Am I a hypocritical biitch or what? longish vent
dande2129
member
FI and I started dating when DS was about 10 months old. Initially, I did worry that his family wouldn't be as accepting as they would if DS was FI's, and I expected a little bit of that. I understood that the relationships would build over time. What I didn't expect was the complete and total acceptance, love and nurturing providing to DS from FI's family pretty much right away. They genuinely love him, and he has known no different from them because they've been around as long as he can remember.
So while all of this has been really great, and DS calls FI's mom a version of Grandma, she has been really irritating me lately. We stopped by her house the other night, and I feel like she constantly judges me as a parent. For instance, she was playing "catch" with DS, and she asked me if I play catch with him. I said no, because it's unpredictable, and he's still not aware of what he can and cannot throw in the house. She said, "Well he'll never learn if you don't teach him. I started playing catch with my son at 18 months." Well, good for you lady. Then she tells DS, "We'll have to get mommy used to the ball, huh?" The BALL is not the issue.... it's the fact that he's two and thinks that he can throw anything, and we're working on NOT throwing right now.
She will also go to pretty lengthy steps to tell me how to parent. She was "coaching" FI during a timeout with DS, and telling us how to put him in a timeout. I'm talking, literally instructing him and not saying, "You should..." but rather, "DO THIS" manner.
[She has also said really weird things in the past... she never remarried after FI's dad and her divorced, and she'll say things like, "I wish I had a <enter FI name here> when *I* was a single mom..." She has said that multiple times, either showing jealousy that I, gratefully, don't have to do it alone anymore or that I'm not nearly as strong as she is because I didn't "focus" on my child instead of date, even though FI is the only one I dated after my eXH]
She won't be able to understand something DS has said and will ask FI, "What did he say?" when I am literally standing right there. FI is around a lot, but I'm around DS more. I feel defensive, like she dismisses me as a parent and acts like FI is the be-all-end-all in DS's life.
There are so many other things that have been getting under my skin. I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones or what, but I really feel as though she is overly involved in raising DS, and I've never had that before. My mom is very practical in her advice, and gives it when it's asked. (Or maybe I just generally receive it differently because it IS my mom and I love her dearly) I've also never had grandparents being so involved in MY life, so this is a totally new concept to me.
I feel like a biitch because I wanted them to love DS... but... I don't know. As stated, I feel dismissed as a parent at times, like I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I couldn't possibly know how to raise him without their help.
Does anyone else deal with this? Help me learn how to deal.
Re: Am I a hypocritical biitch or what? longish vent
If it makes any difference I have a strong feeling that her behavior would be exactly the same if you and FI were already married and DS was his flesh and blood.
My sister's MIL acts very similar. Honestly, I say to just brush off as much as you can. Let 'nod and smile' be your mantra. For the 1-3 things that are really important to you first talk to FI about it and the two of you can decide together how to deal, whether its just him, just you or both of you talking to her/writing her a letter...
In the end, she's loving your son like he was her own flesh and blood and that is great for him. You just have to hang in there and pick your battles.
Honestly, THIS is what I worry about most with having another baby. If it's "this bad" when DS isn't even her own grandson really, how is she going to act when it IS her own grandson and she sees her son in him?
Smile and nod is what I do now... I just don't want to end up blowing up at her. I did at one point recently, and it was over wedding stuff, and she just smiled and patted my shoulder like, "There there.... silly little girl."
God help me.
Yikes, she sounds cray-cray. Sorry. Hang in there.
This. How often to you see STB MIL? I would cut back slowly, and if she says anything just say you have been really busy. From reading your other posts, she does sound a bit crazy..
How old are you? Some of this I think might stem from your own insecurities. Grandmas can let kids play in the house, eat candy before dinner, stay up late and watch tv....mother's can't (or shouldn't) - kwim? She can toss out all of the "advice" that she wants, but you don't have to take it or think that she's a better parent than you are. YOU know YOUR son.
Why can't you play catch with your son OUTSIDE? You don't have to play catch with your kid if you don't feel like it, but your "reasoning" about DS being unpredictible is a weak argument if you throw things outdoors. It's not as if your son prefers dancing to throwing a ball and she refuses to let him be an individual.
That being said, if she is bothering you and you can't handle it....don't hang out with her as much. Send DS over with FI to visit so you can shop for the baby or take a nap.