Frustrated with DH...

WVUPetunia

Okay, this is mostly a long rambling vent, but maybe someone will have some similar experience, and we can help each other...  So here we go.

DH had always been an overachiever, and he always takes on too much.  So this fall (and summer), he decided to take on coaching his high school's girl's soccer team on top of teaching, taking graduate classes, and having a baby on the way.  It's a huge time suck.  They practiced for a few hours a day five days a week during the summer, and now they have games and practices.

On a home game night, like tonight, here's how his day goes.  He leaves the house at 6:30 a.m. and it takes him about 40 minutes to get to the school.  He teaches all day.  The game is at 6, so there's really no point in going home, so he tries to work on lesson plans or whatever until time to get ready for the game.  The game lasts about an hour and a half, then they have to clean up the field, etc.  So by the time they do that, he drives home, and picks up some food (because I've already eaten), it's at least 9, and he is exhausted.  On a non-game day, they practice right after school, and he's home a little after I am (5:30 or so).  However, on those days, he has to catch up on school work and lesson planning and whatever else he couldn't do on game days.

My frustration is that we moved into our house in February.  The nursery is almost finished, fortunately, and my mom and dad are helping me with the rest of what needs to be done.  There are still boxes in the garage I would love to unpack before LO arrives.  He doesn't have the time or the energy to do the things that need to be done around the house, and I try to be understanding to a point and pitch in more to make up for it...  But there are things I'm not supposed to do like mow grass or empty litter boxes.  And the grass grows and the cats crap regardless of how much he works, so when he says he's tired and can't do it, they just get put off until they get out of control.  It drives me crazy, then we argue about it because we're both frustrated...  It's like we have the same argument over and over.  I feel like I'm doing all of the housework and trying to get ready for the baby, and I'm really getting too worn out to do it on my own.

I'm not mad at HIM, really, except for the fact that he took on too much.  He does make money for coaching that we have saved for LO's daycare and my maternity leave.  But I'd rather just have him home!  I get lonely being by myself all the time and frustrated with how the house looks.  I was hoping we'd have a little more time to enjoy our last weeks of being a couple without kids.  Not that I thought we'd eat chocolate covered strawberries by the fire every night or something, lol, but that we'd at least have some time to talk and enjoy each other before our lives change drastically and permanently.  I feel like it's only going to get worse, too, because the classes he's taking have really just started.

Sorry, that was a ridiculously long rant.  Is anyone else having an issue like this? 

persephonerose

My only complaint sounds kind of stupid now. DH has been talking about painting the nursery for a month now. He sort of took over designing and planning out the nursery but he has done absolutely nothing to get the room ready.  I've been working on side projects, quilt for when the baby is older ect. But I need to finish some of the items for the nursery like curtains and such and I cannot do that until he picks out paint colors.

I'm feeling overwhelmed because time is going by much faster it seems. 

jg1011

You are not wrong and neither is he. It's the circumstance that stinks! My DH travels for work. He leaves on Mondays and doesn't get home till Thursday evening most of the time. He is exhausted when he gets home as he doesn't sleep well in hotels. This translates to Friday being a lost day because after he works (home office day) to catch up on a ton of paperwork and set travel for the following week. He's sleeping by 9 or 10 and I find myself steaming bc I've been alone all week and want to spend time, talk, do something together. Then, he golfs (Sat in summer) or has football (Season tix or just watching games on Sundays Fall or Winter). I can't begrudge him his down time as he works hard for us but it IS frustrating. I am doing so much on my own. Now that I am getting ready to head back to work for the school year, I will be doing both work and home stuff. I just try to remember that his travel/work schedule benefits us and we work hard to spend quality time on Sat nights. 

 Hopefully things improve for you once Soccer season ends. I don think classes will as huge a time commitment as soccer.  

vnstacie

Sorry that really stinks! My H works crazy hours so that I can SAH with our LO, I'm alone with her a lot! For example... He got called to work at midnight, will work until tomorrow morning at probably 7am, sleeps in a hotel in another town until they call him back to work, where then he will work until about.. 5am and then he will come home and sleep! He is usually gone about 36hrs a trip. 

