Your SO is a full time dad. That means that you are put into a parenting position full time. No, you shouldn't try to be a replacement mother, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't parent. It is detrimental to children when the main adults in their lives try to be their friends. Children do not need their parents to be friends and they don't need their stepparents to be friends either. Children need rules and boundaries and discipline. They need it to be consistent. You enforcing the house rules while maintaining a loving, open relationship with SO's daughter is not you trying to be her mother, it is you being the adult. And loving her as if she is your own daughter is also not the equivalent of trying to be her mother.
I would suggest some type of family counseling (or the counselor you talked with before you moved in ) in order for SO to realize that what he is doing is hurting his daughter. Honestly, I wouldn't marry him until this situation is resolved.
All of this. I think counseling is a great idea. Also, Grandma had a good point that you could be out of S's life at any point. I don't think she was saying it to be mean, I think she was just pointing out that right now you are simply GF, not SM. Maybe Grandma is worried you will leave her and then she will have a what sounds like deadbeat BM, and then an absent GF. Maybe Grandma is worried that S will see her dad go from GF to GF. I know you said you and your SO are talking marriage. I think counseling would be a great way to decide if marriage is what is right for you and your SO. The OP's are right - you have a great opportunity to see what type of father this man is, don't waste it. Know that you cannot change your man, only yourself.
It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and only want what is best. Best of luck.
Thank you all for the incredible amount of support you have shown me. Getting strangers' impartial opinions made me feel like maybe I wasn't crazy after all! SO and I have talked about this, and about the anxiety I have about what is in our future. I know G'ma has been having a hard time, since there were a couple of deaths this summer that she has been struggling with. She also invested a lot, emotionally and financially, in SO and BM's marriage/divorce, so I can imagine that she has some anxiety around that, too. So, while she was out of line in saying some of the things she did, maybe I shouldn't have taken them so much to heart.
SO and I have talked about this a lot since I moved in (my parenting style and his) and I think that there has been a big change in S since she started "real" school, and since he started working out of the home (He and S spent almost ALL of their time together until she started school and he got another job, and just a few months after that he and I met). I feel reassured that he doesn't agree with his mother, and he recognizes the problems around S's behavior and is working on how to confront them.
We have ordered a few parenting books, and talked with the counselor, who suggested that some of S's behavior has to do with her being gifted, and her need for constant stimulation. The counselor has been wonderful and I think we have the tools to move forward in a positive way.
StarfishStamp
member
Re: (Untitled)
All of this. I think counseling is a great idea. Also, Grandma had a good point that you could be out of S's life at any point. I don't think she was saying it to be mean, I think she was just pointing out that right now you are simply GF, not SM. Maybe Grandma is worried you will leave her and then she will have a what sounds like deadbeat BM, and then an absent GF. Maybe Grandma is worried that S will see her dad go from GF to GF. I know you said you and your SO are talking marriage. I think counseling would be a great way to decide if marriage is what is right for you and your SO. The OP's are right - you have a great opportunity to see what type of father this man is, don't waste it. Know that you cannot change your man, only yourself.
It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and only want what is best. Best of luck.
Thank you all for the incredible amount of support you have shown me. Getting strangers' impartial opinions made me feel like maybe I wasn't crazy after all!
SO and I have talked about this, and about the anxiety I have about what is in our future. I know G'ma has been having a hard time, since there were a couple of deaths this summer that she has been struggling with. She also invested a lot, emotionally and financially, in SO and BM's marriage/divorce, so I can imagine that she has some anxiety around that, too. So, while she was out of line in saying some of the things she did, maybe I shouldn't have taken them so much to heart.
SO and I have talked about this a lot since I moved in (my parenting style and his) and I think that there has been a big change in S since she started "real" school, and since he started working out of the home (He and S spent almost ALL of their time together until she started school and he got another job, and just a few months after that he and I met). I feel reassured that he doesn't agree with his mother, and he recognizes the problems around S's behavior and is working on how to confront them.
We have ordered a few parenting books, and talked with the counselor, who suggested that some of S's behavior has to do with her being gifted, and her need for constant stimulation. The counselor has been wonderful and I think we have the tools to move forward in a positive way.