Treating your multiples as individuals...

Ourfamilyof5

I just read the advice that sammyslick left below (good advice, btw!) and it reminded me of an email I got from another MoM in which, among many other great pieces of advice, she reminded me to treat my babies as individuals because they are two separate people. Her example was to not give both babies Tylenol if only one is showing signs of a cold. While I think the reminder is a good one, it kind of made me scratch my head for a second because it's never occurred to me to treat my babies as anything but 2 separate people. My twins are not here yet so perhaps I'm naive on this...maybe treating them as individuals will be harder than I think. 

So for those who are already MoMs, I'm truly just curious...is treating them as individuals a hard concept or something you have to remind yourself to do?  

Edited for title change (accidentally wrote twins instead of multiples). 

Rynleigh

There are a lot of people out there who put their kids in the same outfits, give them shared birthday parties, put their kids in the same classes at school, sign them up for the same extra-curricular activities, get them the same gifts, always refer to them as "the twins" instead of by their names, etc etc 

It's not like anyone forgets that they have two separate kids... but whether it be out of habit, for simplicity, or completely unintentional, a lot of twins miss out on a lot of the individuality and independent experiences that singletons take for granted.

pea-kay

Rynleigh:

There are a lot of people out there who put their kids in the same outfits, give them shared birthday parties, put their kids in the same classes at school, sign them up for the same extra-curricular activities, get them the same gifts, always refer to them as "the twins" instead of by their names, etc etc 

It's not like anyone forgets that they have two separate kids... but whether it be out of habit, for simplicity, or completely unintentional, a lot of twins miss out on a lot of the individuality and independent experiences that singletons take for granted.

 I'd say that mindset is not as common as you might think. Every MoM I know (and I know a lot) goes out of her way to treat her kids as individuals. It's one of the main stressors I've heard among MoMs, esp ones of same sex and ID multiples. It's more of an issue with friends/other family members that are "lumping" multiples together.

  

E&RMommy

Agreed with pea-kay.  It's not the parents; it's other people.

Our kids are only two years old and I can say that many gifts have arleady been shared.

To us, they are T and E.  Plain and simple.  Two separate people.  Two very different personalities.  Siblings who happen to have the same age.

The rest of the world calls them "the twins" even though we do not.  Oh well.  They will grow up being their own people.  It's really not anything worth losing sleep over IMO. 

trish3905

My girls have such different personalities, it is a no-brainer to treat them as individuals.  I dress them in different outfits, they are drawn to different toys/stuffed animals/blankets, they have different temperaments (shy vs. outgoing), and they like different foods (fun!).  Even as newborns, they had different sleep patterns.  

 I can't speak to the Tylenol example in your post, because in my experience, when one gets sick, the other inevitably gets sick within a day or two. 

Clearly mine are fraternal, maybe that makes a difference  

turtle_1278

Mine are only 8 months old but we already try to do what we can to make sure they are treated as individuals.  Do I dress them alike?  Yes, but as they get older I don't plan on that (unless they so choose) and I try to get them the same outfit in different colors as much as possible.  My husband and I even try to take them out by themselves when we can.  Even if it's a quick trip to Target.  We have already had to explain to people (family) that they are 2 people so at birthdays and holidays please treat them as such (to make matters worse, their bday is 3 days before Christmas, mine is the day after so I totally know all about the combo gift!).  We took our son to Disney this summer and decided that every year each child will get their own day with mommy and daddy (his was an overnight, they may not all be but we will do our best). 

 They are completely different personalities.  One is busy and a little high maintenance, the other is in no hurry and totally laid back.  From the very beginning they made sure we knew that they are different and DH and I (and big bro too) try our hardest to make sure we treat them that way!

 

ColleenS629

pea-kay:

Rynleigh:

There are a lot of people out there who put their kids in the same outfits, give them shared birthday parties, put their kids in the same classes at school, sign them up for the same extra-curricular activities, get them the same gifts, always refer to them as "the twins" instead of by their names, etc etc 

It's not like anyone forgets that they have two separate kids... but whether it be out of habit, for simplicity, or completely unintentional, a lot of twins miss out on a lot of the individuality and independent experiences that singletons take for granted.

 I'd say that mindset is not as common as you might think. Every MoM I know (and I know a lot) goes out of her way to treat her kids as individuals. It's one of the main stressors I've heard among MoMs, esp ones of same sex and ID multiples. It's more of an issue with friends/other family members that are "lumping" multiples together.

