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Babies: 9 - 12 Months
noahchristopher
member
Family doesn't respect my LO's schedule
noahchristopher
member
So we've moved closer to my family so they can be a part of our son's life as he grows up. I really want that for him.
My husband and I have worked hard to get our son on a great sleep schedule. He naps twice a day and goes to bed around 7:30. A pretty typical schedule for a baby.
Since we've been here I've had to constantly defend myself when it comes to how I take care of him. Mostly with regard to his bedtime and nap times. Before we moved, we would schedule things around his sleep. We've kept him up past nap times and bed times and it's never fun for him or us, so we just do what's best for him and what works for us.
They always give me a hard time if I say I can't be somewhere until 3 instead of 2. It's never a do or die situation. My dad is retired and has no schedule at all, so he's the hardest on me. He even said one time that I should bring my son there and put him to sleep on a pile of blankets on the floor. He's 11 months. I know I don't need to talk about why that's an insane idea.
Whenever we go past his window for naps or bed time, he just gets cranky and irritable and then it's not fun for anyone. So we choose to get him to bed. Is that really so wrong? I know it's not always convenient for my family. But it's what our baby needs, not about what they want. Right? I do go to my sister's and will put him down for a nap there in the pack in play and he does great. Haven't done that at my dad's yet, but I would.
Also, he sleeps in his crib in his own room. He has since he was 4 months old. No way would he sleep if we were in the room with him. And my dad wants to take a vacation in a house with only 3 bedrooms and there's 10 of us. I would do it and sleep out in the living room, but I'd put my son in his crib in a room away from the action so we could enjoy ourselves and he'll get sleep. My dad doesn't understand why we won't sleep in the same room with him. I just now it would be a disaster and no sleep would happen by any of us.
Bottom line. Unless I'm doing something to harm my child, why don't other people respect the fact that there are 10000 ways to raise a kid? Support me, rather than make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. We've found what works for us and it's been a long road getting here. Just let us be!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Family doesn't respect my LO's schedule
We'll miss you sweet Debbie Girl (4.21.12) and sweet Cindy Girl (8.9.12)
That's not fair to say. If you had a baby that was really sensitive to sleep and really needed a schedule to thrive, you'd have the same attitude.
OP, I feel you. My daughter is 9 months old and still really needs 3 naps a day. She doesn't always get the last one but she gets an early bedtime if she doesn't. It is what it is and it someone doesn't like it, I tell them too bad. My kid is more important than your dinner party or whatever.
I would try the pack n' play at your dad's. If they can't understand that your child needs a structured schedule throughout the day, I would back off and not committ to any plans with anyone for awhile until they got the hint.
Fastest year of my life.
Naps and bedtime we generally stick to, but we also make exceptions sometimes. It's not all the time that we keep dd out during a nap or up past bedtime, but I'd say one or the other happens at least once a week.
Not sleeping with your child in the room, I mean, we've always had our kids in the room on vacation. If you aren't aren't paying, and not happy with the arrangement, don't go. If you are paying and not happy with it, well, I'd find other accommodations for you and your child and let the rest of your family stay together. We did that one family vacation and it worked out well for us, but it was mostly because I would never stay in the same house for 24 hour with my il's let alone a week long vacation.
Sometimes you just have to loosen up a bit. No, it's not bad to try and keep your child on schedule, but an exception here or there isn't going to wreck their schedule either and probably would mean something to the rest of your family.
I have a child that is sensitive to changes in schedule and we still make exceptions here and there. I know full and well not all kids adapt easily, but sometimes there are family events that are important that you just need to roll with it.
If they were asking this of her every single day, I'd have a different response. I don't know the frequency they are asking her to do this, so I'm going to assume it's not an every day problem.
Thanks for the ladies offering support here. I won't respond much to the uptight comment above, except to say that it seems that the parents calling you uptight when it comes to babies and sleep are the ones who have babies who don't sleep, and are therefore, a bit defensive on the whole subject. I digress......
I must say that our son is really adaptable when it comes to sleeping in different places,cribs, pack n plays, etc. It's just that when he needs to sleep, he needs to sleep! And I respect that. Where has that gotten us today? An 11 month old who has slept 11+ hours at night since 4 months old and takes great naps. I'll take that and sacrifice a bit of my social life right now in order to get good sleep (the whole family). So, needless to say, I defend it with all I've got.
I do agree that I should allow bed time to be a little later than usual here and there when it comes to special events. But like someone said above, there will be a time when they will fall asleep anytime and anywhere.
I'm happy that there are a few other moms out there who can empathize with me.
