rant - boxed in

2moms2twins

I am feeling so boxed in right now.

The girls are huge crank post normally they are so amazing but i think teething and a illness is getting the best of them. Now they feed off each other in the monkey soee monkey do sense. One cries then then other goes ...

being 24/7 with DW is sometimes a challenge and  I am feeling like there is not a equall weight pull - not that it has to be 50 50 but ... i feel its extremely uneven. I have been up 3 night in a row with girls ( she sleeps through everything EVERYTHING )  but she will go to bed at 2-3am and then i'm up often during then night and then she gets annoyed ( or so i sense ) that I wake her up in the am to do stuff.. I might be a tad resentful  i am not even sure now why

I just dont think she is very considerate.  Like if she was up occasionally at night with girls I would take care f AM stuff ... let her sleep in .. but i feel like she never considers to give me a break ... and  she goes to meetings for poto things and and i'm home  but when she gets home i expect her to jump in and make up ( poor choice of words)   but it does not happen that way  but that is what I would do...  She went to see our friends babys birth and take photos  was gone till 4 am I was home with girls they we up n down ( DAMN TEETH) and when she got home I went to sleep  but yes I know she is tired and so am I I was up waiting for update on new baby and taking care of the two anti nappers anti sleepers here.. I just do things differently and i guess maybe its my fault for expecting ??

 

OK i feel a lil better thanks ..

 

rant over

 

maryoosa

Talk talk talk talk talk. That's the only thing that helps. At least make sure she hears your frustration and see if you can work on something different so that you don't feel resentful about her not pulling her weight.

clairmeij

Its a tough one. One of the things my partner and I have both had to work at is to talk about this kind of stuff. Its so easy to let your unspoken expectations cause resentment when they aren't met. Things really improved for us when we were able to give those frustrations a voice.
I hope it gets better for you.

2brides

We go through this a lot. L is away for work/school and I think she should pick up more slack when she is home, but she is exhausted from work/school. She also rarely wakes during the night (not that ours wake that often, but recently with Carter's illness I was the one waking with him multiple times a night.) It burns my a$$, but she doesn't hear them (never has) and if I don't wake her, I guess I can't fault her for not getting up (though it doesn't stop me from thinking nasty thoughts!)

My experience is that I have all of these expectations/desires in my head and think that she should just know what I am thinking/expecting/wanting her to do (because after all, isn't that the considerate thing to do!?!?) When I get exasperated and blow up, she has no idea what I've been thinking and is frustrated that I've been living/fuming in my head. I am working on asking for what I need though it is a work in progress.

Meegs10.13.06

Definitely talk talk talk it out. But make sure you speak without blaming or accusing. Trav and I had to talk it out a lot, but very early on we determined that it was a lot easier if I did the night wakings and then he would let me sleep in on the weekends.

I also figured out that if I was home all day with the babe while he was out doing something, when he got home I would say, take 30 minutes to relax and wind down, but then I need you to take Gwen for a bit. Sometimes just asking them to step up, but with that little bit of give from you first, really helps to keep everyone from getting too frustrated.

2moms2twins

Thanks every one so helpful ... lets face it I am a definite talker ...  but i think M is so chillaxed that sometimes it just does not phase her.  things that are important to me  are not as import to her.. ( i.e when done with car keys always place them in their spot  so if god forbid we (i or you ) need them in a hurry or emergent situation they are there... too hard for her... she has been driving around with out a lic for a week or so - what 38 year old looses their lic ... she will go to a store  get groceries but come home because she forgot her ATM .. DRIVE ME NUTS... i explain how I think its imprt but she does not seem to think its as big a deal ...

anyhow the dust has settled sort of she knew i was upset so she cleans and bakes.... and i appreciate it  but it not always the resolution .. 

i will work on talking more - moreover expressing my feelings .... and expectations ..

 

hlke

2moms2twins:

Thanks every one so helpful ... lets face it I am a definite talker ...  but i think M is so chillaxed that sometimes it just does not phase her.  things that are important to me  are not as import to her.. ( i.e when done with car keys always place them in their spot  so if god forbid we (i or you ) need them in a hurry or emergent situation they are there... too hard for her... she has been driving around with out a lic for a week or so - what 38 year old looses their lic ... she will go to a store  get groceries but come home because she forgot her ATM .. DRIVE ME NUTS... i explain how I think its imprt but she does not seem to think its as big a deal ...

anyhow the dust has settled sort of she knew i was upset so she cleans and bakes.... and i appreciate it  but it not always the resolution .. 

i will work on talking more - moreover expressing my feelings .... and expectations .. 

Are you married to my wife?  I try to remember that the absent minded thing used to be endearing (we call it "loosely tethered to reality") and to not sweat the small stuff.  But it's also important to me to know that when I do decide to push on something that is important to me, she tries to work on it.  For example - the car keys thing.  It doesn't matter much to me if she is constantly losing her keys, but when she kept taking my keys because her keys were lost, I drew the line.  Now she has a hook inside the door for her car keys AND a spare set of keys so she won't take mine.