  

Yup. This. 

keg

trish3905:

My girls have such different personalities, it is a no-brainer to treat them as individuals.  I dress them in different outfits, they are drawn to different toys/stuffed animals/blankets, they have different temperaments (shy vs. outgoing), and they like different foods (fun!).  Even as newborns, they had different sleep patterns.  

 I can't speak to the Tylenol example in your post, because in my experience, when one gets sick, the other inevitably gets sick within a day or two. 

Clearly mine are fraternal, maybe that makes a difference  

Ditto this, except my girls pick out very different clothes. :-)  They have had incredibly different personalities from the beginning so it's not something I have to worry about.  Often, meds get given to both now because if one gets it, the other wants some.  Sometimes it's real medicine, and sometimes it's just a little juice in a syringe or a spoonful of honey.

macchiatto

I agree with peakay. I was very mindful of it all along and most MoMs I know are too. I've come across a few exceptions but it's not that common. It's definitely more of an issue with other people and I think especially if the multiples are ID or similar-looking fraternals. For us it hasn't been as much of an issue since they were about 1 and their differences finally became more obvious to other people. My boys are quite different in looks and personality; people often comment on that after spending a few minutes with them and I think from that point they tend to remember their names and a few of their obvious traits or preferences.

mirnb

I have to admit to wanting to give one tylenol when I gave it to the other when they were younger haha T was sick and I wasn't sure if D was too so I felt like I should give it to both...but I didnt haha   

I agree that its other people you need to watch out for lumping them together....it annoys me to no end when people refer to them as "the twins"  . We haven't had the first birthday yet but I'm sure there will be shared gifts....ugh....that won't be fun to explain as they get older!

shaket83

We dress the boys different, try our best to take them out individually when we have a chance, and intend to have them try out different sport/classes ect. Basically everything everyone else said. BUT, I was wondering about the birthday party thing. We have a lot of time to think about it I guess, but do people usually do separate B-day parties for their multiples?  

Kb103109

My girls are just about 9 months old, but we try to keep the as individual as possible.  They are without a doubt two different people because their personalities are so different.   Sometimes I do dress them the same, for a special occasion or something.  I agree with pp that it is more other people the lump them together as the twins or the girls.  

Jen0204

Everyone calls them "the twins" or "the girls" but very few people other then H and I refer to them by name when talking to us.  I think with ID twins especially it can be hard for other people to see them as separate people because the look so alike.  My dad and brother still can't even tell them apart!  I'm hoping that as they get older and their personalities emerge that other people, especially family and close friends, will start to look at them as different people. Even with fraternal twins it can be hard - my friend's twins look nothing alike but I see them so infrequently that I always need to be reminded of who is who.  I try to keep them straight but I'm not too good at it yet.

When I was on maternity leave if I ran to the grocery store or some other errand and H was home I always took one with me.  I do the same now if I go somewhere by myself, but because of our schedules we're usually all together on the weekends and there's no time to run errands at night during the week while they're awake.  But I've also told H that when they get older I'd like to have one day a month where we each spend a day doing something alone with one of the girls and the next month we'll switch kids so that they each get some alone time with us.  I definitely agree with others that most MoMs are very conscious of this and don't lump them together, but others tend to.

Rynleigh

I didn't mean to offend anyone, and to be fair, most of the parents in these forums care a lot more about their children than many more "average" parents out there. I knew many sets of twins, growing up, who were always very bothered and upset that their parents forced them to do the same sports, same classes, etc, who's parents always got them the exact same things even when they were interested in different stuff, who always forced them to do an activity if their "twin" was doing it, etc. It was especially bad with the three sets I knew in elementary school, but it still common in high school! I can't imagine how parents can make a life-long mistake like that. 

Just because we have some awesome parents here who really do the best they can for their children doesn't mean that they are the majority.  