My kid is EXTREMELY sensitive to sleep. He will sleep in his crib, carseat, and his mat at daycare. I still make exceptions and do not expect everyone's schedule to revolve around me.
We'll miss you sweet Debbie Girl (4.21.12) and sweet Cindy Girl (8.9.12)
You ARE too uptight. He will sleep in a pack-n-play and you know it. Yet you still refuse to go hang out at your parents. I get that it is hard. My kid is a terrible sleeper unless he has a crib, pnp, or carseat. It does not mean that I refuse to do things. It sounds like your parents just want to spend time with you and your son.
We'll miss you sweet Debbie Girl (4.21.12) and sweet Cindy Girl (8.9.12)
I think it is great that you have such a great schedule. However, there are exceptions to every rule and I think my attitude is like that because I have a 5 year old as well as DD2. Life doesn't always run on YOUR schedule. Daycare has set nap times after 1 year, preschool has their own schedule, etc. Family members have weddings and baby showers-are you going to miss their important day because you can't fudge a bit on your schedule??? I agree that I wouldn't want family members routinely altering my schedule, but once in awhile it's ok. I also think it's good for babies to learn how to be flexible.
And I have had 2 babies that have slept through the night since 6 weeks and I have always been pretty flexible. Yes my baby takes 2 naps during daycare and a short nap on the ride home every day and is in bed by 8:30 every night. And she wakes up around 7 AM. But her nap time does not start every day at the same time nor does it last for the same amount of time. So I resent the comment that those who said you were uptight were the ones with horrible sleepers. I think it is more that 2 of 3 I read have older children and aren't FTM.
When my LO had a fairly predictable schedule, I always tried to work everything around it. If something wouldn't budge, I would try to tweak her schedule just a bit.
Is there anything, snoring etc, that would keep your DS from sleeping with you in the room, or does he just need to fall asleep alone? And how long is this vacation for?
Exactly this. OP, I am totally in your boat. DD sleeps amazing when we are on her schedule and she has the same bedtime every night, roughly. She doesn't do that well sleeping in a place that isn't her crib, but it is what it is. We are more fortunate when it comes to family understanding that DD needs her naps and that we need to leave whatever get together we are at in order for her to get to bed on time. Like the poster that I quoted, we are told by pretty much everyone that DD is, by far, the happiest baby they have ever known. That is not hard to believe because she is so well rested. Keep doing what works for you. I am fairly flexible when I need to be, but for the most part, our schedule is DD's and I am okay with that. She has slept through the night VERY consistently for 6 months now, 11 hours uninterrupted each night. Why would I jeopardize messing that up?! ;-)
I agree with the previous poster, that is uncall for.
I know how you feel, my baby is very sensitive when it comes to sleep so I try my best to keep him on his schedule. The way i see it is I don't like sleeping in my car/strange bed/on the floor on a pile of blankets, why would my baby like that. That they are babies doesn't mean they they dont need to be comfortable when they sleep.
I do exceptions on some weekends but for the most part we are at home for his naps and bedtime. He is so much happier when he is well rested so why would i want to change that.
Just continue what you are doing, before you know it he would be on a one nap schedule and not long after that he won't be taking naps. They are babies for so little time so enjoy your baby and do what you think is best for him
I completely understand not wanting to mess up a good thing, but if you dont give hi a few chances to try to sleep someplace else or at another time he then you not know if it's something he can do. It might not happen immediately but like anything else I bet if you tried it a few times he could pick up the hang of it. You can still stick to the schedule for the most part, but there should probably be a little more flexibility. I hate messing with my sons sleep but if we decide to go out to dinner or in errands on the weekend for a few hours ya gotta do what ya gotta do!
Thanks everyone. I appreciate all the replies and different opinions. As long as we're all respectful when presenting them.
I get the same comments about my son being so happy and chilled out all the time when we're out. I also agree that the biggest reason he's so easy going and happy is because I make sure he's well rested. It's amazing how many people don't realize the sleep needs of a baby. I didn't before I had my son. Since then I've read a lot and now that I'm aware of what he needs it's hard to ignore it.
Of course I would put him down for a nap at my dad's. I never said I refused to go there. We are at his house 4-5 times a week. I haven't put him down for a nap there because the pack n play is at my sister's. The one thing I won't do is load him in the car and keep him awake to go have lunch when he needs to be sleeping. It would not be a fun time for anyone involved. I've gone out and seen the kid whos up when he should be asleep and the parents and everyone around is miserable.