It takes work on both our parts.  She's super absent minded and I'm not the greatest at getting housework done, and as long as we're both trying we try not to get too upset about it.  I imagine it's hard with the kids too...more responsibilities means both of you having to take on more.

pbl2011

hlke:

2moms2twins:

Thanks every one so helpful ... lets face it I am a definite talker ...  but i think M is so chillaxed that sometimes it just does not phase her.  things that are important to me  are not as import to her.. ( i.e when done with car keys always place them in their spot  so if god forbid we (i or you ) need them in a hurry or emergent situation they are there... too hard for her... she has been driving around with out a lic for a week or so - what 38 year old looses their lic ... she will go to a store  get groceries but come home because she forgot her ATM .. DRIVE ME NUTS... i explain how I think its imprt but she does not seem to think its as big a deal ...

anyhow the dust has settled sort of she knew i was upset so she cleans and bakes.... and i appreciate it  but it not always the resolution .. 

i will work on talking more - moreover expressing my feelings .... and expectations .. 

Are you married to my wife?  I try to remember that the absent minded thing used to be endearing (we call it "loosely tethered to reality") and to not sweat the small stuff.  But it's also important to me to know that when I do decide to push on something that is important to me, she tries to work on it.  For example - the car keys thing.  It doesn't matter much to me if she is constantly losing her keys, but when she kept taking my keys because her keys were lost, I drew the line.  Now she has a hook inside the door for her car keys AND a spare set of keys so she won't take mine.

It takes work on both our parts.  She's super absent minded and I'm not the greatest at getting housework done, and as long as we're both trying we try not to get too upset about it.  I imagine it's hard with the kids too...more responsibilities means both of you having to take on more.

 thank you both for sharing all of this! i feel like i've been stuck in the same rut, and the past 24-48 hours has had me reeling even more. being home with P all day (something very new and strange to me as i was always more of the worker bee) has made these issues multiply as i spend the entire day wrestling with a feisty 1 year old trying to figure this parenting thing out, doing as much cleaning and organizing as i can, and between coming home and leaving for work the next day D seems to unravel it all and then skips out on the aftermath. how much more can i talk about it? i feel like by being clueless about the inner workings of the house, i become housewife by default - of course we're both trying, but... do i need a "chore wheel" on the fridge, i mean our dorm days are over lol

2moms2twins

pbl2011:

hlke:

2moms2twins:

Thanks every one so helpful ... lets face it I am a definite talker ...  but i think M is so chillaxed that sometimes it just does not phase her.  things that are important to me  are not as import to her.. ( i.e when done with car keys always place them in their spot  so if god forbid we (i or you ) need them in a hurry or emergent situation they are there... too hard for her... she has been driving around with out a lic for a week or so - what 38 year old looses their lic ... she will go to a store  get groceries but come home because she forgot her ATM .. DRIVE ME NUTS... i explain how I think its imprt but she does not seem to think its as big a deal ...

anyhow the dust has settled sort of she knew i was upset so she cleans and bakes.... and i appreciate it  but it not always the resolution .. 

i will work on talking more - moreover expressing my feelings .... and expectations .. 

Are you married to my wife?  I try to remember that the absent minded thing used to be endearing (we call it "loosely tethered to reality") and to not sweat the small stuff.  But it's also important to me to know that when I do decide to push on something that is important to me, she tries to work on it.  For example - the car keys thing.  It doesn't matter much to me if she is constantly losing her keys, but when she kept taking my keys because her keys were lost, I drew the line.  Now she has a hook inside the door for her car keys AND a spare set of keys so she won't take mine.

It takes work on both our parts.  She's super absent minded and I'm not the greatest at getting housework done, and as long as we're both trying we try not to get too upset about it.  I imagine it's hard with the kids too...more responsibilities means both of you having to take on more.

 thank you both for sharing all of this! i feel like i've been stuck in the same rut, and the past 24-48 hours has had me reeling even more. being home with P all day (something very new and strange to me as i was always more of the worker bee) has made these issues multiply as i spend the entire day wrestling with a feisty 1 year old trying to figure this parenting thing out, doing as much cleaning and organizing as i can, and between coming home and leaving for work the next day D seems to unravel it all and then skips out on the aftermath. how much more can i talk about it? i feel like by being clueless about the inner workings of the house, i become housewife by default - of course we're both trying, but... do i need a "chore wheel" on the fridge, i mean our dorm days are over lol

ahahahah DORM DAYS i say that all the time... we have toddlers in a dorm  sans the pizza boxes... ack its tough balancing act for sure... 

all of the sudden being a mom has triggered things in me that i am so passionate about.    I mean a part time fatalist but full time realist - if there is an emergency i like to know we will be ok and M just is not on that page ... why drive around the ghettto looking for a gas station ... just make sure the car is always full ... and i feel like a big ass nag ( AND I AM ) and i hate that.