Jen0204

Rynleigh, I think that most of the women on this board are the type who seek out more information and resources to try to be better parents.  I'm not saying that women not on forums aren't good parents by any means, but I just get the impression that women on these boards and more educated and involved then the average parent, so I do agree with you that what we see on here probably isn't representative of the majority.  But a lot of women on here seem to be good examples of parents that are definitely great to take advice from!

macchiatto

Rynleigh, I don't think you offended anyone; we're each just sharing our opinions and experiences. I think it's partly that yes, women on TB are a little different from a random sampling of parents, but I think it's largely a generational thing as well; in many ways we parent differently than our parents did. Most of us know a lot of MoMs and adult multiples IRL too so our opinions are based on them as well as just fellow Bumpies. The whole idea of emphasizing the importance of treating twins as individuals is a lot more prevalent now than it was 20-30+ years ago, which fits in with other shifts in culture and parenting trends. There's been a growing emphasis on the psychological aspects of parenting (and other aspects of life) in recent decades.

pea-kay

Rynleigh:

I didn't mean to offend anyone, and to be fair, most of the parents in these forums care a lot more about their children than many more "average" parents out there. I knew many sets of twins, growing up, who were always very bothered and upset that their parents forced them to do the same sports, same classes, etc, who's parents always got them the exact same things even when they were interested in different stuff, who always forced them to do an activity if their "twin" was doing it, etc. It was especially bad with the three sets I knew in elementary school, but it still common in high school! I can't imagine how parents can make a life-long mistake like that. 

Just because we have some awesome parents here who really do the best they can for their children doesn't mean that they are the majority.  

 

No offense taken, just observing what reality is nowadays. Not all of my MoM friends are online, not by a long shot. I wonder if things are just different now than they were 25+ years ago. Certainly parenting styles evolve over time.  

hunt2005

Rynleigh:

I didn't mean to offend anyone, and to be fair, most of the parents in these forums care a lot more about their children than many more "average" parents out there. I knew many sets of twins, growing up, who were always very bothered and upset that their parents forced them to do the same sports, same classes, etc, who's parents always got them the exact same things even when they were interested in different stuff, who always forced them to do an activity if their "twin" was doing it, etc. It was especially bad with the three sets I knew in elementary school, but it still common in high school! I can't imagine how parents can make a life-long mistake like that. 

Just because we have some awesome parents here who really do the best they can for their children doesn't mean that they are the majority.  

Honestly? My kids will (pray to God) be in the same sports once they choose their favorites, and until then I'll be picking one thing for all four of my kids to do. Not because I love one of them less, or that I want them to be seen as a three headed entity, but because logistically I cannot drive four kids to four different sports in one week. So they'll go to the same school, and be in the same classroom for at least a while so I only have one set of parent-teacher conferences to go to, one set of field trips/holidays to worry about, etc. They'll be in the same sports. I don't dress them identically most days, but they do coordinate, but that's because I don't want one kid to feel like they got the outfit of shame that day. When they're old enough to have a say, I'll listen, but until they can drive themselves there will always be logistic concerns.

macchiatto

Hunt, I hear you. I don't think all of the examples listed mean you're not treating them as individuals. I just try to follow the rule of thumb for the most part of treating them how I would if they were singleton siblings (while obviously respecting the fact that they are the same age and that as multiples who are used to always having each other, they may do better together when they are younger ). I do have one very athletic child and one with gross motor delays so their extracurriculars may diverge before too long--we also have only the two kids, so that's easier--but this summer they were in My Gym classes together and loved it. Also, with having them in the same classrooms, I've done a good bit of research on that and I think that decision has to be made on a case by case basis. Some multiples do better in the same classroom, some in separate; there are a lot of factors to consider. I've posted some research and links on that recently. Based on the research and my boys' relationship and how they've done in preschool so far, we plan to keep them together until they ask to be separated, though that may change as things evolve.

ams8099

ColleenS629:

pea-kay:

Rynleigh:

There are a lot of people out there who put their kids in the same outfits, give them shared birthday parties, put their kids in the same classes at school, sign them up for the same extra-curricular activities, get them the same gifts, always refer to them as "the twins" instead of by their names, etc etc 

It's not like anyone forgets that they have two separate kids... but whether it be out of habit, for simplicity, or completely unintentional, a lot of twins miss out on a lot of the individuality and independent experiences that singletons take for granted.

 I'd say that mindset is not as common as you might think. Every MoM I know (and I know a lot) goes out of her way to treat her kids as individuals. It's one of the main stressors I've heard among MoMs, esp ones of same sex and ID multiples. It's more of an issue with friends/other family members that are "lumping" multiples together.

  

Yup. This. 

Same here 

kiwi443

I gave it a lot of thought during my pregnancy, esp. after I found out they were mono-di. I read several books (Emotionally Healthy Twins is a great one).

But, I'll admit it, now that they're here it's harder than I thought it would be. Logistically, I need to keep them on the same eating and sleeping schedule. That means during the average day, I don't spend much time with them individually. As they are getting older, I'm seeing a few personality differences, but they are quite similar.

