A better answer?
FutureMrsWittig
member
My MIL and I haven't been getting along for quite awhile now. A big sticking point between us is that she HATES SDs mom. She criticizes her to anyone who will listen even if BM is standing 10 feet away. She's been known to tell SD that "We don't live like slobs like your mother does..." etc... (which my DH has recently started trying to correct... he should have started a long time ago.)
I, on the other hand, go out of my way to be nice to BM and to work with her. I'm not ever going to say that my way is the only way or even that it's the "right way", but it's what works for us.
I really don't understand why this affects my MIL so much. She has written me a letter asking for an explanation of why I am the way I am toward SDs mom, but I don't "play nice" with her. I really want to tell her that my relationship with SDs mom is none of her business, it doesn't affect her, and I'm doing what I feel I need to do for my family. I want to tell her that never once has BM been as malicious toward me as MIL is. But I know that will just start WWIII. Is there a better answer? Or should I just ignore her?
Re: A better answer?
Just tell her it is easier on you & SD if you're civil. Tell her it reduces stress and ill feelings. Tell her that being nasty is not your style. Tell her you are modeling good citizenship and proper social skills for SD. Tell her that SD's mom has never given you a reason to behave otherwise. Tell her that being mean/nasty to/about BM will only make you look bad in SD's eyes.
Tell her any or all of these that you think may make her shut up or at least think for a minute. When she bothers you about it again then I would just change the subject in person and ignore letters about it.
It sucks that she feels the need to be so immature and malicious around your SD.
I think the bolded is the perfect answer. If MIL doesn't like it, too damn bad. It's not her place to try and dictate how the relationship or dealings with BM should be done. You don't owe anyone an explanation, except for the little girl who you're caring for. Only SD's opinion matters. If being nice and friendly with BM keeps SD happy and well-adjusted, then that's all that matters.
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools
I agree! When DH and I got married I actually invited SS's BM & fiance to our wedding because we are on good terms for SS and I consider her a friend as well. Not many people can have a relationship with DH that with stands his parents. When they, DH's parents/family, found out I had invited her they absolutely flipped out. Said she never did crap for SS or DH, that I should invite her mom but not her b/c her mom did more for SS than she did, etc. etc. I told them that my relationship with her was just fine, I was closer to her than to her mom, that she was a junior in high school when SS was born so of course her mom helped out but that in the end it was my wedding, I could invite whoever I wanted.
They are still pissed that she and I get along so well. Don't seem to understand that we really pull together when they start to interfere in my relationship with DH or SS. She gives me her side & always tells me she can't believe I put up with it because my in-laws are the reason she and DH didn't stay together.
I would not tell her it is none of her business because all of the reasons above are much better to actually explain it with hope that she might learn how to behave better around BM. I would add that you and BM might not be best friends but you will never be mean to or about the woman that gave birth to your SD and how hurtful it would be to SD if she ever heard you saying bad things about her Mother because she is 1/2 of SD and SD would likely think it makes her a bad person too.
Any of that.
I have a family member that will make comments in front of DS about BD every now and again. The comments are true, but they're negative. I just tell that person that they need to keep those comments, however true they may be, to them self.
Your MIL is kind of a bully isn't she?
I would simply say, "I find it much easier to try and get along with someone rather than carry a grudge or be hateful. Thank you for your input, but our way works and we will continue as we are for the sake and happiness of the kids. Either you support us, or you don't. It doesn't make a difference, but it would be nice if you'd respect our choice."
I know being blunt is touch, but I wouldn't put up with her crap.
Yes, bully is exactly the right word. And I'm thinking blunt is the only way to go from here...
I actually think being blunt is the only way to address this issue.
OP, I don't think MIL will take time to sit and think about the reasons you've given her. If your DH has already tried correcting her behavior and she still continues to bash BM, then she doesn't care to change her ways. The fact that she actually wrote to you asking you to explain why you're civil to BM shows that she doesn't understand and/or care that being a civil human being makes things easier for your SD.
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools