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Blended Families
Where is my place?
So my husband and I are having trouble with his first childs mother.
A little background: Both of us work full time and bably mama doesn't. SHe has two other daughters who are 9 and 12yo. We recently enrolled my husbands son in the same montesorri school as his 9yo sister. We do week on week off with baby mama, which has just started since the end of last school year and through out the summer. Before that we had his son full time because baby mama couldn't 'afford' him. Baby mama is unreliable, throughout the summer we were left in a lurch multiple times with child care options because she feels that week on week off is when it is convienient for her. She doesn't work and has a rich boyfriend so they go on trips last minute and she can ditch her girls with their grandparents when ever she wants. So when she wants to go somewhere and it is her week, we usually just take my husbands son for the remainder of her week. A few times it caused us serious turmoil, not only were we stranded without childcare (because she is so last minute and changes her mind every other day) it caused my husband and I to be put in a place with little choices which made he and I to miss days of work.
Now school has started again and we are looking at childcare options. His school has an after school program which is expensive. Yesterday, my hisband came home and informed me that he didn't want to pay for the afterschool program because baby mama said she would pick him up after school and watch him until we get off work. So a few problems with this situation is: 1. she is unreliable, (like we will get him friday of ths week because she is going out of town and was going to drop him off with some random babysitter for the weekend. Exchange day is sunday. 2. Her idea of watching him is having her oldest daughter (12yo) home to watch him while she runs all over town. 3. They do not facilitate homework time after school, its pretty much a free for all, watching tv, playing with neighbor kids, etc. 4. The 12yo has no boundaries other than to stay home with her brother, so she has multiple friends come over all afternoon and they are now experimenting with smoking weed. Which baby mama doesn't feel is a problem.
Now I have serious issues with this picture... 1. I think that the afterschool program although expensive is worth the money. They have running club, homework time, and supervised free play time. 2. Older sister does not want to have to babysit her 6yo little brother. 3. When he does get home to our house, it will be around 5pm which means because they don't do homework at their house (not to mention, last year we rarely were even able to retrieve his backpack from his moms house) this leaves only time for homework, dinner and bed at our house. 
4. Baby mama is manipulative and get childsupport from the 2 other baby daddies for her daughters. my hisband has mentioned concern in the recent past that he feels she would pull that on us. Which in this childcare option she definitly has the 'upper hand' with him being 'with her' more time than with us. (where the original agreement begun 2yrs ago was that we would have custody of him. and she would have him on the weekends. This is not a court document, it is a notarized, signed paper between them)
So my questions are 1. What is my place in all this?? I want him to be in the after school program during our weeks, and am willing to help pay for the costs. Is that legit for me to push? 2. I think my husband should get a court order with baby mama, so we are not left with little notice to find child care when she decides its not conveinient for her. Her week, her problem type thing. Should I try to push him more on this? 3. I think that the older sister babysitting is a bad idea with the choices she is makign and the lack of supervision as well as the homework not going to be done. I think running club, free play and homework would be good for him. I
I have planted the seed of a court ordered custody agreement a few times and voiced my concerns which my husband is in agreement when baby mama is causing issues but when she is being accomodating he just drops it. I do not like to push him into doing things. I understand he needs to get along with baby mama and in the big picture we do get along with her, there are just a few hurdles like these that come up time to time. So, I don't know what my place is here. I'm married to the guy, I care about his sons education, (he is very smart and needs facilitation, which his mom does not get) I want more say in what goes on with his son during our week with him. I feel that if baby mama has him all this time, nothing would stop her from trying to get a court order and child support from us.
I feel like her unreliability effects me so why should I not have say in these matters? and originally baby mama wanted little to do with her son and only in the last few months has she made the decision to be more in his life, which I think is important for the most part... she is not a bad person, just selfish and doenst think things through. My hisband typically agrees with what I say, but many times its just dropped and not brought up again after she gets back on track with the schedule.
I don't knwo what to do. I want to push these things for the sake of our sanity and the sake of his education. (to be honest, I felt this way last school year but felt that I didn't have any say and justified it since he was only in kindergarden, now he is in 1st grade and I think school facilitation is now more important)
What is my place in all this???? I get that he is their child first of all. But during our week, should it be my husband and I's decision since I am married to him?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Where is my place?
No, it should not be your decision at all. Your place in this is to support your husband and to love that little boy and treat him like your own when he is with you. That does not mean that you get to replace his mother in the decision making process just b/c he's under your roof. You have no bone in this fight.
That is what the judge would say and that is what you should keep in mind. You can certainly offer suggestions to your husband & offer to help pay for the after school program, but please do not push. Remember that he is already at odds with BM and he should in no way feel that he's getting it from both sides.
Also, if the notarized (and therefore legally binding) document isn't keeping her on the straight and narrow no court order will. Right now I'd say it's best not to rock the boat right now.
And as for the excuse that if he goes home with her after school 3. When he does get home to our house, it will be around 5pm which means because they don't do homework at their house this leaves only time for homework, dinner and bed at our house.
Yeah, that sucks, but this is what most families have to deal with. Actually, when both parents are working, this is one of the better outcomes. My husband doesn't get home til 7 when he works days, and half the time he's gone when we get home b/c he's working nights. There are so many families with similar, and even worse, situations to mine. This is why weekends are important. That is also plenty of time to help him with his homework. He's 6, how much can he have?
