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Multiples
mamatotwins0812
member
Falling apart
mamatotwins0812
member
in Multiples
I am not even a frequent poster so I am even feeling guilty about posting a vent but I really nesometime outlet where others (hopefully) understood. I just feel like I am falling apart at the seams. Up until now I feel like I had it pretty together, but as th days go on I just feel like I'm falling further and further behind. I'm getting no sleep which I know no new mom gets, but it's starting to really take its toll on me emotionally. I am at the brink of not producing enough milk for my boys and am literally pumping bottle to bottle which has me frustrated, anxious, resentful, exhausted and disappointed. I just had a breakdown because I realized I'm not even finding the time to give baths 2 times a week. I get to it once a week if I'm lucky, and I cringe at the thought of doing it because my LO screams bloody murder and it's the most awful experience for everyone. I'm just feeling like such a bad mom. They were screaming earlier and all i could think was what i would give to just even go sit in my car for a minute of silence. My LO makes noises all day and all night. It keeps me up even when I am getting sleep. I hate to admit this too but my dh hardly helps at all. I love him dearly but he's always said he isn't good at the infant stage. He doesn't seem to get their needs so I am always swooping in to finish the job. We are blessed with me being able to stay home with them, at least for the foreseeable future, so since he's working full time I get up and do all feeds etc. plus pumping, bottles etc etc. then on the weekends he said he would take a feeding to let me sleep but either he doesn't hear them or I have to get up to pump anyway so what's the point? I'm only 7 weeks in and I feel so guilty feeling resentful that he has a life and I don't. He gets to go play sports and be with his friends and take trips for work that get him out of town and away. I feel guilty for feeling guilty. I just feel like an exhausted mess of a failure. I just hope that I'm not crazy and someone else out there has felt similar at least at some point. I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow and feel differently but right now I'm just so tired. I waited so so long to have these angels andthe thought that I'm even uttering a word of frustration again has me feeling....guilty. I thank god everyday that I have them and I wouldn't change a thing, but when I pictured how this would be, I just had such a different picture of me being "super mom". This is way harder then I ever imagined. The best, hardest thing I've ever done. Thanks for listening.
Fraternal twin boys born at 33 weeks 4 days
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Falling apart
I don't have twins, but I just feel the need to respond to your post!
Nobody could have prepared you for how hard this is. Even if they had---you wouldn't have believed them. It was so hard at home for me with one little one, so I can only imagine that doubled.
First and foremost: if you have to supplement with formula,so be it. Not the end of the world.
If you have to walk away from the babies for 5 minutes for a moment of silence while they are safely in their crib, or swing or something---do it.
You getting to sleep through the night on a weekend: sleep on the couch if you have to! Let him have one shift on his own. Prepare him: "I'm going to sleep....you've got this. I put the monitor on your nightstand. Don't wake me up!"
A really good night's sleep may make all the difference in the world.
No offense but it is time for DH to learn how to handle babies. You *need* time to rest. Every FTM or FTD has been there with the " uh what do I do?" face. Is there anyone else who can help you? Neighbor? Parent? The main things are that they are fed, dry, and safe. The rest is a bonus.
*hugs* hang in there
I, too, was surprised that I'm not better at all of this! You aren't alone
I was also surprised that really, really wanting these babies did not actually make me any better at caring for them, or any more emotionally ready to deal with the overwhelming needs of twin newborns. This isn't forever. They WILL get easier. There are still times here and there where I just have to watch them cry for a minute because I can't think of anything else to even try, but that happens like once every two weeks now, not once or twice a day. And now they smile at us, grab rings/toys, look in the mirror - which makes it more satisfying and just easier overall. So,
a) you are normal,
b) stop feeling guilty because it's not necessary and the babies secretly think you are a great mom and just don't know how to tell you yet, and
c) it will get better.
But also, seriously, d) your husband needs to get with the program. Working full-time does not mean that he needs 8 hours of sleep and you need 2. You need sleep to keep your supply up and keep you thinking straight for everyone. If he has free time (not working), he needs to be spending that time with you and the babies, NOT out with friends. This isn't forever - it's not like you're asking him to become a hermit for life. But he has three people with very high needs living at home right now, and it's just not acceptable for him to be out socializing and playing sports while you're running yourself ragged.
