XP from parenting- need help with DS behavior issues

MirandaHobbes

I'll try to keep this short: DS is 4 years old. Only child. Daycare full-time. Diagnosed pdd-nos (autism) and is "higher functioning" although I don't think (though I'm not certain) that his recent behaviors are driven by his ASD, but I can never be certain.

I'm seeing emerging behaviors that DS is developing wicked "only child syndrome." This weekend my Mom was here and DS was acting awful- telling Grandma to go home, saying he didn't like her, refusing to give her hugs.  My mom was appalled at the whole thing and later called my sister to complain about how we let him get away with murder. DS does the same thing to me- if DH is around he'll refuse to get near me sometimes ("no, daddy do it!"), and will sometimes tell me to "go back to the office". I'll tell him to put on his shoes and he'll whine and fuss and cry saying he "can't" (when he can)- yesterday we had a massive blowup about it and as usual I finally give in and put his shoes on for him because we're going to be late for work. He has done this with other family members - it's always the ones that are very close to him, and always women (i.e. he doesn't do this to Grandpa). When DH and I (or Grandma and I) are speaking it's obvious this annoys him and he'll get two inches from my face saying "mommymommymommymommy"- if I ask him to wait patiently he'll throw a fit and stomp around.

As usual I'm having a hard time framing an actual question here. Basically I'm just really at a loss as to how to "force" him to nice to the people I know he loves dearly. His sassiness is a product of DH and I being too lax about not making him do things for himself. I was thinking of creating a "chore" chart so he has some responsibilities like putting away dirty clothing, feeding the cats, brushing his teeth. etc. Just curious if others have been through this and could share what worked for them. Thanks-

bumpuser511563

Our Behavioral therapist recommended something like this. We went to a teacher store and got a poster with a grid to put stickers on it for each task. We then laminated it and got dry erase markers to write each task.

I wrote DS's routine during school days and his routine on the weekends.

The first month was a bust because he did not care for stickers. After about 3 months of starting the sticker chart he was much better and more ambitious about getting stickers.

Even adding a behavioral therapist to your DS's team may help your family.

finsup

MirandaHobbes:

I'll try to keep this short: DS is 4 years old. Only child. Daycare full-time. Diagnosed pdd-nos (autism) and is "higher functioning" although I don't think (though I'm not certain) that his recent behaviors are driven by his ASD, but I can never be certain.

I'm seeing emerging behaviors that DS is developing wicked "only child syndrome." This weekend my Mom was here and DS was acting awful- telling Grandma to go home, saying he didn't like her, refusing to give her hugs.  My mom was appalled at the whole thing and later called my sister to complain about how we let him get away with murder. DS does the same thing to me- if DH is around he'll refuse to get near me sometimes ("no, daddy do it!"), and will sometimes tell me to "go back to the office". I'll tell him to put on his shoes and he'll whine and fuss and cry saying he "can't" (when he can)- yesterday we had a massive blowup about it and as usual I finally give in and put his shoes on for him because we're going to be late for work. He has done this with other family members - it's always the ones that are very close to him, and always women (i.e. he doesn't do this to Grandpa). When DH and I (or Grandma and I) are speaking it's obvious this annoys him and he'll get two inches from my face saying "mommymommymommymommy"- if I ask him to wait patiently he'll throw a fit and stomp around.

As usual I'm having a hard time framing an actual question here. Basically I'm just really at a loss as to how to "force" him to nice to the people I know he loves dearly. His sassiness is a product of DH and I being too lax about not making him do things for himself. I was thinking of creating a "chore" chart so he has some responsibilities like putting away dirty clothing, feeding the cats, brushing his teeth. etc. Just curious if others have been through this and could share what worked for them. Thanks-

Well, you recognize this issue, so cut it out!

Seriously - if you are not consistent both individually and as a team, enforcing the rules, then he'll continue this path.  The reason he does it around people he knows well is because he knows exactly what he can get away with around them.  He knows the louder and more violently he protests, the more likely you are to give in. NT kids need consistent discipline and so to ASD kids, even more so.

The chore chart could help all of you frame what the rules are and how you will reward for them. 

