I'm just tired

SquishyMine

Day 85 - had a rough morning so far - girls did NOT want to wake up for me to eat this morning. We had a nurse we haven't had before - and I understand they are busy, and scheduling is really tight right now, but at 6:00 in the morning, I need to have our routine followed. I need the girls awake and ready to go when I get there, and I do NOT need to have to re-explain everything to people. Simple things, that normally wouldn't bother me, like "What's your husband's name? and Do you have a good breast pump at home?" "No, I've been hand expressing to keep my milk up for almost three months!" Really? I mean, it was an innocent question - I was just so not in the mood.

Then, one of the nurses walks in all cheery and asked "So, you get to go home today?"  Me:  "Uh...no."  Nurse: "Oh, must be the other LastNames".  Turns out no one's going home - don't know where she got that idea, but again, really?  Don't ask that.  We still have another couple weeks, and it so hit me like the proverbial bricks.  I almost made it out the door, but one of our regular nurses asked how I was doing and I kinda broke down.  I'm tired. I'm tired of pumping instead of breastfeeding, I'm tired of traveling to the hospital, I'm tired of having to track down a comfortable chair to sit in to feed/hold my daughters, I'm tired of people at work asking if they are home yet.  I'm. Just. Tired.

ijustcantthinkrightnow

Big hugs... The final stretch is always the hardest. 

 

Maybe try to take a day or night off from the NICU and get some rest. Also I don't know If you are waking at night to pump or not, but you can also try to take one night off and sleep all the way through just to recharge.

 I feel your pain, we too had a very long NICU stay. 

thishappyhouse

Im sorry you are down.  I hope tomorrow is a better day.  

 I remember the feeling well... something about approaching and rounding the 100 day mark made things hard, especially when the end still seems like it could be a few weeks away.  

 Try to do something for yourself today....you deserve it mama. 

ashk7

I remember those feeling all too well! I am so sorry you are having a bad day, it takes such strong women to be NICU mommies! You are doing an amazing job, like pp suggested try and take some you time, I know it's hard but it's so helpful. Also like pp said those last few weeks were the hardest for me as well, it's like you can see that light at the end of the tunnel but it's fading in and out, and the longer your in there the more peoples innocent and sometimes rude comments are multiplied by 100!!!! We all can sympathize with the "are they home yet?" usually followed up by "why?" I am lucky I made it through those last few weeks without assault charges, lol! Hang in there and try snd find a release for yourself!!! I hope your day has gotten better and your LO s are having a good day as well!!!!

pathfindermon

So sorry!  Hugs to you!

And like others have said- try and do something for yourself- a nap, pedi, whatever.  And don't feel guilty for doing it- you have to take care of yourself too!

SquishyMine

Thank you all so much!  That is an awesome idea!  I think tomorrow night I will go get the mani/pedi I have been putting off forever.  I do feel a little better.  My head knows that there are ups and downs...just need to remind my emotions once in awhile!

People mean well - they are just trying to be nice.  They have no idea all the emotion wrapped up in some of their questions/comments!  (No, we won't be busier when they come home - we will be the same busy, but it WILL be different!)  Ha!

Call me Mrs. F

I am so sorry for what you're feeling today, it is such a hard thing to have your baby/babies away from home. Can i just say that you are amazing for keeping up your pumping at home for 3 months! That cannot be easy and it shows just what you're willing to do to have the best for your girls. The pumping and the travel and the questions ..it is all enough to make you crazy and you are hanging in there strong! I hope your girls do go home with you soon

njdcgirl

((HUGS))

It is such a grind....and gets even harder as you can *feel* the end approaching, but you are not sure when.

I had several major lows during our 147 stay - one right about the three month mark.  So, I feel for you.  Love another posters suggestion of taking some time for yourself, maybe getting together with a friend for a few hours.  Hopefully that will recharge you.

Hang in there - you are doing awesome for your babies!

SquishyMine

You gals are awesome!  Thank you for the kind words of encouragement.  It's so nice to hear from people who have been there.  It's hard to explain to people "on the outside" what it's like, and we are in a marathon.  It wears on a person. 

Everything just has so much more meaning now.  Before, when they would desat or not eat, it seemed we had plenty of time...now everything gets weighed against the possibility of going home.  I try not to do it...they are going to do things in their own time, and they are still not even supposed to be here yet at 36 weeks plus...but it's so hard not to!

DrRx

((hugs)) I'm so sorry that you've hit a wall.  I remember how rough those last few weeks were.  Like others have said, you saw the light at the end of the tunnel, and it was so close yet so far away.  I'm glad to hear that you're going to take some time for yourself.  And I totally agree with you that although you will be busy when you bring them home, it will be a different kind of busy.  I was just so excited to not have to drive to the hospital multiple times a day to take care of her.  Instead, I could just get out of bed and take care of her!

Hang in there sweetie! 

jcsntms06

Hugs!  Hang in there Mama! Your almost there.

SquishyMine

So, quick update - things went much better last night (Emily was at the breast for 23 minutes and Sam did 10 minutes and another 10 or 15 ccs by bottle!)  This morning went well too, and I am all set to go get a mani/pedi tonight!

Every day is different...working on concentrating on today, and letting tomorrow take care of itself!  Thanks again for all the great encouragment!