advice about loss

kissmii

sorry to bug you guys with this and it might not be the type of news you'd like to hear right now but i just needed some advice and i already scanned through the loss/miscarriage board and i didn't want to intrude since technically, i'm not the one with the loss..

anyway. well my cousin just lost her baby, she was supposedly due this october and they'll be having a mass tomorrow and i'm just a bit torn on if i should go or not. my sister and i are her only immediate family here but you know.. i don't want to upset her more by showing up all.. pregnant. what do you guys think? 

ladybugsmum

To be honest, if I was in her position, I think I would be more upset if someone close to me didn't show up at all. I can definitely understand where you are coming from though. But, she really needs the support of her loved ones.

CnAnA

::lurking from October 2012::

First off, I am so sorry for your family's loss.    Second, honestly, I'd ask her.  If I were in her spot, I'd definitely want you there, but everyone grieves differently.  When I had my loss (granted, it was a very early loss, so not exactly the same thing) I wanted loved ones around me, even if they were pregnant.  Random pregnant women were a different story though.

As a guest, I would try to find something that does not accent your bump though.  I know it's hard to hide, but don't wear the shirt that makes you look like you're ready to pop any day, ya know? 

ni077169

Personally the last thing that I would want to see is another pregnant lady, but ask her. You're family, she may feel differently. 

kissmii

mrs.ike:

::lurking from October 2012::

First off, I am so sorry for your family's loss.    Second, honestly, I'd ask her.  If I were in her spot, I'd definitely want you there, but everyone grieves differently.  When I had my loss (granted, it was a very early loss, so not exactly the same thing) I wanted loved ones around me, even if they were pregnant.  Random pregnant women were a different story though.

As a guest, I would try to find something that does not accent your bump though.  I know it's hard to hide, but don't wear the shirt that makes you look like you're ready to pop any day, ya know? 

i was kinda thinking this too, maybe i'll go and just not show it off.

whew. this is a really tough decision for me, and thanks for the insight! 

keiral

mrs.ike:

::lurking from October 2012::

First off, I am so sorry for your family's loss.    Second, honestly, I'd ask her.  If I were in her spot, I'd definitely want you there, but everyone grieves differently.  When I had my loss (granted, it was a very early loss, so not exactly the same thing) I wanted loved ones around me, even if they were pregnant.  Random pregnant women were a different story though.

As a guest, I would try to find something that does not accent your bump though.  I know it's hard to hide, but don't wear the shirt that makes you look like you're ready to pop any day, ya know? 

This.  I'm so sorry!! 

I think it's important to be supportive, in any way that she needs.. pregnant or not. I would think that not going would be a bad move.. but that's just IMO.

 

angelacarmen

I think if you're close with her, you should go.  It's incredibly sensitive and nice of you to be thinking about this, btw.  I had a friend who lost at 33 weeks and a close friend of hers who was very pregnant with twins helped organise the funeral invites and was present.  I agree with PP that random pregnant people were difficult to deal with, but close friends I wanted around whether they were pregnant or not.

I'm so sorry for your and your cousin's loss.

SoCoGirl

mrs.ike:

::lurking from October 2012::

First off, I am so sorry for your family's loss.    Second, honestly, I'd ask her.  If I were in her spot, I'd definitely want you there, but everyone grieves differently.  When I had my loss (granted, it was a very early loss, so not exactly the same thing) I wanted loved ones around me, even if they were pregnant.  Random pregnant women were a different story though.

As a guest, I would try to find something that does not accent your bump though.  I know it's hard to hide, but don't wear the shirt that makes you look like you're ready to pop any day, ya know? 

This. Just talk to her and see what she wants, but don't let yourself get offended if seeing you is hard for her. 

I, personally, would want  my family to be there to say good bye to my baby.  It is really great that you care about her feelings- she is lucky to have you. 

emily122685

I'm so sorry for your family's loss.

When I was four months along I attended a funeral on DH's side for an 18 month old. It was the worst thing I've ever attended. Emotions run so high and every time I thought about excusing myself I only felt more abysmal. Thinking about it now, if I would have been as far along as I am now, I would not have been able to take it.

I don't think you'd be a bad person for not attending, but I understand the family side of things and you feeling and wanting to be there for her. Especially being pregnant yourself, it'll effect you differently and maybe that's something your cousin would appriciate about you being there.
If you're not very close, maybe you could ask you aunt about her thoughts on you being there all or part of the time, or maybe your mom or dad dependeing on which side it is?

Jena503

Oh, how horrible for your cousin, I'm so sorry she had a stillbirth.