ETA: if you're boyond stressed and frazzled it is perfectly fine to step into another room for five minutes to calm down. It's not okay to let them CIO for an hour, but five minutes won't hurt them if it means a happier mom. One of our nurses told us, "a baby has never died from crying". I know it's so hard to walk away but if you're at the end of your rope it's way better than some alternatives.
The first 6 months with the twins home were awful. They were pure hel!. Even though we had already figured out our roles with DD1, everything was still a huge adjustment, and we were both running on empty.
If BFing is really important to you, have you been in a touch with a lactation consultant? If not, it might be worth looking in to. Our local hospital has 2x/week BFing support groups (free, even if you didn't deliver there), where a bunch of moms get together and nurse, and LCs walk around and answer questions and offer support.
It's ok, and normal, to need a few minutes away from screaming babies. I took that time quite a lot to regroup and calm myself down. There were a few times, though, that all I did was scream back at them. It's hard. If it's constant, though, have you had them looked at by the pedi? There may be some underlying problem, such as reflux, that keeps them at it. Maybe not, but might be worth asking about nonetheless.
Screaming during bath time is normal, too. Although in our house, it usually meant that the water was too cold.
Regarding your DH, I have two thoughts. The first is to STOP swooping in. He needs to learn how to care for his children, and THEY also need to learn that Daddy is capable of meeting their needs. It won't be the way you do it, but that's ok. The way my DH does things isn't bad, it's just different. Stop taking it all on yourself.
The second is that he needs to cut back on his social life a smidge so that you get back to feeling like an equal partnership. And don't say to yourself "well, I have to get up anyways so I may as well just do it." Part of your resentment, IME, is built in part because you take it on yourself and then get mad when he doesn't stop you from doing it. Don't set yourself, and him, up for failure like that. Even if you DO have to get up to pump, it still takes less time than feeding/burping/changing. LET HIM DO IT. Plus it gives him a chance to bond with his babies.
3 months is usually a turning point for people. We saw a bigger difference at 6 months with the twins. At 7 weeks, though, all you can do is survive. You're doing great!
My twins aren't here yet, but I also felt the need to reply to your post. I agree with everyone else who said you really need to cut yourself some slack and remember that everything you are feeling is completely normal. If the babies only get 1 bath a week right now, its not the end of the world:) If you stop pumping and give them formula or even just supplement, it's not the end of the world. They will be happier and healthier babies if their Mom is taking care of herself emotionally and physically. You need to take some time each day to take care of yourself...as hard as thet might be to do. Leave DH with them and take a walk, go get a pedicure or go to a friend's house to take a nap! I would show DH your post. Chances are he is feeling lost and unsure what to do and isn't even remotely aware of how you are feeling....men can be a bit oblivious. I'm sure he loves you dearly and would be so sad to read what you wrote...as we are all! Could you also arrange someone to come in and help for a few hours a day...a friend or family member?
Hang in there
Hi there...
I'm so so sorry
. I totally know where you're coming from although my issues had different reasons behind them when they were babies.
I may just be repeating what others have said but your H really needs to get on board. My H also had zero experience w/ babies but it only takes a couple days of doing it to get the hang of it. If he travels a lot for work, then there is nothing you can do about that but that should give him the 'break' he needs and when he's home, he should be able to help. I doubt he'd do full shift sleeping, but maybe some variation on it...if you are giving BM in a bottle (sounds like that), then maybe he can be 'on' from 8pm-11pm or something so that you can go up to bed early, turn on some sort of white noise & guarantee you have 3 hrs uninterrupted sleep before the night begins.
Regarding the BFing, everyone is going to be different on this, but it IS OK to stop if you feel that it is not working for all of you anymore. You have done an awesome job giving them BM for weeks and they have already gotten sooo much good stuff from you. You have to give yourself permission to be ok with it or talk to an LC or your OB or someone about it. I was barely producing and at my 8 week appt my OB said, you have permission to stop trying, it is ok and normal and you need to get rest and have a little less pressure...I walked out of that office & did not look back. As I said, everyone is different, but please do not think that all MOMs BF easily, at all or for extended periods of time...there are many people who have had similar problems and everyone approaches it differently.
