How do you handle exchanges?
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DS is 2 1/2. He spends quite a bit of time (but not 50/50 yet) with his BD. Lately he has been having trouble with exchanges. Every time BD picks him up he cries and screams that he wants to stay with mommy (me). I used to try to prep him for visits by reminding him that he would be spending the night with daddy, they'll have fun together, his dad loves him, I bet they'll go home and eat dinner, etc. That used to help but now it just makes him super clingy and needy. He will say all day that he wants to stay with mommy. When he comes home from BD he's totally fine. He's happy and doesn't cry at all. He usually tells me that he had fun with BD. I'm not sure what the deal is or how to help him.
I should add that in recent weeks BD has become very aggressive and combative with me. We are currently arguing about some changes re: DS. Our attorneys are trying to hash that out. I've never said anything bad about his dad to him and try to shield him from anything negative but I'm not sure BD does the same.
ETA: I'm in the process of making an appointment with a counselor who specializes in kids after divorce but thought I'd ask here too since you gals have btdt.
Re: How do you handle exchanges?
Is he the only child between you and your ex?
Is it possible to talk/email/text the BD and let him know what is going on. Maybe suggest he bring a favorite stuffed animal, balloon, something like that to pick up due to the young age?
That is so heartbreaking. I hope it is just a phase and he grows out of it quickly.
He is the only child. I've tried to talk to BD but unfortunately it doesn't work well. It always ends up in a long rant where he bashes and insults me - even if it's e-mail or a text. He won't even tell me if DS is upset for 5 seconds or the entire time he's with him
I think it's just a phase since he seems like he has fun after the fact and he just started doing this after being fine for months. It just sucks to see him like that.
This is perfectly normal. Nearly every kid goes through a phase where they do not want to be separated from their mommy. Those that spend a good amount of time with their grandma's will also usually go through a phase where they cry about leaving grandma's even though its mommy picking them up.
You know there is nothing to worry about b/c he comes back from dad's fine and says he had fun. This isn't about anything that is happening there.
I know that doesn't make it any less heartbreaking when LO is crying for you and clinging to you-remembering my LO doing this 7 years ago brings tears to my eyes-but keep telling yourself it is normal.
My guess is that he's done crying before he's even out of the driveway most times.
Also, think how awful it is from his dad's point of view!
My SD used to do the same thing except opposite. She would cry when BM was coming to pick her up, and wanted to stay with us. This was back when we only had her EOWE (we now have EOW) - I think it had to do with the attention (or lack of) that she was getting at her mom's house... now that we took her back to court and got 50/50 mom kind of had a wake up call and started being more attentive to her childs needs... Now she doesnt cry at all with either one of us..
SO... after that back story... it would make me wonder what he is not getting over there that he wants to stay with you... if it is just different parenting styles, or attention, etc... BUT BD SHOULD TELL YOU how long he is crying and such... in fact, it is probably mandated in your parenting plan... we have a clause that says something about the right and duty to talk with the other parent regarding the welfare of the child... i would definitely consider if he is crying all day the welfare of the child...
Honestly, I know that trying to get information about how long he's upset will just cause more problems for us. I don't think anything short of going in front of a judge would compel BD to tell me. It sucks but it is what it is. I just heard back from a counselor and will be seeing her tomorrow. Hopefully she'll have some tips to make transitions easier on DS.
As far as the transitions go, and I'm sure the counselor will say the same thing (though she might have more ideas too) keep doing what you're doing. Keep talking it up and getting LO excited about going. Talk to him about what he likes to do with daddy, toys/food/playground, anything that has a chance of sparking that positive anticipation. It might not make the crying stop, but I have a feeling the crying is harder on you than on little one right now.
Keep up the good work, mama!
K did the same thing when she was that age. She would cry and throw a fit when my husband would pick her up, and then she would cry and throw a fit when it was time to go back to BM's. Kids at that age don't like change. We got K a calendar and put pink flowers for the days she was with BM, and blue flowers for the days she was with us. The other thing that worked really well for us was having K pick out a book before going back to BM's, and that was the book we would read together when we picked her back up. At pick up she would look at me and say, "Time for 'Tea With Ruby'?" Giving her something to look forward to helped a lot.
Granted, these are the things my husband and I did. BM made zero effort to ease the transitions. My suggestion to you (if you're not already doing this) is to give your son a hug, say goodbye and then go back in the house. Don't entertain the tantrums or crying. It's just like when kids start daycare: they cry and freak out when the parents are leaving, but as soon as the door is shut the kids are just fine. Your son won't feel abandoned or think you don't care about his feelings. If all else fails, maybe try changing the exchanges to a nearby park. That way your son will be busy playing and you and BD can quickly tag each other in and there won't be a big production.
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My SS used to do this and still does once in a while (although thats when he's being coddled...he's 4.5 now)...and i believe somebody actually enjoys that part of it but i feel bad for my DH during this time.(there have been times i just want to speak up and tell BM to stop the coddling and encourage him to come with BD, not apologize to him for leaving.) SS is always fine once he's in our car. But when he was around the age of 2.5 it was difficult because he was confused...and like i said, he was and still is at times coddled during these moments, and i'm not saying you do that but from being an outsider watching from the car, I only see that hurting the child more.
