need to vent; advice welcome LONG
tomkat2010
member
I mostly lurk here, but needed somewhere to get out my frustrations. So here's the story:
DH and I have a 5 month old LO and we've been raising my SD(15) full time since she was 11. By full time, I mean she sees BM a few times a year. We've had behavioral issues from SD since the beginning, largely as a result of poor parenting on BM's part. She never received discipline or structure and never heard the word 'no' since that's how BM was raised, and continues to raise her two other LOs w/ her current DH. Not SD's fault, but DH and I have been trying to change her behaviors so the cycle won't continue.
Since starting high school last year her behavior has gotten progressively worse. (She just turned 15 this month, so most of these problems occurred at 13 or 14.) We've caught her smoking, drinking, taking other ppl's prescription meds, sneaking out, getting caught by cops, punished at school for back talk and/or foul language - her language is worse than a sailor's!, lying to us, having SEX!, cutting herself, piercing her own face/ears, tattoing herself, and she all but admitted to smoking pot. She has threatened to kill herself, and after the first time, I called a psychiatrist. She now is in therapy, and they immediately put her on multiple meds, which DH tries to regulate by giving them to her daily but who knows if she's actually taking them or not. She was seeing an older boy (18 yo ADULT) and DH threatened to call the cops, hoping that the threat would be enough for him to back off but apparently they're at it again. We have cameras in our house and neighbors all on watch, but we still can't trust her or watch her every move.
Since school began last week, she has missed two days already, complaining that she didn't feel well. She missed yesterday (well, checked out early) b/c she told the counselor at school that she was going to kill herself, so counselor calls DH and recommends she be transferred to reform school due to her instability and the probs they've had w/ her there. She also almost failed 9th grade simply b/c she refused to do the work. DH picked her up and had to bring her back to work with him since he couldn't take another day off right now. SD calls BM and wants to move back in w/ her (an hour away from us) and BM clearly is not big on the idea. Understandably - she has two small girls who are easily influenced by their big sister and BM has to think about their well being.
I also am concerned about DS's well being (in the future) when he is more impressionable. Obviously I don't trust her alone with DS for a second; I don't even really trust her with our dogs! I've seen some aggression issues with her and the dogs, so I keep a close eye on her w/ them too. Her whole family is beginning to pull away, our side and BMs. Her friends that are decent kids are becoming distant too.
I'm at a loss for what to do. I see this as a parenting prob begun by BM and not fixed well by DH. He has certainly tried, but I keep saying that what we're trying isn't working, so we need something more drastic or this will only get worse. We're considering reform school, boarding school (though we really don't have the money for it), sending her back to her mom's (she doesn't work and maybe can watch her more closely), and I've suggested getting a psych evaluation from a hospital. She seems determined on self-destruction despite anything we do. Anyone else have experience? Can you offer morale support?
Re: need to vent; advice welcome LONG
If she threathened suicide she needs to be taken to the hospital immediately. Even if you think she is bluffing. I am surprised the school did not insist on this. In my school they would not let the child back without a note from dr.
As far as reform school(im also questioning this) you dont send kids to reform school anymore..and you cant just send them. all sorts of testing by the district and documentation needs to be done previously for this even to be a small consideration.
Whatever you do has to be drastic. Medicating the girl is not the way to go, especially b/c you can't be positive she is taking the meds. She needs intensive therapy.
She needs super strict restrictions, basically she needs to be on lock down until she proves she's responsible enough to handle her freedom. Children need boundaries. They crave them so deeply that they don't even realize that is what they are longing for.
I would also suggest family counseling which will help you and DH learn tactics to deal with this.
Also, this girl needs love. She needs to know that you and DH are going to continue to love her and support her. It's hard to say what went on when she lived at BM's but it clearly left this girl broken.
Good luck.
Does the school system employ a behavoirist / behavior analyst? If yes, the threatened suicide should be enough that she can be assessed by the school system.
If not, I would check to see if you can find one in private practice who can recommend changes that you can make both IN SCHOOL and AT HOME so that there is consistency. Sometimes it is a lot easier to enforce changes (in your dh's situation) if you have a guideline about what to do.
After 4 years living with you, I don't know how much you can keep blaming BM for all of her problems.
No real insight but I hope you find some answers soon! Teenagers are tough!