What I always asked myself was- is the stress of XYZ making me better mom or is it making me less able to do what I want to do as a mom? Is my mental health getting to the point where it is going to negatively affect how I care for them & is whatever is stressing me out worth it?
It doesnt sound like you have family nearby to help (or if they are near, that they're around). I'm not sure if it is financially a possibility, but I also would suggest finding a sitter a few times a week, just for a few hours so you can nap uninterrupted or to get out & run errands solo (or even go to a park & just sit there). That was a godsend for me, we had a woman who came to our house 2 times a week for 3 hrs, she was a longtime nanny, fed them, watched them, took them out for a walk & would do a load of laundry for me... or any good friends who you could ask for help (do not feel bad about asking, I think a lot of ppl would love to help you, even if to come over & do household stuff if you're not comfortable w/ them doing childcare (or they're not).
I would also (if financially feasible) consider a night nanny for the weeks when your H is traveling. Or, if he is not willing to help out at night at all, for some nights when is there too. Just a thought.
You are definitely normal in ALL your feelings, but you definitely need to take the pressure off yourself to do it all and ask for help, from whoever. A serious conversation with your H is in order also, but I know that is tough.
GL!
What you're feeling is totally normal for the twin newborn stage. Pure survival mode. Your DH NEEDS to step up and start helping at night. There is absolutely no reason why you should be working 24/7 while he works a mere 8-5 or whatever his hours are. They're his kids, too. And at the exhausting stage they're at, there's no reason why childcare can't be split equally during the hours he is home.
My husband was working full-time at a demanding job that he had just started 4 months before our boys were born, so he was still learning the ropes, proving himself, etc., but there's no way he would've made me handle all the nighttime stuff. We slept in shifts; I would go to bed between 7 and 8 and sleep till about 1 a.m. (I only was able to BF/pump the first month but if you're pumping, you could get up *just* to pump) and then take over while he went to bed from 1-7 or whenever he had to get up for work that day. The on-duty parent had the baby monitor and would get a little sleep in a different room but that way the sleeping parent could turn on the fan for white noise, block out the world, and get 5-6 hrs of uninterrupted sleep. HUGE sanity and health-saver.
I agree with a lot of the pps' advice, too, especially Missa_G and soldiersgreenbean. Hang in there! You are doing amazing. I LOVE newborns but honestly didn't enjoy the first few months with my boys; I was just so tired and overwhelmed (even with DH helping; I would've been a wreck otherwise!). In a way I'm disappointed I wasn't able to enjoy the first few months more b/c it's just so chaotic with two screaming newborns (mine had reflux which kept them up a lot) but that comes over time. It gets SO much better, especially as they start sleeping better and get more interactive and start smiling at you!
I hope you can tell from all of the replies that you've gotten already that people can relate. We have ALL been there, and we all respond to your words because we all remember how painful that time was! So first of all, remember that it is normal and it is a phase. One of the best things I started telling myself around that time was that EVERYTHING is a phase- because it is. Don't get too despondent about the bad stuff- it will change soon. But don't get too excited about the good stuff either- that will change too!
Everything feels so huge right now, like decisions you make are going to have permanent affects on your family. There is some degree of truth to that but not like you think (if you're like me). Nothing is permanent right now. A couple of things that I want to share my story about:
BFing: I worked really hard to build supply and fix latches. I BFed through cracked nipples, eventually, 2 bouts with mastitis that led to a massive abscess which required painful surgery to remove. So I was forced to quit. I still deal with guilt over FFing but guess what? I realized that this is a phase too- they will be a year old in no time! When I was in the trenches I couldn't even realize that they weren't going to be on either BM or formula for the rest of their lives! So that is good to realize. BUT I am also really glad that, in spite of all the pain and stress and everything else I went through, I kept trying until I knew I had literally done all I could do. It makes it easier to deal with the guilt that creeps up from time to time, and it makes it a LOT easier to deal with perceived or actual judgement from other people.