I always thought maybe switching up the way picks ups were done would help but we never tried. Maybe instead of BD coming to get him from you at your house, you guys could switch it up and try taking him to the others to drop him off. I don't know why, but I always thought that maybe if Dad wasn't coming to get him (from what was and has always been his original home) to take him somewhere new it'd be easier. And BM could bring him to BD so he was already out and away of the house.
We have a house now instead of small apt and its been a year and a half in our home (we also have them almost 50% of the time) and they call it their home also. Not 2nd home or Dads house...but their home, because they have 2 homes. Just time and patience will probably do the job and maybe a couple little tweaks here and there. Just gotta try things out i think to see what works best for your DS.
I think this idea is awesome. Just think of a clause about where it will take place when there's inclement weather.
OP, it seems like you're doing an awesome job, keep it up!
Maybe when you talk to BD you can acknowledge how hard it must be for him to see his son so upset, to create some goodwill.
"I'm sorry DS has been getting so upset at pick up time. I hope you know that I want him to have a good relationship with you. I know he is happy to have spent time with you when he comes home. I am hoping we can ease these transitions for him. Would it be okay with you if I drop him off to you, at the same time of course, and then you drop him off to me?"
Sometimes it's all about the frame you put around it.
DS used to have a problem with exchanges after boundaries were set with exH and he couldn't stop by whenever he wanted to see DS. By law, he is allowed every other weekend and one day a week, but he only sees him one day (Sunday) for a couple of hours. This is his choice, and it's ultimately better that DS not be around him more anyway. I'm okay with this, and exH is okay with this.
Luckily, we had a dissolution, where everything was agreed upon. ExH didn't even have an attorney... it was only me who did, because I filed the petition to end the marriage. So while I don't have to have attorneys hashing out details, we have had our set of arguments since the divorce. (i.e, he couldn't understand boundaries and why he wasn't allowed a key to my house so he could "have access to DS")
Exchanges themselves have gotten easier with time. DS used to be pretty excited when BD showed up but would want me to come with them. He'd cry but seem conflicted because he wanted to stay with me, but also wanted to go with his dad. Then, when he came home, he wouldn't want his dad to leave, and he would cry and cry and cry. It would take a while to settle down.
Now that he's a little older, he knows he sees his dad on Sundays and that is their "special day." He waves bye to me, tells me he loves me and off they go. When exH returns him, he's happy to be home, kisses his dad and says, "Daddy go night night in his bed."
Have you asked BD if their routine has changed? I wonder how much time he is actually paying attention to DS and maybe DS doesn't feel tended to? (I'm not saying he's neglected) If BD is aggressive with you, perhaps DS can pick up on the tension that he has built up and it makes him feel uncomfortable?
We started to have some real problems at exchanges in the past year. We talked to SD's counselor about it and got some interesting feedback. She said that it can be hard for kids to process the sadness of leaving one parent with the happiness of seeing the other. They tend to see things as black/white, and it can be hard for kids to handle conflicting emotions.
For this and other reasons, we started doing transitions at school/daycare. The parent with the kids drops them off in the AM, and the oncoming parent picks them up after school/daycare. Its been immensely helpful. I think that SD's were really perceptive and could tell that there were issues between DH and BM even though they both tried to hide it. Minimizing their time together is helpful for all involved.
The only problem that this has created is the that the kids don't always have the clothing/shoes that the other parent wants (since you can't send them to school with a bag of clothes). It takes some planning to work around that and that can be handled far away from the kids.
DH is long distance NCP so we get them for summer break and alternating holidays. When they were younger, they would cry both ways. They would cry when leaving BM to come to our house and at the end of the summer all four of us would cry taking them back to BM. They grew out of it as they got older, I can't remember the last time anyone cried going either way. So I don't have much advice for now but with my SDs it seemed to be age related.
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I always do the same exchange routine. I take him outside, give him a hug, remind him how much fun he'll have, say bye, and walk away. It takes under a minute. I figure staying would make it worse and take away BD's opportunity to parent. I'm pretty sure it's something that's worse when I'm in eye sight.
It looks like this has all been a moot point though. BD admitted he'd never be civil to me and doesn't want to ever see me again so it looks like his exchanges will be supervised. I'll drop DS off at a supervised visitation center then BD will pick him up 15 minutes later. Kind of excessive imo but hey if it makes it easier on DS and removes the opportunity for BD to be inappropriate towards me then I guess it's worth it.
That sounds very unfortunate. We do a public drop off/pick up location. Same one everytime. A small convenient store located between both residences and its always quite busy so the back of the parking lot is our spot. We only do this because of an incident involving BM and my DH where he had to call the police and have a report written up a domestic abuse case on her. (He never filed charges due to this affecting her job and ultimately affecting the children. At that point i don't think he was worried about her and her job. just the welfare of the kids.)
But this location keeps the kids from wanting to play on playgrounds, we had also thought about a local mcdonalds lot but then we figure that could cause whining for happy meals also....
Hopefully in the future you will be able to resolve differences and just make sure things are easy for EVERYONE involved. And keep everything documented in emails if possible!