Struggling

LeannFran

Today marks a week that we learned our little one wouldn't be holding our hands on this earth... I have been really strong and positive this week but today it hit me. I'm really a lot more human than I'd like to imagine I am. I have been running on fumes this week, for my sanity and my kids sake ( I teach second grade). Yesterday I bled way too much for being at work and cramped a lot too. My father is a doctor and he always raised me to be tough, unfortunately I think somewhere along the lines I blurred being tough and being stubborn. Today has been much better physically but I am just kind of crumpling under the pressures of work and being a good wife. I feel the guilt of not having the energy to do house work or clean the way I'd like to. My husband has been beyond understanding and is just trying to adjust with me as my mood has been rather melancholy (very opposite than my usual effervescent self). This is really just a vent and I'm sure my hormones are just playing around like idiots lol I will blame my feelings on them too... Anyone else experiencing this sudden shift? I'm really just curious as to how you're all coping. Im just a whirlwind of emotions right now.

ILoveRedVino

I think the whirlwind of emotions is hard in itself.  You go from terribly sad, to angry, frustrated, lonely, etc -- and all of those strong emotions are a lot to handle.

Today is three weeks for me, so I'm just a bit ahead of you.  I noticed that the days that were tough physically tended to be a little more tolerable mentally.  Maybe the physical part was a distraction?

Give yourself some time.  It is ok to grieve, however you need to, and on whatever timeline works.  Don't beat yourself up about being productive at home, and know that even the toughest people need to be weak sometimes.  It is ok.  It'd be abnormal not to be weak.  And while things get better in time, it isn't like every day is a bit better than the day before.  Some days may seem ok, and then the next day feels like a bomb went off in your head.  You aren't moving backwards -- it just isn't a straight line from sad to happy again.

medblais

For the first week after my daughter died, we had people all around us and they kept me totally distracted. It didn't REALLY hit me until everyone else was gone and it was just MH and I when there should have been 3. Once I returned to work, I was able to totally focus on work (I also taught) when I was there, but often cried the whole way to work or home or both. Try not to be hard on yourself about the housework/wife duties. Your world has been shaken, and with it you and your husband will change; perspectives shift and reorganize, and you will need to adjust to each other because you will grieve differently. After our loss, I couldn't care less about cleaning the house as obsessively as I used to. In the scheme of things, it just didn't seem to matter as much any more. MH became less of a workaholic, and puts more effort into trying to spend some time at home. Just be kind to yourself, and let yourself feel how you feel that day, without judgement.

 

JabberJay

My heart goes out to you! A week postpartum seems so early to be back at work. I hope you are comfortable taking more time off if you need it!

Hugs be gentle with yourself

JenOSU03

Big hugs to you! I can relate to your post but it has been 7 weeks since we were forced to say goodbye to our little boy. I feel incredibly guilty because I do not have the energy I normally have to teach my K students. I cry on the way to work most days and literally ran out of fuel all together this past week. 

LeannFran

Thanks ladies. These past five days have been a roller coaster. I was OK then we had a family birthday party for my niece. This was the first time I saw my siblings and nieces and nephews...it was so hard emotionally. My sister hugged me and I just broke down. I didn't want the little ones to see me upset so I hid until I could get myself under control. I hope it gets easier but we keep managing to run into friends who just had little ones. Not to mention that we have been saying for years that this fall we would like to start trying. I hope I can keep it together long enough to smile and just say "yes, we're trying"... Again thank you for your kind words.