IVF-fundraiser ?

Mr&Mrs.D

Hello all, I've intro'd before but it was a while ago, so i will do a quick one. We have been trying since Oct 2010, went to RE after a year, found blocked tube, had it removed, then was told other tube was damaged and did not look promising at all, so IVF is my next step.

Ok, so once i got all this news and finally came to terms with it, i of course had to explain it to some close friends. They were all very supposrtive (side note, they all have kids, some are on their 2nd, so it was hard bc i know they dont truely know how this feels). The next thing i know, they are planning a fundraiser to help with the cost. As you all have said in previous posts, i dont have $16,000 laying around either, would be nice if i did, but dont. At first, i was very very against it, still kind of am, but i realize they just want to help.

So, my ?s for you all..... has anyone ever heard of or done this? pros? cons? did you have it before starting IVF? or after, so you had exact costs? emotions about people knowing?

again, im still on the fence about the whole thing, so any thoughts/suggestions/advice  would appreciated.

TIA!

MrsGlitteryHooks

It's definitately a tricky situation. My friends have said in passing "oh we should put together a spaghetti dinner to raise money for your treatments" but nothing has come of it.

Part of me says that "it's your infertility journey so you bear the financial burden". The other side says "if they want to help us that much, than let them. True friends help their friends out when times get tough".

In my opinion I think it's weird for me to ask my friends and family to donate money so I can have a shot at conceiving a child without the great financial burden. I wonder how it would be percieved by the entire group of friends. Some might be okay with it, but others might never come to another party at my house, for fear there will be a cover charge so I can pay for IVF.

I have seen on  my local news before that a couple was having a garage sale with the proceeds to go toward adoption costs. All the items in the sale were donated by their friends and family and friends and family worked the sale for them. That got some viewers also stopping by to donate anything they could to this young couple.

Best of luck to you whatever you decide.

RunningwithPearls

I would feel a little awkward about a beef and beer type thing being held for my treatment, but I like the garage sale idea! It helps you plus, it helps people clean out their clutter! 

Laurakat81

I think its a great thing that you're friends are doing this for you! The only similar story I've heard of is a local couple did a fundraiser to help them get the funds to adopt. But she made burp clothes and sold them as a way to earn extra money to put towards adoption costs. I don't know how much money she earned in the end but I do know that the amount of support she got was probably pretty overwhelming for her. People want to help. They often just don't know how. Good luck!

Blueyed228

I agree that its tricky, but I think that if they are the ones who want to throw it for you, then why not? 

I love the garage sale idea.

 

CousinVicki

yikes, i would never allow this to go through.  I would say if they want to contribute and pass on a gift directly to you, ok.. but a public fundraiser?  *shifting uncomfortably

caliblondieus

I think you have to do this very carefully. I wish so much that infertility was talked about more often and seen like other medical challenges where money needs to be raised and support needs to be given, but it's not. As another poster said, there is the expectation that you will just bear the financial burden.

But having said that, I think there are creative ways to try to raise money without being so direct as asking for it. When you do a dinner event as a fundraiser, I think people feel weird if they don't want to give money or just can't. You're waiting for them to reply "yes, I'll be there" and when they blatantly don't, it's like, "Well, don't you care about me trying to have a child?" But if you do something like a garage sale where you ask people to donate unused items to help you raise money, if they don't feel comfortable with it, they can just say they don't have any items to give and leave it at that. Or the only people that are responding to you are those that have items.

I don't know if this makes sense but I'm just thinking of the psychology of it. This disease already separates us from so many of our friends and leaves us wondering why people don't understand and why they aren't more sensitive. Don't set yourself up any more than you have to and find yourself questioning people's motives. "Why isn't she coming to the dinner? Doesn't she care?" 

Another option might be a bake sale or have friends donate items to be sold on Etsy. Every little bit helps. But overall, it's going to be challenging to raise the kind of money you need for what is basically a medical procedure. We have to be realistic that it isn't perceived like cancer where people are going to come out in droves to financially support you. 

Best of luck,

Cali

Mr&Mrs.D

 I was very unsure of the responses i was going to get. As i am still a little uncomfortable with the whole thing. I think the thought of people helping me is 1 thing, but the fact that it means people will know im going through ivf is tough too. As said previously, IVF isnt something most people talk about, but here i am sharing it with friends of friends. I'm not ashamed of it, just wish more people knew what it meant, so i dont feel so alienated and judged. Maybe this will make people more aware, who knows!

I think I'm just going to stay out of the whole thing, if they follow through with something, great, if not, I loooved the garage sale idea, not to mention, i have a TON of stuff to get rid of, so thanks for sharing that!

 Thanks girls!!!

Raggedy1

CousinVicki:

yikes, i would never allow this to go through.  I would say if they want to contribute and pass on a gift directly to you, ok.. but a public fundraiser?  *shifting uncomfortably

This.  If your family or very close friends want to gift you some money then I'd say I'm enthusiastically for it, but to invite people to a fundraiser? Hmmm, not so sure about that one.  Isn't this stressful enough? Do you need banners an flyers distributed telling people about not only your reproductive needs but your financial situation?   

MBfromBMC

This is a tough situation and even though I do not have a similar experience, my opinion is informed by my current situation.

Long story short, IVF was a complete financial impossibility for me and DH, so we received some money from family to help out. My family can barely afford it either, but they felt that it was important to help us. During IVF #1, I kept them in the loop about what was going on and as much as they were supportive, it was even more painful when it was a BFN. We just used the last of the money (made up of the gift funds and our savings) for this FET and this time we opted not to tell anyone the details of the cycle. That way, they won't be wondering each day and we either break the bad news on our own time or surprise them with good news on our terms.

My point is, the more others are involved in treatments, particularly in financing them, the more painful it can be when it doesn't work, which is always a risk. I really don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but having lived through it, it's worth thinking about. Obviously, your friends are loving, caring people who are offering a wonderful thing for you. Just make sure to think about how much of the journey you would like to share with others and how much they will want to know.

(((huge hugs))) and GL with whatever you decide. It sounds like you have really wonderful friends!!

firemansflame

Mr&Mrs.D:

 I was very unsure of the responses i was going to get. As i am still a little uncomfortable with the whole thing. I think the thought of people helping me is 1 thing, but the fact that it means people will know im going through ivf is tough too. As said previously, IVF isnt something most people talk about, but here i am sharing it with friends of friends. I'm not ashamed of it, just wish more people knew what it meant, so i dont feel so alienated and judged. Maybe this will make people more aware, who knows!

I think I'm just going to stay out of the whole thing, if they follow through with something, great, if not, I loooved the garage sale idea, not to mention, i have a TON of stuff to get rid of, so thanks for sharing that!

 Thanks girls!!!

I think you might also consider the increased pressure you might feel.  People have no tact and may feel like they can ask you more questions than you would be comfortable with because - hey I gave you money.  Personally the less people who know I'm going through a treatment the better - that way I have less bad news to pass on when it doesn't work and can choose to break good news in my own time.  Good luck with whatever you decide.

JgButtahz

I think it depends on how you go about it. If it is something amongst close friends and family, go for it. However, I don't think having it be a community thing is good personally. There is a couple in the town I live in going through inferility issues who are having a community fundraiser to raise the money for treatments. They are starting to act super entitled, saying its a charity when its just in fact them. I honestly do not agree with something like that at all. if they were donating to a charity that helps all infertile couples, then yeah Id be fine..but this no..