I like that you have looked into psychiatry for her. Have you and DH sat down with her and tried to figure out where her emotions are coming from? Perhaps she may feel jealous of the new baby as well? Since BM started the issue, I dont think sending her back to BM will benefit her. Is there close family who can get involved to assist in keeping and eye on her and "babysit" in a way? It seems that she is able to get herself into trouble assuming because of you and your Dh's work sched. I wish you the best of luck with this!!
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I completely agree with all of this, especially the bold.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with the pp that medicating is NOT the way to go especially if she may be mixing her meds with recreational drugs, and drastic measures need to be taken. Can I ask which area of the country you live in? I've been a member of the Daytop family association for several years as my sister has been battling drug addiction for years. Many parents turn to the Daytop program to help themselves and it helps to guide them on how to get their children help. I've seen it save lives first hand and I've seen children go from what you're describing to well rounded young adults. The lack of structure and behavioral issues are what Daytop focuses on as well as addiction or experimenting with drugs.
She definitely needs to be reminded often how much you love her and that you and your DH will do anything to help her. Best of luck to you.
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By reform school I mean alternative school and yes that is an option where we live. It's for troubled kids, those kicked out of regular school, those who fail, get pregnant, all sorts of other issues. I agree with you that she needs to be admitted to the hospital. I've suggested this numerous times, but as SM there is only so much say that I get. When I called the psychiatrist, they wouldn't even talk to me, DH had to call back. We do think she's bluffing but obviously we can't treat it as such. The counselor asked DH to sign off yesterday on sending her to alternative school, which we agreed to look into but not "sign off on" without some consideration and research.
I agree with all of this. I have suggested family counseling as well. I have offered to quit my job to be able to watch her full time.
The school does not, but I can certainly look into a private one. That's a great idea.
I do agree with the last statement - BM started it but it has only gotten worse since she's been with us. I certainly didn't mean to blame BM for everything. We have attempted to set boundaries, rules, structure, and she rebels and defies it at every turn. This is where my frustrations with DH come into play. He's a very loving father and wants the best, but he struggles with making the transition from "fun weekend dad" to the disciplinarian/full time caregiver/responsible for putting her on the right path role of a father. I understand his struggles but wish and need him to be stricter and better at enforcing his rules and "punishments" rather than giving her empty threats such as saying he'll take away her phone but then giving it back quickly. I have broached this subject with him many times, so has my MIL, SILs, and he gets very defensive. That is a whole other issue that I'm trying to deal with. B/c of the "broken-ness" of SD's home with BM, DH feels like he always has to protect her and as a result is only hindering her growth as a young adult. I try to tell him we're not here to raise a child, but to raise an adult.
We are in Alabama, and I'm not sure what the laws are regarding threats of suicide, but she is in a good school system and if they were required to report it to the police, I sure hope they would follow the law and do so! I know they are required to report it to the parents, which they have done on both occasions (the first time her gym teacher called me and I immediately called the psychiatric services place she recommended) and the second time her counselor called DH. We have locked up all of our medications even the OTC stuff, but I think a mental evaluation is in order. I thought the psych. had done this, but it may not have been extensive.
I know she feels like she doesn't belong anywhere, despite the fact that we fought for her to live with us. Her mother has a life which doesn't include her at all and we have always tried to make her feel loved and included, although it is hard when she fights us every step of the way by being disrespectful, ungrateful, and refusing to spend any time with us. How do you include someone who cusses you out for offering to take her to dinner?
Keep the advice coming! I'm open to anything at this point.
She's lucky to have you. One day she'll realize that.
wendilea - thanks for that thought. There's bound to be a place just for teens around here where she can get help. I'll look into it.
Kllrbnny - I know she doesn't feel lucky to have any of us who love her, but maybe one day she will. I just hope we can all keep her safe and keep her from ruining her life. We used to talk about the importance of grades and such now (she almost failed last year) and the impact that grades now have on going to college in a few years, and now DH and I talk about whether college will even be an option for her. It's like we're both so at a loss, we almost "given up" already, and we don't want to be like that.
look into a psychiatric clinic. to be honest, the first time she threatened suicide this should have been done, but better late than never. If she is messing around with her meds it will make her situation 10x worse. She is SCREAMING for your attention (you, DH, BM, ANYONE at this point). and honestly, the boyfriend could be a huge contributing factor, ditch him ASAP.