Handling the questions without getting defensive
CFjo2010
member
Once K started Kinder last year, the questions from other parents began. Moms would ask me why they were needing to have K over for play-dates after school while BM claimed she was working when I could just as easily pick K up and take her home. They would inquire about things K said while at their house playing (the most common issue was K sharing a room and bed with BM). Whenever BM pitched a fit about something involving me or my husband the parents would ask what was going on. It?s not as though these parents were strangers to me, I talk to most of them outside of school. We?re more than just acquaintances.
I?m pretty diligent about being as diplomatic as possible and responding with, "I don?t really have an answer for that, you would need to ask BM", but I?ll admit at times I feel defensive. For example, when the questions started this week about K?s backpack. One of the moms who I spend quite a bit of time with asked what was going on with K and the tattered backpack (K was visibly upset at school about it) and right then my daughter comes running up with a brand new backpack and new shoes. I felt like I needed to defend that my husband and I do as much for K as we do for my kids, regardless of what BM is trying to say/illustrate. And this seems to happen a lot, especially with me being so involved in the girls? school and chairing a lot of the PTA events. Parents and staff members see my daughter with new/clean clothes that fit properly and are free of tears/stains, while K will wearing what I call BM's "woe-is-me" clothes and looks like a mess despite the new clothes and shoes we know K has. My daughter is always on time with her hair done and she's eaten breakfast, whereas K is showing up either right before the bell rings or is a few minutes late and looks like she literally rolled out of bed and hopped in the car. The difference between them is glaring. When we bring K to school, she's a totally different kid and is on par with my daughter as far as being groomed, prepared and timely.
Do any other SM?s get this a lot? If so, how do you handle the questions in a way that keeps the peace and doesn?t paint anyone in a bad light? I don't want to get into a debate about parenting styles, I just want to know how I can be diplomatic and still dispel what image BM is trying to sell of us without being a total witch to these parents who are just trying to figure out what the heck is going on with this 6 year old.
Re: Handling the questions without getting defensive
If you are active in the PTA and are visible around the school then the teachers and parents know you. They know your children. You just have to give them enough credit to not be thinking that you are the wicked stepmother denying K things. I'm also assuming that at least a handful of these people have been exposed to K's mom at one point or another. Just b/c they don't have details doesn't mean the big picture is blurry. When they ask these questions it isn't b/c they're trying to guage which one of you is the culprit, it's b/c they want the details. Maybe they're even trying to help you vent. It's sad but true that women tend to bond through gossip & sometimes that includes bashing other women. I know it's hard, and at times it's embarrassing, but it will get better.
I know how you are feeling in this b/c BD has made calls/emails/visits to most of the adults at DS's school, doctor, daycare, extracurricular activities in which he disparages me and talks about my "issues" and how "manipulative" I am and all sorts of other horrible things, including going into his version of why we broke up over 10 years ago.
Once I found out this was going on I had a break down. I was humiliated and angry and deeply saddened by it. I felt like I couldn't show my face again. My mom reminded me that these people see me more, they know me from PTA meetings & events and that they're smart enough not to believe his nonsense. It still gives me anxiety at the start of a new year, but I also know that the more time passes, the better these people know me. I even had the principal tell me that they know me, they see me, they don't know BD.
I completely agree with kllrbnny.
BM trash talks DH to anyone that will listen, SD's friend's parents, teachers daycare providers, bus drivers. anyone. (okay, to be fair I bash BM a lot on here, but I don't do it IRL to people that are exposed to SD, this is my "outlet") Its annoying and makes me and DH uncomfortable to go to SD's school or extra curricular events because we are always getting stared at and whispered about. who knows what BM says about us, but we do what we need to do to support SD. DH and I present a united front at these events, and let the haters hate.
These parents are more than acquaintances... they are exposed to you, know the kind of mom you are, and are exposed to BM. they see BM dropping SD off in shambles and you dropping her off calm and collected.
I see no problem with defending yourself. there's nothing wrong with saying: we got SD a new backpack, its just working out for BM right now to keep switching backpacks. its the truth, without completely bashing her, or making yourself seem defensive.
and yeah, it makes for some good gossip too. as long as you are being the mature adults and being supportive of SD, the gossip is just going to make BM look bad (not that she really needs any help!)
I feel terrible for this little girl having to go through that with her own mother.
Honestly when we have any questions or circumstances pop up, we handle it according to who the other person is involved. A teacher or coach etc...we handle it as nicely as we can without sounding like we're bashing BM but also being honest.
Other parents who we know or arem getting to know, we're a little more open and again arem honest but let them know that things may not be very civil so that they are aware of that for both parents sakes. But again we don't bash, but arem honest. Its not our fault if BM lies to others including the children or keeps secrets from us just because she can't attend certain events. We do our best to find out about everything through others because we are never told about them so its hard for us not to make it known to others about the not so civil relationship.
Thanks ladies. You're both right, these other parents and staff members have been exposed to BM and she has used plenty of opportunities to badmouth me and my husband. I know some of the questions are just to see if I'll stoop to her level and engaged in the badmouthing, which is why I always try to sidestep questions and essentially put it back on BM.
