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Adoption
Hello, I'm new. Adopting an older child?
Hello everyone,
My H and I live in Europe and have a 4 year old daughter. We have been thinking about adopting for awhile and have finally started signing up for information evenings to learn more about the process and decide whether adoption really is for us or not.
I'm African-American and my husband is German. We are thinking about adopting from either Germany or the U.S. Our preference would be a mixed race, or African-American child. We would like to adopt a child who is older than a newborn, but because that child would need to learn another language - maybe 2 languages if we adopt from another country - we were thinking maybe the child shouldn't be too old, (maybe 5?) because that would be really difficult for them? I don't know. I have no idea about any of this.
Is there anyone here who has adopted an older child? What has that experience been like for you? My husband is getting a bit nervous because most of the articles and information we've read is very pessimistic about the experience- that it is hard and grueling and can destroy families, particularly when the child is not a great fit. I know that it won't be easy, but the materials we've received so far have been quite dire.
Would anyone be able to share any information or experiences? I'm sure you've talked about this an million times. A link to past threads would also be helpful.
If I've said anything in this OP that is not PC or offensive, please excuse me. I'm new to all of this.
TIA
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Hello, I'm new. Adopting an older child?
I know of several families who have adopted older children (as old as teenagers), none from foster care. Yes, there are major adjustment issues in many cases, but it certainly hasn't destroyed their families.
All the children I'm thinking of were adopted internationally and learned their new language very quickly.
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
I presume both you and your H are both US citizens? It is possible for you to adopt from the US, in an outgoing Hague case and it may not even have to be considered a Hague case, if you are military, or I'd you plan to return to the US to live before the child's 18th birthday. Your first bet would be to contact the Central Authority in the country you live in.
Also, my son came home at 23 months. It has been a very difficult road for our family, but I know he is meant to be with us and I love him to pieces.
We are also in the early stages of investigating adoption as an international couple living in Europe, which is certainly not for the faint of heart.
Germany has the lowest birthrate in all of Europe, so you're not too likely to find many babies up for adoption, especially if you want one with some African lineage. I don't have cold numbers, but I am thinking there's a sizable wait list.
I've found a guy who does Hague approved home studies who is based in Munich, although he's willing to travel. We aren't overly interested in adopting from the US due to the fact any kind of openness would be hindered by the fact that we're not certain where we're going to live long term. We also struggle with the notion that a birthparent could theoretically reclaim rights at any juncture in the process.
Have you considered adopting from Africa? Uganda and Ethiopia seem to be big right now with less wait time.
It's very arduous! PM me if you want to chat more. I wish you a lot of luck.
PP's have covered a lot of the bigger issues with international/older child adoption. The one thing I haven't seen mentioned yet is birth order.It's important to consider all aspects of it at least and some agencies prefer that you don't adopt out of birth order (ie, that your DD will always remain the oldest in the home and you'd thus adopt kids younger than her).
https://www.carolinahopeadoption.org/blog/archives/3191/ This is a pretty good overview on some of the questions you can ask yourself and your potential agency.
DH and I are adopting a toddler (most likely; s/he will be no older than DS) from Uganda. From what I've read, having another child in the family can be a great asset; often new children bond with new siblings more quickly than they bond with their new parents!
I think all adoptions are different. There are newborns and infants who have attachment difficulties (adoptees at 6 months old can develop reactive attachment disorder). I feel like that's the nature of adoption: you can't guarantee the outcome of your choices. You can try.
From what I've read, your child is much more likely to attach to you if they had a consistent caregiver in their infancy... FWIW
Application approved Dec '11
Mar '12: Homestudy interrupted by change in Uganda requirements - where do we go from here?
After searching and searching, back with Uganda but with our homestudy agency's program.
Homestudy complete July 19
USCIS I-600A submitted July 20. Biometrics appointments arrived Aug 17; fingerprinted Aug 21; 171H received Sept 25th. On the wait list Oct 1st: #18. By Jan 25th, we're #13!
Come home, baby A!
Thanks for the replies.
We are going to the offices for international adoption next month and will hopefully get a lot more information there.
And yes, the fact that birthparents in the U.S. can reclaim rights at any point has given us a pause.
Another thing is that my H and I are both 37 and Germany doesn't like to give newborns to people over 40 so whatever we do, we have to get on it quickly. I'm open to adopting from many places, but we were thinking of starting with our own countries of origin and then work from there. The feedback here has been very helpful
And we have thought about birth order. I definitely want to adopt a child younger than DD.
I'll definitely be back with more questions as time goes on!
That's a common misconception and isn't inherently true. There is a period of revocation where the birth mother can change her mind after she has chosen an adoption plan for her baby, and it varies by state. Some states are as short as 24 hrs after birth and one or two are as long as 6 months. Once that time is up, though, BMs can't just take the baby back (assuming that the adoption was not coerced/there wasn't some illegal stuff going on, etc).
This is a short summary: https://www.theadoptionguide.com/files/StateAdoptionLaws.pdf
Of course there's a risk that you could have a baby in your home for three weeks and she wants him back on the 4th week, etc, but that's a risk with domestic adoption. International adoption has its own set of risks (and rewards). You just need to decide which set of them you're more comfortable with. Good luck!!
It isn't true that birth parents can reclaim a child at any point. In some states termination of rights can be signed as early as 24 hours after birth, and is binding and irrevocable at that point. I don't know of any state that birth parents can reclaim a child after finalization. Native American adoption is the only thing I am aware of that is risky in that regard.
Good luck with your journey! I hope you are able to find some useful information here! :-DWelcome! Unfortunately, I don't have any answers to your questions. But GL with your journey!