregnant. We talk to each other horribly. I used to be a care free, happy, light hearted, confident, funny person- very positve. Now I'm so heavy all of th time. I live three hours away from my family (I moved to NYC and then a bit further when I met him) and just feel so lonely without family and with a man that I'm not connected with anymore. 

Ugh, I don't know where to start. He's an attorney and ALWAYS has to be right. Even if  something bothers me, he argues another side. I say black and he says white. I'm at home right now (SAHM)and he works from home-it's a nightmare. The plan was for me to go for a second degree in nursing after LO 2 is born (apply for Fall 2013), which would be a dream, but don't think I can bare it that long. We fight constantly. The other morning he started putting me down about going back to school, basically telling me how hard it gonna be and I have to really want it and it sgonna be hard with two babies, and I'll have to not watch tv, and study-I'm like WTH??? I got so upset and it was the last straw. I don't feel that special connect I should feel with my H. I'm devastaed because I can't imagine my babies growing up without their Daddy, and afraid no man will love them the same. It's not fair. BUT, seeing us fight everyday is much worse. Either we're icey, civil or fighting. This morning he asked if I missed the affection and I do, but not from him with acting this way (which he has for most of the relationship I guess). I'm taking a couple of classes right now (retaking to get close to a 4.0 and up my chances for getting into the nursing programs). I don't know if I should withdraw, and put it towards surviving, getting an apartment, etc. I have some savings and a degree, but would be looking for employment at 3.5 months pregnant. Any advice? I'm so torn, and sad. I can't talk to my family or friends.

Nineoceans

I'm a stepmom so I've seen the after effects of relationships with children not work out. At the least you owe your kids a genuine try in therapy. If he is unwilling, then a genuine try on your end to take things less personally or to try to remember what you loved about him and made you choose him to father your kids because YOU DID choose him. Usually a fight takes two, I have a feeling if you changed your actions and reactions towards him he would slowly start to change his towards you. Just food for thought. On another note I would hate to be trying to divorce an attorney. That sounds like an absolutely miserable proposition. Not that that should make you stay but I'm sure you realize if you want to leave you are probably looking at a year or two of a miserable, emotional, expensive divorce. Maybe instead spend that year having your baby, and rediscovering your Dh. At least then you could walk away with absolutely no regrets or "what ifs" it will make the questions with the kids when they're older that much easier and less emotional.

dmndsr4eva

Nineoceans:

I'm a stepmom so I've seen the after effects of relationships with children not work out. At the least you owe your kids a genuine try in therapy. If he is unwilling, then a genuine try on your end to take things less personally or to try to remember what you loved about him and made you choose him to father your kids because YOU DID choose him. Usually a fight takes two, I have a feeling if you changed your actions and reactions towards him he would slowly start to change his towards you. Just food for thought. On another note I would hate to be trying to divorce an attorney. That sounds like an absolutely miserable proposition. Not that that should make you stay but I'm sure you realize if you want to leave you are probably looking at a year or two of a miserable, emotional, expensive divorce. Maybe instead spend that year having your baby, and rediscovering your Dh. At least then you could walk away with absolutely no regrets or "what ifs" it will make the questions with the kids when they're older that much easier and less emotional.

All of this is excellent advice. My ex was divorced with two kids and my current FI is also divorced with two kids and I have my own toddler from my last relationship. Listen to me!!! If you choose to leave you AND your H will eventually sooner or later get into a new relationship and it will be a constant struggle to keep the peace with a blended family and child support and ex wives and ex husbands involved.  Imagine the woman who comes into his life immediately, are you prepared to hand over your newborn baby to her for the weekend?  I had to send my 1.5 year old son off with my ex and his new GF who he openly started dating a week after we broke up.  And I can assure you it was hell on earth to know that my son was(is) with my ex and his new love interest for all overnight visits.

If there is anything you can do to save your marriage you should try it.  While blended families can work they are typically SO HARD and have a lot of issues that you don't have to deal with in "first" families.  Try to remember why you fell in love with your ex and give it some time and therapy.  My therapist tells a sort of joke that if you just wait a few years you will be happy again.  There was a survey done that surveyed a group of married couples.  Then they removed all the ones that said they were happy and kept the unhappy couples.  Then they surveyed the "unhappy" couples a few years later.  Yes, some were divorced but a lot of them said they were happy.  Point is wait it out and you can find happiness again.  Every relationship has ups and downs.  If you know in the bottom of your heart you still love him give it a chance.