Holly: my husband felt the same way about being involved with K's school. Once we found out how much bashing BM was doing he was embarrassed to be there because people only heard her side of the story. It took a lot of reminding him that actions speak louder then words before he felt comfortable volunteering. Now he volunteers every Friday in her class, and is active with the PTA and is helping me chair the Carnival this year. It was really hard for him to realize that just because BM is bashing us, it doesn't mean she "owns" the school and that he has just as much right to be there as she does.
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You should have DH contact the school and ask to be put on the mailing list and email list and to have duplicates of everything (other than homework) that goes home with your SC sent to DH.
At DS's last school they weren't sending stuff to BD b/c of a paperwork glitch that he still blames on me. So when we changed schools he contacted them before the 1st day and made this arrangement. It is a bit of a pain for the school I'm sure, but I think that's mostly b/c BD has called and yelled about not getting a flyer about treat day or something stupid.
Anyway, this arrangement has worked out quite nicely b/c nobody has to worry about notifying or being notified of any school happenings.
Actually, a lot of schools are doing this now. Blended families have become so common, most schools don't even blink an eye when duplicates are requested. My husband and BM have separate Emergency Cards on file with the office, receive separate emails from the teacher, both receive separate notices of school events, are each given a report card for K, etc. It has made things a lot easier on everyone.
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We have done both of these now this year actually. Just took care of adding information to emergency cards and we attended the meet the teacher for SD who's in 1st grade this year. BM did not make us aware of the event (i guess because she could not attend and we had the kids.) but a family member of mine knew about it and made sure we knew and took SD. We did request a "dad" copy be sent home in her folder and so far it has worked out well.
The things I worry about are birthday invitations and things like that. Last year a birthday party was almost missed because BM did not pass along the invite to us for the weekend we had them. A parent from the class asked me if we would be going and we had to ask about it just a few days prior and she lied to us in front of the children saying SD said she didn't want to go and threw it away. SD said aloud that she does want to go and BM rolled her eyes saying she'd dig it out of the trash for us. We told her not to worry and we'd get the info from other sources. That evening SD came to me privately and told me her mom lied to us and she's the one who threw it away. My heart broke for her at that point. So we just keep in contact with other parents from time to time to make sure we know of those things and also about extracirricular things.
We kind of have the same issue. 2 years ago when SD was in Kindergarten for the first time her teacher would make comments at parent/teacher meetings about how some days SD would come to class with clothes/shoes that fit and be more "alert" those days and other days SD would have clothes to big/small/short and shoes that hurt her feet and she would fall asleep in class. BM would just say that DH forgot to send back her clothes or something like that.
Finally SD told the teacher one day that mommy just doesn't buy her the right size when the teacher was asking about her shoes hurting her. Both parents got a call from the school counselor and BM was told that if she can't get shoes/clothes that fit SD maybe she should stop by the school and go through the "closet" thing they have for this situation. BM finally started buy her clothes that were bigger and just puts belts on SD. SD has made several comments about how "mommy always buys me 8's. Doesn't she know I where a 6/6x?" They catch on and I'm sure K will catch on and start making comments too soon. SD doesn't want to hurt BM but she doesn't really understand the filter and just says what she thinks. She thanked me the other day for buying her shoes that fit. BM always buys her clothes/shoes 2 sizes up and just puts belts on her. They are always stained, torn, ratty looking. We can't go anywhere right after we pick up SD because she looks so sad and DD, DH, and I don't dress that way at all and I feel bad that SD looks so unkept.
so sad
We had a couple calls last year from the school while SD was in BM's custody cause BM did not answer her phone when the school called. We had to take her a uniform one day(luckily we were off work) because she was dropped off at school in regular clothes. Not sure why BM did this....but when we got there i felt terrible cause she wasn't even in a cute outfit. old beat up stained clothes it seemed like and ratty flip flops...in Kindergarten.
I can't remember why we got the other call after BM didn't answer but it was something similar I feel like. And I just feel like if I were in her situation, I will answer my phone or return the call immediately if i see the school has called. The one time with the uniform, BM called DH almost an hour later saying she just called the school back and thanked him for taking care of it cause she was "in the shower". um...you have a 4 year old at home with you and you were in the shower for an hour?? .....
jobalchak, I seriously commend you for the mature attitude you have in all this. You are very involved in the school, and I am quite certain that people see what's going on. I am sure it is clear to them when K is with you and when K is with BM based on appearance and maybe even behavior.
Honestly, I think other mom's just want the DL on the situation. They want the dirt. I would just continue what you're doing.
In regards to the questions about the backpack, I would just say "The rainbow one is the one we just bought K, and the green one is from BM." If they ask more about it, you can reply the way you already reply - "I'm not sure, you'll have to ask BM about that."
I agree, they're likely just being nosey. But they're also going to judge the crap out of you if you say anything negative about BM. I think Twister's answer is perfect. You come out smelling like a rose. As well you should.