He does fall asleep alone in his crib. He won't do it any other way now. It's funny because he started doing that really young. We'd try to be in there soothing him to sleep and he'd get more and more upset by it, or just stay up and more stimulated. We finally caught on and left him alone to do it and it's been that way ever since.
For this vacation we are unable to go for other reasons too. My husband just changed jobs and can't go because of his schedule. I know ahead of time though, that if I can make it happen, he will sleep in a quiet room by himself, and not with us. I'll sleep on the roof if I have to. A vacation should be relaxing and if we're all sleep deprived it won't be a good time.
I do have to say that my least favorite thing about being a mom has been the whole nap thing. Took me by surprise how much these kids need to sleep. It took some getting used to for us too.
I'm grateful for the ladies in my same boat. I just wish you lived in my town and we could all hang out!!
I have found this to be true in my real life. It's like they feel guilty for not doing more for their baby's sleep so when they hear of someone who does work hard to give the baby what they need they get defensive by attacking your choice. I don't know how many times someone has attacked me by saying "you can't make the baby follow YOUR schedule!" Which is hilarious because the issue is coming up because I am doing the opposite. I'm trying to follow HIS needs for his sake.
I, also, get the comments about how amazed they are that my son is soooo happy and well behaved in almost any environment. I just smile and take that as my validation that I am doing the right thing for my son. I've had to pull that one out a few times to show naysayers that what we do is obviously working. But usually I just smile and think it to myself.
Don't worry about what they say. They don't know what it's like. You are doing the best for your child. Now that you live close you probably should start lugging that PnP around and getting him comfortable with napping at different locations. Especially if you want babysitters in the future. But you don't have to change his schedule for small plans by any means.
I'm team Katie honestly. I also think she's had sleep problems from hell prior.
Anyways, I know it's rough to not have a kid that sleeps.
However, it's even rougher to have a baby that will only function on one schedule and only nap in once specific place at one certain time.
A little shake up on the routine once in awhile is harmless. It's part of being a parent and hey once in awhile I'd like to show up at a birthday party on time.
Life happens and I feel like the earlier kids realize this, the better off we'll all be. A set schedule is great but I'd be miserable and home all the time if I refused to bend ever.
If you want to go on the vacation go. Kids don't sleep well on vacation anyways, no matter what you do. On the opposite end, sometimes they get so worn out from being busy and exploring they'll sleep through anything.
Also, having 3 big losses in 3 years I feel like life is too short sometimes to miss out on a party at grandma's simply because it's nap time. 5 years ago I'd probably have been super uptight about this too...but meh...we'll all live now.
I understand and I'm trying to be a bit more flexible. DD takes 2 naps a day and I do have a PNP at my parents house (they are only family nearby) so that occasionally (holidays etc) we can put DD down for a nap there.
But we are pretty strict about her 6:45/7:00 bedtime and usually aim for 7:30 at the latest because she does melt and get pretty cranky and un-fun. My mom doesn't understand why we wouldn't put her down at their house then wake her up to take her home -- Naps I totally do on the go but bedtime uhhhh NOPE.
I do think there is a balance and I am also trying to get DD used to sleeping in other places and such but I'm also pretty tied to her schedule and I realize eventually she'll be able to be up more and I don't really worry about what my parents and others think -- there are ways to be with them and get DD sleep.
Besides, everyone tells us what a happy girl we have and I say well some of that is due to good sleep.
I totally get it. My DD is also very sleep sensitive. We still struggle with naps. As she gets a little older she seems to be easing up on the time sensitivity allowing us to stay places later a bit, but there was a time where if she didn't get her nap on schedule (and she would only nap in the stroller or in the car) it would throw her off for a few days.
Just do what is best for you and your LO.
I'm the same way. I don't expect anyone's schedule to revolve around us, but if we're invited to somewhere in the afternoon, we let them know that we'll be there whenever both our kids happen to be up from their nap. We have on occasion put kids down for naps at my parent's house. We have a PnP there for this purpose. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. We don't do that regularly, but we'll wing it on special occasions, like Christmas.
Vacations tend to be a disaster sleep wise (especially with naps), but you do the best that you can. Our kids sleep in their own rooms at home and generally sleep in a room with us on vacation and it works out ok. As long as you have a separate space so that they can fall asleep and you have some other place to hang out until you're ready for bed it'll probably work out ok.
~Working Mom~Breastfeeding Mom~Cloth Diapering Mom~BLW Mom~
Blog - No Longer on the DL ~ The Man Cave
Shawn and Larissa
LO #1 - Took 2 years and 2 IVFs ~ DX - severe MFI mild PCOS homozygous MTHFR (a1298c)
LO #2 - TTC 7 months, surprise spontaneous BFP!