So, yes the house work suffers but I don't think it's nearly as important as the quality time we spend together when he's home. Our front yard, looked like a safari. Luckily we have no neighbors for 12 miles!!

Can you go to his games? Or bring him dinner before a game so you can spend time before the game? Can your dad maybe mow the lawn?

Just an idea.  

shutupanddance07

We have these problems in my house too, except I am the one who puts too much on their plate. I have this crazy inability to say no, and every time someone poses something that sounds like a fun challenge, I'm like "I can totally do that!". Then, DH ends up picking up all my slack and gets annoyed that he has do work all day and do all the chores because I wore myself out. Now that I'm done working and starting my new SAHM gig (a few months early, at DH's pleading request), I'm picking up things to keep me busy left and right. He's like... "Babe, there's gonna be a baby soon. Can you do all that on no sleep and take care of the baby?" And I think right now, it'll be fine. Until someone else asks me to do something else that sounds interesting...

WVUPetunia

jg1011:

You are not wrong and neither is he. It's the circumstance that stinks! My DH travels for work. He leaves on Mondays and doesn't get home till Thursday evening most of the time. He is exhausted when he gets home as he doesn't sleep well in hotels. This translates to Friday being a lost day because after he works (home office day) to catch up on a ton of paperwork and set travel for the following week. He's sleeping by 9 or 10 and I find myself steaming bc I've been alone all week and want to spend time, talk, do something together. Then, he golfs (Sat in summer) or has football (Season tix or just watching games on Sundays Fall or Winter). I can't begrudge him his down time as he works hard for us but it IS frustrating. I am doing so much on my own. Now that I am getting ready to head back to work for the school year, I will be doing both work and home stuff. I just try to remember that his travel/work schedule benefits us and we work hard to spend quality time on Sat nights. 

 Hopefully things improve for you once Soccer season ends. I don think classes will as huge a time commitment as soccer.  

Yeah, I think that you have phrased this well.  It's no one's "fault."  I guess some of my frustration is that in mid July and early August, he was just doing the practices three hours a day, so there was time in the day left to try to get some of the other things done (like unpacking boxes, taking care of this tree in our backyard that a storm took out, etc. before school started...  But that didn't happen, so, yeah...  He also worked a summer camp and went to France to train to take kids abroad next year this summer, so I think it's more that I'm just fed up and lonely.  What we need to do is talk about how we can have some "us" time and how we can take care of the house during a time when he hasn't just come home exhausted because that just gets us arguing.  Soccer will be over by mid-October, probably, because unfortunately, they're not very good and probably won't make the state championship or anything...  lol.

Class won't be as bad.  He can get overwhelmed with that too sometimes (he also has ADHD), but he's been taking classes for this or that constantly since I've known him, so it's not like he's a stranger to school. 

WVUPetunia

vnstacie:

Can you go to his games? Or bring him dinner before a game so you can spend time before the game? Can your dad maybe mow the lawn?

Just an idea.  

I've been to one so far, and I will probably go to a couple more that are closer to our city than the one the school is in.  I like the idea of bringing him dinner...  I think with my work schedule and the game schedule, I wouldn't get there in time for that most of the time, but I will check out the schedules.  

My dad has been a huge help, which is why I feel bad asking him to do anything else...  He is also going to start remodeling our bathroom soon and finishing our kitchen remodel (he's a great builder/DIYer whereas we know nothing).  If it gets too bad, I know he'll mow it, or maybe I could ask my MIL to get my FIL to help out... (My FIL tends to be a little lazy at times, but I think he'd help if he knew it was causing us a problem.) 