I do think you have the right to push the after school program. It effects your life to and the life of the son. You do not want him in a situation with older kids experimenting . Plus the after school program will help him with friendships and seeing positive role models.
It is part your say now that you are married to his father and he is in your care most of the time. The court order is tricky, I would only use that for a last resort. That will be really hard on him and could flip in a way thats not good for you. She may get more custody then you have to worry about him being there more.You have to do whats best for the child. Partly, you have to suck it up and deal with mama drama but if in the end its hurt the child something needs to be done. He can't back down every time she does to step up. He has to start putting his foot down with mama, its best for the child.
There is no other after care option? Maybe a friend he can go with at least a couple days a week?
So your saying I can help pay for and support them, but I shouldn't have any more say in how he is raised?? And Because bm has decided that she wants to be more in his life in the last three months, (not to forget the little to complete lack of being there for the 2 yrs prior, showing that she can just come and go in to his life as she pleases.) She should have decision making ability during his time with us?
You are not correct in that a notarized document is legally binding. This was only created so that she would not have to pay for child care when they first broke up, bevause she didn't want him to live with her. A judge ruled court order is legally binding and not being compliant to the order can make it difficult for her to claim child support and would make it easier on us in regaurd to planning for child care.
I am very aware of the turmoil that is caused when my husband is getting crap from bm as well as from me. I am not a nagger and dont push him to do anything. If I bring something up I do it in a civil way. I am not 'my way or the highway' type. He agrees when i do bring it up, but it gets dropped when she is not pulling her stunts.
I understand that most bm would agree with you, not wanting the new wife to make decisions for thier children. But This bm has little to offer and I feel that your advice to treat him like my own, to me, means that I would facilitate my own childrens education and after school programs, even in first grade. I also feel that I would not be ok leaving my child with a 12 yo babysitter who has no boundaries andi is doing drugs with her friends at the house.
I also do not like to live my life based on how much harder other families have it. That is not relavent to my situation. We all have our own hardships that are just as difficult as anyone else's.
thanks! I appreciate the advice. I feel this makes sense. I agree that when it comes to his safety somthing needs to be done. My husband agree's. I don't think the court order would give her the upper hand. The way it stands now is that she has little say in the matter based of her actions for the past 2 yrs. If we wait and comply with her requests of week on week off, and afterschool childcare she will have more say. My husband and I have good stable jobs, my husband writes down all days he is with her on a calender (has since they seperated) and bm does illegal activities as her 'job' and why her bf is rich, (didn't want to bring that up.) She has full custody and shild support from the 2 daughters but these dads are douche bags who have no jobs, can barely pay thier bills and have been in and out of jail, etc,
Wow. Sorry, I didn't realize you were just looking for agreement.
Also, the point of having a document notarized is so that it then becomes legally binding. Yes, you would have more recourse for enforcing certain things with an actual court order, but it isn't going to change her mindset and that was my point.
As for my saying you don't have a dog in this fight, that is what most judges would say. That is from a legal standpoint. Does it suck? Yes. That is what happens when you are in a blended family though.
I have always heard "your parenting time, your rules" and you can't dictate what happens at BM's so I think you do have a say here. When it is your parenting time you get to choose his childcare. I'm a SM with a DH that has 50/50 custody. I have a say in things because it affects my life and DD's schedule.
DH and BM have 50/50. Before SD started school SD went to daycare when she was with DH and either stayed home with BM or went to a relatives during BM's time. Same as now. After school SD stays at school and does the after school thing. BM picks her up right after school. DH picked the after school program and we pick the summer program for SD also because we have her the most. BM didn't like where we sent her this summer but DH told her it was his time, it's where DD goes and it's easiest on us to pick them up from the same spot. She didn't have a say.
I also get what the other person was saying about if she won't follow something she agreed to and notarized before she isn't going to follow a court order and notarized items do hold up in court. BM and DH signed a paper saying that DH's address would be SD's address for all school related things and that she would go to DH's school district. Then once she got into Kindergarten BM tried to go to court and get her district as the school SD goes too. The judge told her that since it was signed by both parties and notarized that it was legally binding and BM couldn't go changing her mind after the fact just because she moved.
You and your husband get to decide what your role is in your house. However, the key there is in your house. As for the after school issue, have you voiced your concerns to your h?
I do think you need a court order but you can't make it happen. You can encourage it but that's it. As for preparation for potentially going to court. Document everything. Every time she flakes out. Try to get it in email or text so you can print them out.
All of this.
OP, you are the SM (Step Mom) not the BM (Birth Mom). Decisions need to be made by YH (Your Husband) and BM about their DS (Dearest Son.) As YH's wife, you can give him input when he asks for your advice. If you think that SS (Step Son) will be watched by his older sis and not BM, that he will get no HW done, and that the older sis would be a bad influence, I would bring these things up with YH. See what he thinks about them. If he doesn't care, then back off. If he sees where you're coming from, then discuss the after school option more. Can you see if the school will give you 50% off (or even 25% off) since you will only be using the services EOW (Every Other Week?)