Your DH: I was the same. DH got out all the time and I resented him for it, but when he would suggest I go out and he would take care of them by himself, I didn't really like that idea either because he didn't know what to do. That led to him never really learning how to take care of them because I never let him fend for himself and figure it out on his own. The time to get him in baby bootcamp is NOW. The longer you wait the harder it will be for both him and the babies. For us the best thing was for me to just announce that I was going to be going out for ice cream with my friends for an hour, and tell him that I needed him to watch the babies while I was out. He was fine, and the girls were fine. Sure, he didn't do things my way and probably not in the "best" way either, but it really helped. And you absolutely MUST get sleep. The longer you let it go on the worse you will get. And one night of sleep is not going to be enough either. You have a lot of sleep debt to catch up on! Get a doctor to tell you and YH if that's what he needs to realize how serious the situation is.
Getting out/taking time for yourself: I don't know what your personality is like so I will give you another side to what others have said. If you are like other people then yes, getting out is good. For me, while I do think getting out and taking time for myself was good, it really made me stressed out to be forced to leave the girls at that age. I didn't like it and it didn't feel good. So just try it but don't feel badly if you realize that's not what helps you relax/recharge. For me I wanted someone else to be there and take care of them so that I could actually ENJOY them- just sit and play with them or really just look at them and take it all in.
Crying: As others have said, 3 months is a HUGE turning point for a lot of people, us included. Hold on to that thought and count down the days- it will get better!
I was right where you are at 7 weeks. 6-12 weeks were the hardest for me because my husband was gone and all my energy and hormones from giving birth were gone and I hit a big wall. First, you need to sit down with your husband and tell him point blank that what you are feeling is very serious and if it keeps going this way, you will end up not being able to care for the babies at all, so he better step up, or your all in trouble. Second, do not worry about anything but getting as much rest as possible. Sleep when they sleep. I told myself that each nap, I would do one task and then sleep, I slept so much, I actually had trouble falling asleep one night. I felt so much better.
I promise you, it will get better. But your h needs to step up or you will become sick and resentfull of him the longer this goes on. Hugs.
Wow. I am so overwhelmed with all of the support and kind words. I wish I could reply back to everyone's advice individually bc you all have great advice but that would take all day and clearly from my post I don't have time for that lol.
Well, last night ended up being the worst night of all and I got about 2 hours of sleep until I got one LO down. I woke up to dh doing the first am feeding so I snuck right back into bed without saying a word. When I woke up at 10am I woke up to him getting their next feed ready and was singing to them. **sigh of relief and prayers answered for me***. Not that this even necessarily matters but I should have been clearer to say he does help, but not the help that I a needing re: nighttime. So I need to clearly discuss this with him and we need to figure something out. But he isn't completely "absentee" like I probably insinuated. Before I was preggers I always said that the only thing that scared me about parenthood was the lack of sleep. I need my sleep and anything less than 7 hours just wouldn't cut it. Man do I really see now what a lack of it will do.
Thank you, thank you for reminding me that everything isn't the end of the world. Everything I do, or don't do with them makes me feel like I am forever affecting them, and "damaging them". I need to realize that thus isn't true and cut myself some slack. It's just in me to always try to have it all together, so this sense is extremely heightened when it comes to motherhood. I want so bad to be "perfect" but what's the definition of that? Such a falsehood that anyone can tell themselves.
One thing I need to do immediately (although not everyone will agree) is start the supplementing. For me I know this will take so much pressure off. Every day I said I would start but the guilt got in the way and I would just skip it and keep putting pressure on myself. Even if i do 1 ff day, i cancatch myself back up to build a good supply again i think. So my question is, any words on which formula I should start with? I have samples of almost every kind and just don't know how to choose. Does anyone have experience with soy? I always wanted to use this if I couldn't nurse but am nervous now if it's "good enough" for them. Any thoughts on this and what worked for your LO's would be great.
