Sperm donation

JennyP9

Hi ladies,

 We are in the thick of things with adoption, but I just started thinking about sperm donation as well.  In our case, it is mostly male infertility.  I have hypothyroidism, but that is it, and a mild case at that.

 I don't want to suggest sperm donation if it would hurt my husband. He feels bad enough that it is his 'fault' we can't have a baby.  But at the same time, what it is works the first time? What if we get pregnant right away?  Would the joy of that outweigh any feelings that it is not 'his' baby?  Since we are looking to adopt anyway, would that make things easier?

 Has anyone else considered or gone through sperm donation?  I would love to hear about others experiences.

Thanks!

 Jenny

Dr.Loretta

I would XP this on the IF or Success After IF boards. I know at least one momma there did donor eggs, there may be a donor sperm experience or 2.

I'm curious, is there any reason you didn't explore this before you started the adoption process? Or would you consider doing both at once?

JennyP9

Great idea, thanks! My hubby has had a hard time with the fact that it is 'his fault,' as he says. Nothing I say can really change that. I may have thought of it before, but he definitely wouldn't have been in the right place mentally to deal with it. We've both had to process things to decide adoption was right for us, and now, it is not so foreign to think that his child could have a different biological father. But at the same time, would it hurt him that I get to be the bio-mom, and he doesn't get to be the bio-dad? Just not sure. Posting to the other board now.

BostonLove11

JennyP9:

Great idea, thanks! My hubby has had a hard time with the fact that it is 'his fault,' as he says. Nothing I say can really change that. I may have thought of it before, but he definitely wouldn't have been in the right place mentally to deal with it. We've both had to process things to decide adoption was right for us, and now, it is not so foreign to think that his child could have a different biological father. But at the same time, would it hurt him that I get to be the bio-mom, and he doesn't get to be the bio-dad? Just not sure. Posting to the other board now.

I'm going to be very honest.  When we were struggling with IF, since it was "my fault" I thought about donor eggs and just couldn't wrap my head around a child that was biologically my husband's and not mine.  I felt 100% more comfortable with adoption.  Perhaps I am selfish? 

sarahtoledo

BostonLove11:

JennyP9:

Great idea, thanks! My hubby has had a hard time with the fact that it is 'his fault,' as he says. Nothing I say can really change that. I may have thought of it before, but he definitely wouldn't have been in the right place mentally to deal with it. We've both had to process things to decide adoption was right for us, and now, it is not so foreign to think that his child could have a different biological father. But at the same time, would it hurt him that I get to be the bio-mom, and he doesn't get to be the bio-dad? Just not sure. Posting to the other board now.

I'm going to be very honest.  When we were struggling with IF, since it was "my fault" I thought about donor eggs and just couldn't wrap my head around a child that was biologically my husband's and not mine.  I felt 100% more comfortable with adoption.  Perhaps I am selfish? 

I felt the same way.  I was okay with the idea of my sister donating eggs, but not okay with any other donated eggs.  I felt kind of selfish, but it's how I felt.  Interestingly, if things were reversed, MH wouldn't have a problem with donor sperm.  I think it's worth a discussion, for sure. 

Dr.Loretta

At this point I'd just ask him. The worst he's going to say is no, and tell you why.

csmith2249

Welcome to my world! My husband has children through a previous marriage and had a vasectomy. We looked into reversal but it was too expensive and not likely to work. IVF would be an option to have a baby that was both biologically ours, but again, the money involved played a huge factor. 

I tossed out the idea of sperm donation to my husband after reading someone's story on another forum. I was actually the one who said, "I could never do that!" and he was (surprisingly) okay with it! Unfortunately, even with a really great donor, we have tried several times to get pregnant through IUI and been unsuccessful. But we are still hoping it will happen someday!

We are pursuing adoption at the same time because we desperately want a baby. We had already decided, due to the cost and difficulty getting pregnant, that baby #2 would be through adoption so we wouldn't have to go through the medical procedures a second time. So we switched it a bit and maybe baby #1 will come to us through adoption!

I think what helped is that, while we looked at donors together, I had my husband make the final decision and he picked a donor who has a lot of the same physical features and interests as he does. I think that helped him feel more "involved" in the process, even if it his not his sperm.  

IRR

BostonLove11:

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I'm going to be very honest.  When we were struggling with IF, since it was "my fault" I thought about donor eggs and just couldn't wrap my head around a child that was biologically my husband's and not mine.  I felt 100% more comfortable with adoption.  Perhaps I am selfish? 

This.

We never found out who the real issue was, but most likely more me and I was not for donor eggs or a surrogate.  I am much happier with the adoption route knowing that the child will not be from either or us.

JennyP9

Unfortunately, the talk didn't go well.  He is definitely not able to deal mentally with it being 'my baby' but not his.  I totally respect his decision, and so we are sticking with adoption 100%.  Nothing really has changed, just made us more determined to get out there, spread the word, etc.

 Thanks again for all the input

MauidAims

Hi!  Not sure this helps but we are on the opposite side. It is me who has low ovarian reserve.  We were told to do donor egg and could use my husbands sperm.  My sister even offered her eggs but for me it was too hard to think that the child would not be biologically mine BUT was DHs.  Its just a gut feeling for me and I in no way shape or form would want to subconsciously treat the child different and didnt want to take the chance of doing just that. Even with my sisters eggs, I was afraid.  However, adoption seems like the thing for us and makes me excited to think about. really excitied!  I encourage you to talk with DH and REALLY think about it and maybe try counseling to get to the core of it. For me and I KNOW this sounds crazy and SO SO stupid to most but I would feel like DH "cheated" on me if we used a DE or my sisters. Soooo stupid, I know, but at least I am very clear on my feelings. lol

MauidAims

BostonLove11:

JennyP9:

Great idea, thanks! My hubby has had a hard time with the fact that it is 'his fault,' as he says. Nothing I say can really change that. I may have thought of it before, but he definitely wouldn't have been in the right place mentally to deal with it. We've both had to process things to decide adoption was right for us, and now, it is not so foreign to think that his child could have a different biological father. But at the same time, would it hurt him that I get to be the bio-mom, and he doesn't get to be the bio-dad? Just not sure. Posting to the other board now.

I'm going to be very honest.  When we were struggling with IF, since it was "my fault" I thought about donor eggs and just couldn't wrap my head around a child that was biologically my husband's and not mine.  I felt 100% more comfortable with adoption.  Perhaps I am selfish? 

Boston, just read your post after I posted. I feel the same way! It was refreshing to see Im not alone with that thought even though I wish I didnt think like that. lol