Would you ask first? (Loss and baby names related)

quidditchcapn1120

So, the more I start to think about TTC'ing again, the more I think about names.  We plan on keeping names secret from family until the birth.  We originally were going to name a girl Addison Michele, after my mom.  However, I recently decided maybe we would include my stillborn sister's name- making it Addison Elyse. Elyse was born stillborn full-term after a placental abruption 20 years ago.  If you have experienced loss, would you be upset if your daughter honored another child that way without asking first?  I want it to be kind of a bonding thing in the hospital as a family, but I haven't experienced loss as a mother and want to make sure I am not being insensitive about it.  I know this is all hypothetical as who knows if the next child will even be a girl, but I will need to prepare myself for that type of conversation.

 

quidditchcapn1120

Thanks for the input ladies.  My mom is definitely a more sensitive soul.  It's probably something I will have to think more about once I know whether #2 is a boy or girl.

ShellShockedMama

I've not experienced this type of loss, but I do know that with any loss it never stop hurting and even though it's been decades, the pain can still be pretty raw. My former neighbor lost her baby boy at 26 weeks 30 years ago and can barely choke out his name.

I'd ask first. 

And, I've had a miscarriage--which was very early, nothing like the heart ache of losing a full term baby-- and my heart still stops on the anniversary of the loss. 

ShellShockedMama

and I do think it is a beautiful gesture, I truly do. But again, I don't think I'd want to surprise her with such an emotional gesture on an already emotional (happy emotions, obviously) day.

Kissimi21

My parent's were int he same situation.  My stepdad's sister died when she was still a baby 22 years earlier.  To honor her, he asked his mother if he could use her name as my sister's middle name.  His parents were very touched by the gesture.

I think th ebest thing to do is to talk to your mother about it after you find out the baby's sex, but early enough before the delivery that she has a chance to get comfortable with it.  Let her know that you want to honor your sister's memory but you want to respect her feelings, so you are asking for her blessing. 

Good luck, and I want to add that it is a beatiful name and a beautiful sentiment.

Arcadia1114

I had the exact situation when I was pregnant. To make it even more symbolic, ds's due date was the day my mom had her stillborn baby. he was born a few days early.. I'd talked to my mom about using the name Karen. We had a boy so it didn't happen. Addison is a beautiful name.

tarebear9891

My moms first baby was born early but lived for 3 days. My mom still more than 40 years ago mourns that loss. But I think she would be incredibly touched if I named one of my kids after her. It's still something I would run by her though in case it would be too upsetting.

scorch

Yes you should ask.  And be prepared for a no.  I wanted to do this with my oldest DD. Ironically, I wanted to name my DD Isla Elyse, after my BFF s DD who was born too early. I asked her first and she said that she would have to think about it and then came back and said no.  But I was totally ok with that. I wanted to honor the memory of her daughter but for her, it was not the best way to do it.  it's all good though.

shakes

BostonKisses2:

I would talk to your mom first, once you know the baby's sex.

This. I would leave it alone for now, just incase your mom because quite attached to this idea and come to find out its a boy. I am sure she would be thrilled either way but there could be an element of loss in the sense of getting excited about it to find out it wont happen. But I do believe that is a beautiful gesture. I also think it's a lot to ask someone to be ok with it if they're not. It could be a reminder that the baby is not here with you all.

quidditchcapn1120

Thank you all for your words of wisdom.  I definitely think after processing your opinions that I will be having the conversation with my mom following the anatomy scan and before the baby is born.

I'm glad I asked you all because my understanding of the subject is from my perspective as a person who lost a sister at age 7.  I remember my dad picking me up at school and I was confused as to who he was talking about passing away, and I thought he was talking about my mother at first.  I remember my grandma living with us for 2 months because my parents were unable to effectively parent during this time.  My view of the situation has been tainted by my own experience in learning at a young age that it isn't only elderly people who die.  I need to remember that my mom had a different experience than me even though we all experienced the event as a family.

quidditchcapn1120

Should I have a conversation with my dad too?  They are now divorced.  Should I arrange a joint meeting to discuss this with them together?

andyyougoonie

That is so heartbreaking. I think it's a lovely name and gesture, but I do think you should mention it to your mom before the birth. I think she will love it and be honored, and appreciate the warning.

I'm so sorry for your family's loss.