So without going on and on again I can just say thanks, regroup, and realize that today is anew day and feel great about that. I love my boys (dh included
) more than anything and will "just keep swimming". Thanks so much all! What a great support system!
*big hugs* I hope all the PP will give you some comfort. We have all been there, and for most of us it is pretty much a blur because we were in survival mode. Most of this has all been said but that's ok, it's important that you know.
1) Do not worry if things don't get done. Even baths. Your babies are really not that dirty. They will be ok! I know it was hard for us when both the boys screamed for baths, but they will grow out of that once they grow a bit and have some body fat to keep them warm. Bath time will become fun, I promise!
2) It's ok to leave them screaming (as long as they are somewhere safe obviously) just to get a few minutes of peace. Remember, if they are screaming, they are breathing. They will be ok! I agree with talking to a pedi though, if they have reflux or gas it may be something fixable.
3) BF is hard. Extremely hard. I did the pumping thing too because my boys were bad latchers and pumping was just as hard if not harder than BF. You have done amazing to make it this far doing it (I only made it 6 weeks). If you could save yourself some sanity and get a bit more sleep if you quit, it is OK to do so. Realize that an unhappy stressed out overexhausted mommy is not good for anyone. Do what you need to for your family. I cried for many weeks because I felt like i was failing my children for not producing enough milk and for wanting to give up. When I finally decided to quit it was the day that I realized, hey this is OK. It's OK to quit, my babies are fine with formula (we had to supplement anyway).
4) Regarding DH. I don't care if he is working full time, he needs to help at night. YOU are working much more than full time. You deserve just as much sleep (if not more) than he does. Even if you have to get up to pump, do so and go to bed. Let him do the rest. If he is not good at it, he will figure it out. He is the daddy. You've got to tell him he needs to step up or it's not going to be good for your marriage or your family. Don't swoop up the kids if something is going wrong. Encourage your DH and tell him he can do this. And no he should absolutely not be going out with friends right now. AT ALL. DH didn't get a night out with friends until the boys were almost 4 months old. I haven't gotten one yet. He gets to get out to go to work. He'll be fine.
You can do this. It will get better. It doesn't seem like it now, but I promise it does. The first time you see them smile/laugh it will all be worth it. Hang in there mama and this board is here for you anytime to need to vent/laugh/cry, or all of the above!
I don't think you'll get any grief over supplementing. You shouldn't.
Honestly, I'd just pick one and try it. Try it for a few days, though. If you notice problems (extreme gas, extreme spitting up, etc), try something different. When you BF, do you notice issues in the babies if you eat dairy? Soy?
If you're feeding them, it's good enough!
I started supplementing when I went back to work - from having DD1, I knew that I couldn't pressure myself to keep up with what they needed, or else I would fail. Instead of doing one full FF bottle, I pumped what I could and then topped off the bottles with formula. It allowed every bottle to still have BM, which also helped mask the taste of the formula some.
My heart breaks for you. We've ALL been there.
1. Your husband needs to help. Period. Clue in and do it.
2. You BOTH work full-time and trust me his job IS easie. When I back to working 80 hour weeks at 7 weeks old, yes, even my really difficult job was easier than my twins 24/7. So he needs to help at NIGHT, EVERY NIGHT. Period. You NEVER get a break. It's no excuse for him to sleep and not you. He has to learn to do things.
3. Empower yourself and get a break, sister.
4. He needs to STOP all sports and all unecessary travel. Trust me - my friend is gettind divorced because he kept playing golf every weekend. His twins are now 5. His wife finally had enough. She's done. Protect your marriage and your relationship and insist in being equal.
5. EPing is really hard. I did it for 10.5 months. DH still did equal or more at nights. We both worked full time (and like I said I was working 80 hours / week).
6. It does get easier and you can do this. But you really need his support.
xoxoxox
Hang in there dear.
I'm so sorry, hang in there!
We've supplemented from the beginning, and just used what they had at the hospital - Similac Sensitive. We now buy the generic Target version. I had a lot of guilt about doing any supplementing, but I was killing myself trying to make it work with bf'ing. Sleep can also help your supply, so adding in a few supplemented bottles may help you catch up.