Recently, I started taking one baby with me if I run any kind of errand when DH is home. It has been wonderful. I feel like I can bond with that baby and she gets attention/compliments just for being herself, not part of a package.

lmydogally

I'm gonna get a little Debbie downer, so bare with me.  My little sisters were/are indentical twins.  Sure my mom dressed them alike when they were little, but hey, she dressed us all alike.  It was the extended family/friends that were the issue.  They only ever referred to them as the twins and then they did the worst thing you can do to a twin. They started comparing them to one another.  Then it became "your the smart twin and you the party girl twin". That started when they were just in junior High.  My sisters wanting to be their own people hung on to these identities.  So one studied and the other became that party girl everyone told her she was.  Teachers were the worst of all in comparing them.  In the end, my "party twin" sister died because she did just that.  Partied all the time and got drunk and got in the wrong car with another drunk.  She was the sweetest person ever and maybe if teachers, family, friend had told her she was also the smart twin, she would still be here today.  Or maybe she would have still died but she would have thought of herself as more while she was still here.  

I never refer to my girls as the twins.  It just feels uncomfortable to me.  Also, not surprisingly the first time I took them to a family event people immediately began to compare them to eachother.  Saying my Nora was the one who cries and my Brooke was the good one.  My little sister (the surviving twin) was fuming.  So I will be sure to put a stop to anyone who tries to compare the girls.   

macchiatto

lmydogally, that is heart-breaking. I'm so sorry to hear that. It's a good point that pigeon-holing them is something we need to watch out for as much as lumping them together. I try to be mindful of that as well. People do often try to say things like "Oh, so  he's the friendly one?" or "He's the talkative one" or "He's the athletic one" and I think it's important to find ways to talk about them as individuals without constantly comparing or putting them in a box.

amanda31H

hunt2005:

Rynleigh:

I didn't mean to offend anyone, and to be fair, most of the parents in these forums care a lot more about their children than many more "average" parents out there. I knew many sets of twins, growing up, who were always very bothered and upset that their parents forced them to do the same sports, same classes, etc, who's parents always got them the exact same things even when they were interested in different stuff, who always forced them to do an activity if their "twin" was doing it, etc. It was especially bad with the three sets I knew in elementary school, but it still common in high school! I can't imagine how parents can make a life-long mistake like that. 

Just because we have some awesome parents here who really do the best they can for their children doesn't mean that they are the majority.  

Honestly? My kids will (pray to God) be in the same sports once they choose their favorites, and until then I'll be picking one thing for all four of my kids to do. Not because I love one of them less, or that I want them to be seen as a three headed entity, but because logistically I cannot drive four kids to four different sports in one week. So they'll go to the same school, and be in the same classroom for at least a while so I only have one set of parent-teacher conferences to go to, one set of field trips/holidays to worry about, etc. They'll be in the same sports. I don't dress them identically most days, but they do coordinate, but that's because I don't want one kid to feel like they got the outfit of shame that day. When they're old enough to have a say, I'll listen, but until they can drive themselves there will always be logistic concerns.

OMG - Amen to that!

I also know quite a few parents of twins and I don't see them lumping them together at all.  I agree with peakay

 

kiwi443

lmydogally:

I'm gonna get a little Debbie downer, so bare with me.  My little sisters were/are indentical twins.  Sure my mom dressed them alike when they were little, but hey, she dressed us all alike.  It was the extended family/friends that were the issue.  They only ever referred to them as the twins and then they did the worst thing you can do to a twin. They started comparing them to one another.  Then it became "your the smart twin and you the party girl twin". That started when they were just in junior High.  My sisters wanting to be their own people hung on to these identities.  So one studied and the other became that party girl everyone told her she was.  Teachers were the worst of all in comparing them.  In the end, my "party twin" sister died because she did just that.  Partied all the time and got drunk and got in the wrong car with another drunk.  She was the sweetest person ever and maybe if teachers, family, friend had told her she was also the smart twin, she would still be here today.  Or maybe she would have still died but she would have thought of herself as more while she was still here.  

I never refer to my girls as the twins.  It just feels uncomfortable to me.  Also, not surprisingly the first time I took them to a family event people immediately began to compare them to eachother.  Saying my Nora was the one who cries and my Brooke was the good one.  My little sister (the surviving twin) was fuming.  So I will be sure to put a stop to anyone who tries to compare the girls.   

That is awful . I'm so sorry for your loss.