I just want to stop arguing.  There's no sense in arguing about our time together in the time that we do have together...  lol.  I went to bed mad last night (sometimes I've found that's better than trying to argue all night), and when he came to bed, I felt him hug me and the bump...  Then in the morning he did again, and said he was sorry, and made sure I was covered up and tucked in. (I don't have the heart to tell him that I kick the covers everywhere because I'm hot. lol) 

CurlyQ284

My DH has to travel a lot for work. He travels Monday Thursday and he never knows if he is going or where he is going until a week prior. Its frustrating being alone but he is going to arrange it with his boss to stay local in November so I try not to complain too much but it sucks.

karkissy09

I just wanted to add something. I work 60 hours a week3 of those are evenings at the dance/gumnastics studio. My mom is constantly questioning why I work therethe hours suck, it doesn't pay that great, keeps me away from DH and eventually from baby. However, for me, I absolutely LOVE it and its worth the extra time and stress. I've been there for 2 years and me and DH are just starting to really get into a good routine of things and the longer I work there, the better we learn to do things. Also, how long is their soccer season? And you always have weekends right? You can always pay some HS boy to mow the lawn. :

WVUPetunia

redwood807:

I understand your frustration and a new, sorry, is this your first?, baby makes it all the more stressful.  Just talk it out and see what you can come up with. Best of luck

Yup, it's our first...  I'm going to try to chill out a little.  It's bad too because I think I'm trying to nest, so I'm freaking out a bit over the state of our house.  Maybe in the evenings when he's busy, I'll see if I can get into some crafting or hanging out with some friends or some other "me time" luxuries that I won't have with a newborn.

But I'm sorry, he still has to scoop the friggen litter boxes.  Because ew.  lol.  We have four cats, and they fill up fast.  I tried to keep him company when he did it yesterday so at least I wasn't just banishing him to the garage to do chores, but by then we were already arguing, so...

WVUPetunia

karkissy09:

I just wanted to add something. I work 60 hours a week3 of those are evenings at the dance/gumnastics studio. My mom is constantly questioning why I work therethe hours suck, it doesn't pay that great, keeps me away from DH and eventually from baby. However, for me, I absolutely LOVE it and its worth the extra time and stress. I've been there for 2 years and me and DH are just starting to really get into a good routine of things and the longer I work there, the better we learn to do things. Also, how long is their soccer season? And you always have weekends right? You can always pay some HS boy to mow the lawn. :

I figure their last game will be in mid-October.  There are 14 games left.  We have some weekends because they do play on some Saturdays, but they don't play on Fridays because those are football game days.

I don't think he's really enjoying it, honestly.  At least not as much as he thought he was going to.  He was aware of the time commitment because he played sports in high school, but I don't think he realized how that would factor into life with working 40 minutes away, school, grad school, and a new baby...  But he's committed now, so we'll just have to get through it.  I'm hoping he is realizing this won't be the best commitment to make again once LO is here, and that he can still help out with the team here and there without taking on that extra title and commitment (he doesn't really seem to care about the pay aspect, though I admit it has helped us build some savings for LO).

I've thought of paying BIL to mow the lawn because he's currently job hunting, but I'd hate to spend money on something that we really don't need to spend it on right now...  If it gets to the point where I'm going absolutely crazy, though, I will.

sadsadie

I'm gonna be the unpopular voice on this board and say that your DH is not being very nice. It's not necessarily that he's actively trying to neglect you but...he certainly isn't listening to your concerns, and in the end, you and your house are being neglected. What makes it worse is that you can't have a good conversation about it and get him to understand. 

I might try writing him a letter with all of your feelings/concerns and giving that to him (since he can't seem to listen well). He needs to understand that he is badly needed at home (especially scooping those cat boxes. EW!) and that he needs to start preparing for the arrival of baby. As for how he can manage his schedule, I'm not sure...but the first step towards making things better is that you two improve the communication. 

Good luck!

WVUPetunia

Unpopular or not, you do make some valid points.  The house is important too, and just because there is soccer and school doesn't mean that it should be neglected.  I think a major step to improving communication would be to talk when I'm not already upset about something because if I'm already mad, the focus goes more to me being mad than what I'm actually mad about.  I think if that doesn't work, I'll try something written...  Actually, I think a calendar or schedule or something would help because where he has ADHD, he tends to be forgetful/absent minded, and writing things down or having them written in front of him really helps with that.