My H went back to work after 2 weeks, then my Mom was here. So I was on my own from 4 weeks on. At that point they were going 4 hours between feeds. This is how nights worked for us when he was working:
9pm - we both fed, then I pumped
1am - I would feed both by myself, then pump
5am - H would feed both by himself, I would not pump
So he got a stretch of sleep from about 10 - 5, which isn't too shabby. I would get a stretch from about 3 - 8 or so if they slept good.
Boy/girl twins born at 37w1d and 37w2d
Just reading this and everyone has said everything I would have said. I just want to add bug, giant HUGS! You are doing a great job!
I had major guilt over supplementing. That is a normal feeling but my sanity needed saving and that was what did it. After I got over the initial guilt I felt a thousand times better. We started with regular Similac and ended up switichng between Similac and Enfamil. I would jomp in and just try one and see how it goes.
Good luck!
Like this poster said, take shifts with your DH during the night! Or when he gets home from work take a nap. You need to sleep. Sleep will also help with your supply. My DH and I would do this and sleep in separate rooms even for the first 3 months. Hope things get easier soon.
Oh honey! You are me 7 weeks ago!!!! My husband went back to work at 3 weeks and from then on I did everything. I mean everything. He never did another night feeding after that, so I would get up feed both babies, change them, put them back down, and then pump. I spent 2 1/2 hours a day pumping and I felt like I was literally going crazy. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling and let me tell you two things I know for sure. 1. Having these feelings doesn't make you love your babies any less, it makes you a mom of multiples. 2. I promise, even though today it don't feel like it, it will be better. Soon. Do you have any family around that could come help? It doesn't sound like skipping a feeding at night is realistic for you (it wasn't ever for me bc of the pumping) but maybe someone could come help during the day? I found even just having someone here helped my morale. Dont worry about baths either, they are totally fine. I feel for you so much, I have a husband who loves the babies but doesn't want to do the work that they require right now and we are still working on that. Good luck and post all you need to, everyone on this board gets it!!!!
I have 6 month old boy and girl twins and I had a very stressful beginning with them. I could have wrote this a few months ago. Is there anyone that can come and watch them while you take a nap/shower. Lack of sleep can make one seriously go nuts! As they sleep more it gets better trust me! Also, I stopped bfing at 7 weeks because I was just "keeping up" than as their intake increased I couldn't feed both then I could only feed on 50%. Don't get upset!! You've tried as hard as you can! I know with pumping and wake-ups it was horrible and yes my DH isn't/wasn't much of a help but he's finally gotten better! Do you have Boppies? If you feed can you feed them together and prop the bottles (if they are bottlefed bm or formula) When I did this I got feedings down to 30min a time! Good luck and you can always PM me I was there and it's still hard but you will find a way to do it and get some sleep too!!
The beginning is really, really hard. I would never have made it without my DH stepping up and the help of others in my support system.
Your DH needs to step up and help. With twins, he doesn't get the luxury of "not being good at the infant stage." If my DH had been out playing sports while I was trying to deal with two newborns, I would have kicked him out of the house. That's not an exaggeration - I might have even filed for divorce. He needs to man up and help you. They are his children, too.
Don't worry about baths - most newborns scream through them, and they don't need one more than every few days at this stage, anyway.
Would you be able to nurse instead of pumping? It's much easier to just stick a baby on your boob than to deal with pumping and then bottle feeding - it's like you have to feed both of them twice.
It really does get better. Mine are 14 months now, and when I think about where we were a year ago, it's night and day.
((hugs)) Girl, I was writing the EXACT same thing around that time! Look back to November and December posts. You'll see some sad ones from me!
It is sooooo sooo hard, I will never forget just how hard it was and still is for that matter. All I can say is take some time for yourself weekly. Whether it is go to the grocery store alone, go get your hair done, anything! Listening to 2 screaming babies all day will make anyone go crazy. The breastfeeding and pumping thing. Oh man. good for you for lasting this long. Sadly we didn't last more than a week and we were much happier when we just let it go. My girls are happy and healthy and that's what matters. However you have to get there, never ever feel guilty!
Hang in there!!