I definitely understand where you're coming from, but I do think you are being uptight about the vacation situation. My DD is also very sensitive to missing sleep but in order to go on vacation we have gone to hotels with her and I recently spent 5 weeks sleeping in the same room as her during my vacation to visit my parents in the US. It wasn't ideal, no, but it wasn't the horror I was imagining it might be beforehand either. I think you will miss out on a lot of fun things with your family if you refuse to ever sleep in the same room as your LO...just my opinion.
I think the naps thing is annoying though. If you are just going to be a little later I completely understand waiting for the nap to be finished rather than interrupting what would otherwise be a normal day. Though I will say we are flexible on naps and usually we end up skipping/missing at least one nap one day a week (usually Saturday) or have a late bedtime for some reason. These thinsg happen and as long as it's not the norm it's no big deal.
I am confused. In your OP, you stated that he only will sleep in his crib alone, but then here you say he adapts well?
I am also confused on why you have to be home for a nap? Like you said, he can sleep anywhere. I always have a pack'n'play in my car for this reason.
My son has slept 12+ hours a night since bringing him home from the hospital, not 4mths, since he was 4 days. Took 2 - 2 hr naps a day until 9mths and now takes 1-3 hr nap a day. So I am not saying this because my baby doesn't sleep and I am being defensive.
I'm pretty sure everyone here gets it. You seem to think that anyone who disagrees with you just doesn't understand how important sleep is for babies.
Anyway, I totally get where you're coming from and you should stick to your LO's schedule as much as possible. However, I also think you should be flexible for special occassions. I don't get why you'd skip a family vacation... your LO will do fine. We just took a short vacation with DD and I'll admit her sleep wasn't as good as at home and we dealt with a little crankiness. However, we still had a really good time and made some great memories. You can't just stay at home 24/7 for the next 2 years.
OP, I was a lot like you with my first. I'm not trying to turn this into a first time mom vs second/third/fourth time mom thing, because its not. Its just a different experience. It was easy to live by DD1s sleep schedule when it was just her and us. Now that I have a kid in school and activities, sometimes the schedule needs to be changed up a little bit. Because of that, DD3 and DD2 are really much more flexible with their sleep than DD1. Its nice to not have to live and die by the sleep schedule.
That's not to say that I never go late to family events because of naps or anything, I'm just saying that sometimes its a good thing to have a kid that is a little more flexible.
Annelise 3.22.2007 Norah 10.24.2009 Amelia 8.7.2011
Thanks again everyone for the replies.
When I was saying that he's adaptable, I mean that we've put him down for a nap in different houses. Once in a condo while we were moving, and several times in a pack n play for naps at a friend's house or at my sister's house. He napped well those times. He will do a car nap, but only for 30min tops. We have gone out and purposely gotten back in the car and driven around so he'll take his nap in the car seat and we can stay out. Just not that often. So he does good with sleeping in different spots. But, yesterday we put him down at my dad's for his second nap. It didn't go so well. He cried for 15 min and then laid down for 30min but didn't sleep (we had the video monitor with us). He did fine, great actually, until bed time and then slept good last night. We think he might be transitioning to 1 nap, so that's why the nap at my dad's may have been weird. Anyway, I'm glad we tried it, and even though he didn't do great, I'll try it again so he'll get used to it more.
I guess the things I won't do are ingore that he has to nap and go out anyway. He has never been a stroller sleeper or able to fall asleep while we hold him so maybe I've done things this way because of how I responded to the type of kid he is. I also won't keep him up way past his bedtime. An hour maybe, but we will get a sitter rather than keep him out late.
I realize that as he gets older and is able to say up for longer periods of time none of this will be much of an issue. It does go by fast and I'm ok working around his sleep until then. It will be over before I know it.
I think that a lot of people (especially those without kids, like I was before my son), don't know how much sleep babies need. A lot of people don't understand why you have to be home to put your baby to bed. My dad forgets too I think.
Also, there are soooooo many different types of kids out there. I think you use your instincts and adapt to your child's personality. So if our son had done great naps in the car and stroller from early on, I may be more of an out and on the go mom. But he didn't so I just went with what worked best for him.
From my original post, I was just saying that there are so many ways to do things when it comes to kids. Each kid is so different, and often times you will do things one way for one kid and have to change it up totally for baby #2. It's hard sometimes. And just being supportive rather than judgemental is all I'm asking from people close to me.
I hear you and agree
We've started to take this attitude, just took awhile for me to come around to it I guess. No more defending. Just doing. Thanks.