Am I a bad mom to take a promotion?

jennsher

Hi Ladies, I do not post often, but I am in need of some advice (this is long sorry). I have a 4month old daughter and I went back to work about a month ago. In that time, my dream promotion/job opened up within my company. I did not apply initially, and I put it out of my mind. After over 200 applicants the job has not been filled and I was approached by Executive Leadership and asked if I was interested. (to put in perspective, it is a Director job where I would have 8 managers reporting to me and also I would go from an 8-5 job to a bit more unusual schedule but have flex time)  I knew I was, however, I said, I am worried about the hours and expectation that I will have to be here 24/7 (I work in a hotel). I have been reassured that initially there will be some long hours but once we overhaul and rebuild the department it will be what I want it to be and that previous person in this position did not have a family and chose to be here all the time.

I have been going through the whole process and know I will be getting an offer any minute. I am having an internal dilemma that you can't have it all. That I am an awful mother if I take this job because I may not be able to put my daughter to bed everynight. DH is so supportive and thinks I will have more time with her because I can go to work later in the day and have her in the mornings. I am also lucky because my mom is my caregiver now.

 Not sure if I should just stay in the position I am in as a manager and very successful and call it a day? Or do I go for my dream job? UGH, I am so stressed about this, I have always been so career oriented, and having a baby has changed everything, she is my world!

SoldiersGreenBean

What are the options if your dream job turn out to be a dud?  Can you go back to what you were doing?  What are your long term career goals?  If you turn down this opportunity, when (if ever) will you see it again?

I'd take the risk and try it.  Not being able to put your daughter to bed every night does not make you a bad mother. 

madamsmurfette

This sounds like a fantastic opportunity. If you were to take the promotion and 6 months down the road you found that it conflicted too much with your home life, do you think you would be able to take a step down and resume a manager role?

jennsher

I would not be able to go back to my old job, and this opportunity pretty much never comes about where you do not have to relocate to another city so this is very rare.

We are fortunate that if for some reason I hated it, and wanted to quit, we could live fine on my husbands salary (I do not really want to be a SAHM) but if I needed to find something else I could but I would have to switch companies...This position is about as high as I can really go with this company so it is very exciting.

It is pretty much a once in 10-20 years opportunity that this would come about again. I just do not want ever for my daughter to feel that I chose a career over her because she is with my mom more than me or my husband. I know what I would need to do to be with her, but am I tempting fate trying to have it all?

Kie310

I would take it. Dream jobs never just appear like that for many people. It sounds like in the long run you will be better off!

If this isn't something that is likely to come up again for 10-20 years, I personally wouldn't want to look back and regret not taking it!

jennsher

PrivacyWanted:

Every time I read an article about a successful woman who also happens to be a mother, I never see "I regret I took that promotion." Only "I wish I'd taken this opprotunity sooner."
Try it...if it turns out to not be what you want. Then quit and look elsewhere.  

From a different angle, As a daughter I wish my mom had taken the promotions she was offered and turned down.  She ended up really unhappy and unfufilled - that's what I remember from my junior high years on.

I never thought about it that way! Yes, that is so true!

Amy&Anthony

I would take it; especially now when your daughter is young; it is in many ways easier to work a more taxing schedule. If money is not an issue ( btw -lucky you I m offically jealous) take the extra money and put it in her college fund; ( and start a 5th birthday disney mega vaca fund- THAT she will remember and appreciate)

I too had a working mom, and never remember resenting or wishing she had been at something she wasn't; if you have flex time you can start saving it up now so that in 4-5 years when you need to be at the recital/soccergame/pta meeting you will be well established in your role.

good luck!

fryrat

Honestly, I wish I could start later in the day. DD wakes up so happy and excited in the morning, and on the weekends, that's our best time. If I could only choose one, getting her up in the morning or putting her to bed, I'd get her up. letting her fall asleep in my arms at night is cute and all, but as she grows into a little lady, I'd like her to remember her mommy waking her up with the sun, and getting her off to a good start each day.

AZ123

Go for it! I work a job where I have flex hours but I do put in a lot of hours.But, I have the flexibility to be at home with the kids and spend the morning with them. Some nights, I might miss them before bed but most nights I'm home for dinner and then back on the computer after they go to bed. I manage my own projects and work independently. It works really well for our family and i feel like I get awesome quality time with the kids. It is also more rewarding for me mentally to know that I'm doing something I enjoy and getting paid for it.

LoCarb

jennsher:

It is pretty much a once in 10-20 years opportunity that this would come about again. I just do not want ever for my daughter to feel that I chose a career over her because she is with my mom more than me or my husband. I know what I would need to do to be with her, but am I tempting fate trying to have it all?

Ultimately, it's your choice. However, think if you want to wait another 10-20 yrs to take the same opportunity would you be in a better place? Your DD may want you around for her after school activities.  Your D is young now and you do have more flexibility. As a career woman and mom, you are teaching your daughter women can be in high level fields and still balance motherhood. Actually, you are teaching her this regardless if you take the position or not.

My advice, weigh your options and go with your gut!

ETA: I work late one week a month and can't put the kids to bed. They are well adjusted girls and I bet they appreciate the one on one time w/ Daddy that week. I totally sound like I'm persuading you to take the job, huh? Talk to the hiring mgr about your concerns and make a decision from there.

brewcitybride

I'd get it in writing what they are telling you about the hours, and let them know up front what YOUR expectations are (you know there will be long hours up front, but you have a family now, and you have to know that it's a two-way street - they want you, you want the job, but you also want a life with your family).