Choices work well for my DS.  He gets a sense of power / control over things. "would you like Mommy or Daddy to help you put on your shoes?"  "would you like your sandwich cut into squares or trianges?"  "would you like green beans or carrots".  When he was younger they were simple, as he gets older it gets more complex, but he still gets to choose what he wants within reason. 

And we talk about good choices vs.  bad choices.  My DS is well aware what a good choice is and what a bad choice is.  Sometimes, reminding him that he is in a situation to make a good choice will stop him in his tracks and redirect him.  Other times, it isn't until after that he realizes that he didn't make a good choice.

I think the first step for you is reeling in the inconsistency and setting up ground rules that you and DH can enforce and going from there.  GL! 

bumpuser511563

finsup is right. You need to crack down on the things he can already do and make your DS do those things.

DH did this to our DS. And I followed DH's lead.

Karalyn44

To tack on to finsup's advice (which is spot on), you can fully expect to see an increase in your DS's behavior before you see an improvement. He is behaving this way because he knows it works, and when it stops working, he's going to escalate the behavior to try to get those same results. Stay consistent and calm, and as much as possible, ignore the behavior that you don't want to continue. If it's something truly dangerous (aggression, climbing furniture, etc), calmly stop him, but don't engage him in the process. You would also be well served by picking one or two battles to focus on at a time. Address the most glaring issues first, then start tackling the smaller stuff. The chore chart is a good idea, but make sure you start with only a few responsibilities otherwise it can be overwhelming.

As for what's worked for us: DH and I agreeing on how we will address issues and remaining consistent even when it's not convenient has been the biggest key to success. Choices work well for my DS, too-- he wants to be in control of everything, so allowing him to choose between two acceptable options where either one accomplishes what I need it to eliminates some of the struggle (note I said some and not all, LOL). It is also essential for me not to let him drag out the battle; he could argue and negotiate with me all day long about the most mundane details, so I offer him a choice and if he refuses to choose, I give him a count from 5 down to 1, at which point I will choose for him.

I also can't recommend highly enough that you look into at least having a consultation with a behavior analyst. ABA can be pricey and is not always covered by insurance, but many analysts (at least the ones that I have worked with and spoken to) are willing to come into your home and help you put together a behavior plan that you can implement on your own.

MirandaHobbes

Thanks for the advice- I know I needed to hit the "reboot" button with regards to our discipline measures. We went through this last winter after Christmas vacation kinda screwed up our routine. His public school starts again tomorrow, so he'll be re-entering some familier routine.

I'm still sortof perplexed over the whole "I hate Grandma" thing- my Mom sees him like once a month at most and they usually get along great.

And the behavior therapist is worth looking into. I've voiced my concerns numerous times to our OT, ST, dev. pedi, and his regular daycare teachers. They haven't seen the behavior issues we have at home so haven't been much help.

ntyravgmom

ITA! I find that Auntie is spot on regarding social questions. Clear expectations are key and everyone's feelings can absolutely affect your child's. My eldest went through a phase where he didn't want anything to do with both his grandmother and great-grandmother (before great-grandmother passed). We set proper expectations, while also giving him choices and consequences. For example, we expected him to at least come out of his room to greet them and spend a little time with them. We didn't and still don't push hugs. Family members know to ask if they can have a hug, but not take it personally if he just doesn't feel like it at that time. He's not the type of person who enjoys hugs or being smothered over. The more time he spends with his extended family and the more respect he is given, the more apt he is to give a hug if asked. Would you want to hug a virtual stranger who doesn't seem to respect you or your feelings? Just my 2 cents.

kyethra

I agree with the above message.  As an ABA provider, I can also suggest a couple of things on your sticker chart.  This could become a taken system where a certain number of stickers or checks can be redeemed for something your child values such as a certain amount of time playing computer games or with a certain toy or doing an activity.  He would earn that by showing good behaviors that are defined clearly like putting shoes on without whining or objecting within 1 minute of first being asked.  Or saying hellow to visitiors, etc.  Video modeling can also help to show what you want him to demonstrate.  Just make sure there aren't sensory issues that are you overlooking like shoes pinch or grandma hugs too tightly, etc. 

And also, a reminder that you want to teach him to act respectfully, not to respect people.  Sometimes people get this confused-- they say they want kids to respect them when in reality we really don't care so much if they actually respect us-- we just want what one can consider respectful behavior.