Tips for helping 4 yr old cope with grandpa dying :(

angelrue522

My son has always been very sensitive. He is VERY close with his grandpa who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was given 3-6 months to live. We have told him that grandpa is very sick but said nothing about dying or death. Last night he woke up crying in the middle of the night and said he had a bad dream that grandpa just disappeared.               My heart just broke when he said that. I calmed him down and told him we would go visit him later that day.

Grandpa is starting chemo with hopes of extending his time here with us and I imagine he will be very sick.Does anyone have any tips on how I should go about helping him deal with this? I believe this is going to be super emotional for him since they are sooo close. I am not sure the best way to go about this. Should I prepare him that grandpa is going to die or just wait until it happens?

Annemarieagnew

First off I am sorry to hear you are going through this. 

As far as what to tell your 4 year old, I would stick to what you have already told him until his time gets closer. 

My mom passed in February and I honestly didn't tell my 3.5 year old until we were at the wake.  I didn't know what to say, I didn't want to scare him.  When my husbands grandmother passed away last week my now 4 year old was very curious and I was able to have the conversation with him about how she had gotten sick and passed.  He put two and two together though and said that she was with nana now.  He was more upset that other people were sad. 

VTbride05

I am so sorry for your family's situation and just wanted to offer a virtual hug!

ppants

I'm sorry you and your family have to go through this. 

My grandpa died unexpectedly when my twins were 4.5 yo.  We had just left their place that morning to head back home after a weekend visit and he died of a probable heart attack late that evening.  We told the kids that Grandpa Clayton died and went to heaven.  They were very sad.  DS cried off and on and DD didn't cry at all.  They didn't attend the funeral because I felt like it would be very upsetting to them to see me, my parents, and grandma bawling like we did.  We have visited his grave as a family and they didn't have alot to say.  They did ask questions about what happened to his body and were it was. 

Thoughts and prayers for you and your family during this time.

jc&cat

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. Hugs to you.

My Dad died in November after a long illness (Alzheimer's). I spoke with DS's pedi actually (the timing was such that DD was visiting the pedi) how to handle the discussion and what to do. She suggested to keep it light in discussion. Not in a cold or mean way but let him process it as he might not fall apart at the annoucement of it but might go on his way and then come back with questions. She was exactly right about that.

She also suggested if we believed in a religious aspect (which we are practicing catholics) to lean on the fact that we believe Pop went to heaven, etc. I have read not to dwell on the sickness part since kids might connect "sick" with "death" and next time they have a cold or Mommy or Daddy get "sick", they could panic.

We did alot of pictures and celebrating Pop after the funeral (we did not take him). My Dad was not well enough to have time to sit with DS and play as they once did but I hope that your son can have some times with his Grandpa through the chemo. Don't underestimate the power of your children in their Grandpa's treatment...keep the small gifts coming like paintings or crafts. Maybe something that he can take with him to his treatments. Perhaps talk with your pedi to handle some of the details as treatment begins. I wish you all the best!

NicoleWI

I'm so sorry. 

Your pedi may have good advice and you can also get advice online. Your DS already knows something is going on and is worried, so I think it would be better to start preparing him a bit...but I'm not sure how. It's really hard.

DD's great-grandpa died last November, and she was too little/not close enough to really get it. But then her great-grandma died in May after a short decline, and they were much closer/DD was older by this point. We told her great-grandma was very, very old (97!) and her body wasn't working very well and she was sick (but I did say extra sick--not like when we get sick), and then her body stopped working and she died and went to heaven. Now she is in heaven, and she still loves us very much. We're sad because we don't get to see her, but she feels much better and she is happy and loves us. It has been hard b/c my DD is also very sensitive/thoughtful and asks ALL KINDS of questions. How do people go to heaven? Can you go in a car? Where does she sleep in heaven? Can she go to the beauty shop? Is grandma "new" again (as opposed to "old"). Does she feel better? If she feels better, why can't she come back (heartbreaker)?  Sometimes I just don't know what to say.

We are LUCKY to have a lot of old people in our lives at our ages, but we are in for a rough go over the next few years, I think. My parents' 15 year old golden retriever is on her last legs and the kids love her. My grandparents are 94 and 89 and still can visit and play...DD ask about that, too, b/c she knows they are old. "Did Grandpa Joe go to heaven yet? When is Millie going to heaven?" 

Two books that were recommended to me are "The Invisible Thread," which is just about love connecting us all, not specifically about death. I just got it to prepare for preschool but we haven't read it yet. There's also one about a dragonfly that's kind of interesting, called "The Dragonfly Door." The dragonfly nymphs live together in the water, but one day one is gone...it has become a dragonfly and now lives above the water in the sun, where it is very happy but the nymphs can't see it anymore. It's an odd analogy but it kind of works. I'm sure there are others, too, and probably some good resources to deal with terminal illness. 

I'm so sorry for your DS and for all of you.  

neverblushed

I'm very sorry for your family's troubles. One of the hardest parenting jobs I've had to face was telling my kids that my grandmother died.  They were 6 and 2, and both were very close to her. 

I have never dealt with this exact situation, but my intuition says to discuss that grandpa is sick, but don't mention death unless your child does.  If your child actually asks, "Will grandpa die?" my sense is to say that there is a possibility that he will die from his sickness, but that we don't know whether he will or when he will.  Reassure your child that if he dies, we will all feel sad and miss him very much, but we will get through our sadness as a family.  

I think it's important for kids to know that it's okay to feel whatever you feel about a situation like this: whether it be afraid, sad, nothing, angry, confused -- whatever.

When it happens, you may deal with some fears that you or your DH could also die.  When my kids brought this up, I said, "Well, Granny was very old and sick.  She lived for a long time.  Daddy and I are young and healthy.  We're not going to die for a long, long time.  You don't have to worry about that."  

angelrue522

Thanks so much for everyone's advice?