I'd go for it. It doesn't sound like a hugely drastic promotion, not like you have to travel on an airplane for business trips, which a lot of my working mom friends do, and THAT I would have a problem with. Go for it!!

blueandgray

Since it sounds like you are on the road to getting the offer, why don't you bring up these concerns with the hiring person before you accept?   You may find that with flex time, and NOT the standard 8-5 sched, that you may actually have more flexibility to be there for your daughter, for activities, or dr appointments, whatever.   Or maybe you could negotiate that you will be available by phone/email in the evenings after she goes to bed to follow up on things as needed, but that family means you are home for dinner & bedtime each night.

It sounds like something you really want - I say go for it, and re-evaluate with your manager in 6 months if something isn't working out.

duchess0727

I say go for it.  I think working moms work faster and more efficiently than anyone else.  We have too much to do to waste time.  As a result, you may find you can do the job in less hours than your predecessor or at least be flexible and maximize the time with your daughter.  Give yourself a chance to succeed!

vanverth

Would you feel guilty or think you were bad if you got this oppertunity and you had a penis?

bayraesmama

jennsher:

I am worried about the hours and expectation that I will have to be here 24/7 (I work in a hotel). I have been reassured that initially there will be some long hours but once we overhaul and rebuild the department it will be what I want it to be and that previous person in this position did not have a family and chose to be here all the time.

I work in a hotel too.  If I'm inferring the kind of position you are going for correctly, I could not imagine getting enough time with my DD, especially that first year.  The weekends and long nights would get to me.  Especially since if any of those 8 managers leave unexpectedly or have to be cut loose - the responsibility of their department would fall on your shoulders. Hospitality is different than a lot of careers in that the work is 24/7 and as much as your EC can sweet talk you - that's the reality.  I think it's amazing that you are being considered for a position like that, so really kudos for earning that respect!! But for me - I would want to rock that job and being a parent instead of feeling like I was half-assing both.

Just my $.02.

 

 

laurakaz13

You know you're not a bad mom if you take an amazing opportunity!  Go for it! 

sandstar10

I haven't posted here in a long time however your story sounds so similar to mine I just have to reply!  I went through a very similar situation in the hotel world when my LO was 8 months old.  I too was a manager and was offered a promotion to a Director role that I always dreamed about.  I had the same exact hesitations as you but went for it.  1 1/2 years later and I couldn't be happier and have found a happy balance!  I am challenged each day in my role and know the Director role has opened up so much more opportunity in the future that I didn't have before. It was great taking on that responsibility in a hotel where the staff knew me well and I had a great relationship with the management team. Although you will have more demands as a Director you probably will end up having increased flexibility.  I would absolutely recommend taking the chance on this opportunity, so glad I did    I had a few days that were tough but with my mom and DH's support got through.  To be honest the tough days were similar to tough days as a manager so really not that different    I hope you take the chance too!!  

 

Good Luck! 

groovygrl

Like the others, I think (particularly given you are in a position to be able to quit/leave and not impact your family's finances in a way that would be extremely difficulty) that you probably would 'what if' yourself for a long time if you don't try it out. Since they couldn't fill it & they approached you, what  about negotiating a 6 month trial? I know they probably have to fill your current position but if there is any room for negotiation... and as others have said, you can always leave if the 'dream' is different than the reality. I say be completely honest w/ them about the concerns, what you think is realistic so everyone is on the same page from the get go. As for missing bedtime... you clearly don't live in my house b/c I would gladly take morning over bedtime any day of the week and I now relish the once in awhile nights when I have something that requires MH to have to deal w/ the nighttime routine alone. LOL!!!!!

I also am in a similar situation where I have a nice job w/ amazing flexibility, low stress, I'm comfortable in it, etc. I was approached about a position that is a more traditional job in terms of hours/flexibility but would be a new role for me which is great in that I think it would expand my skill set, challenge me, set me up for future possibilities should we have to move again, etc. However at the same time I lose the amazing flexibility (she assures me it is still relatively flexible but who knows), I will have a learning curve to contend with which would result in longer hours & stress in the first year. Not to mention...I'm a little afraid of not being good at it or living up to the expectations (it is a title & role change for a pre-existing position so there are big 'plans' for the vision, etc) I technically could probably go back to my current role if it didn't work out but honestly that would be sort of embarrassing for me & I probably wouldn't do it.

So I feel you and every job & situation is different, but purely based on your post & the rarity of this type of role in the city you actually live in, I think you will always wonder what would have happened & kick yourself. GL!

KL777

I say go with your instinct.  Your dream job will still be there in a few years.  Our child/ren are only this age once.

jamiedsgirl

It would all depend on the hours and the availability of your husband.  My husband's hours sound more like yours - he works late almost every night (so doesn't see DS at night), but he takes care of all morning activities and daycare drop off.  I think we both feel like we have a balanced day.

jennsher

Thank you so much for all the insight!! I am so thankful to all of you for your pro's and con's!!

It has really made me look at it in a different light and I am getting really excited about this opportunity!

I have voiced my concerns to our HR team and as some of you mentioned, by being a Director in this role, I will have a more flexible schedule as I am pretty much my own boss.

I love my daughter and husband more than anything and I know that I will do what I need to do to make sure I am home and spending time with her as much as I can. It will just be a balance!

 

Thanks so much again and for giving some insight to a lurker and non big poster