parents with more than one child

notlori925

I have a question.  I have only have one child and she's 13 months.  She does spend quite a bit of time with her 4 year old cousin since my dad watches both of them sometimes.  My question is, my family thinks we are too overly corrective of my nephew at times. He takes toys from her, sometimes not letting her have anything to play with.  He can knock her down, push her or run straight into her.  Just kid stuff I know, but if I correct him I'm told that she should get used to it and that "I'll learn". I guess what I'm asking is, what kind of stuff do you let go and what kind of stuff do you correct them for?  I'm not trying to be mean.  I just think he needs to learn to play well with her, especially b/c he's going to have a baby sister soon and because I don't want to see my daughter getting upset all the time when he takes her toys or pushes her.  But this is my first kid so I could be wrong.  Thanks!

hopefulmom

Some of that is expected, but if he is doing something that could hurt her (running into her) then I would gently remind him that she is younger than he is and not as steady on her feet.  Also, he needs to be remined that she needs to have toys to play with and he cannot take all of them...he needs to learn to share or he will be in BIG trouble when he starts school.  There will be time she has toys taken away and she'll get bumped into (accidently) so everytime it happens I wouldn't say anything...so she can leanr to adjust to those situations (but not all the time).  I don't think you are wrong for explaining to him to be careful...he should be caerful around any child younger/smaller than he is.

Flem052204

So far I only have one child, so I am no expert, but this is how I think I would handle your situation. 

In our case, we have always let our DD get roughed up a bit (but usually at her own hand).  I think the first time I ever saw DD fall into a table, I had a huge reaction and DD burst into tears.  That was the last time I ever reacted to a cry, scrape, fall, etc.  As a result, DD is a really tough little kid.  She can get knocked down HARD and just jumps right back up, rubs whatever hurts and keeps on going.  Our babysitter always comments on how she has never seen a 2 year old keep uyp so well with the older kids.  DD gets right in the thick of things and does whatever the 3&4 year olds are doing.

So I wouldn't worry about your DD getting knocked down so much.

On the other hand, we do NOT tolerate meaness.  We do not allow DD to push or hit our dogs and we would not tolerate another child blatantly pushing DD down.  That would definitely get a correction.  When my niece and nephew are over, I am responsible for watching them.  So when I see meaness, either mean words or mean actions, I correct it 100% of the time.  But a child pushing another child is a whole lot different from two kids just getting exuberant while they play and running into each other.  If it were truly an accident, I would comfort the younger child but let them know it was just an accident and that they should just rub it off.  I would also remind the older child gently to be careful but not in a reprimanding tone.  It's a fine line.

 

LanaM

I don't think that she should get used to it and you should learn. Playing and taking toys away is one thing, that's something that most kids do. Running into her, knocking her down or pushing her is not OK.

I teach my 3.5 y.o. to be gentle with his l6 months old ittle brother and his 2 week old cousin. He knows they are babies and he needs to be careful around them.

JOEBunny

I just have one kid, but my nephew is a year younger than DD and I my neighbor is one year older and I often have them over. 

I think because the age (and size) difference is so great and your nephew is 4, not 2, that I would correct him if he knocked down my 1 year old.  My DD is 2 and the neighbor is exactly a year older.  We set the expectation that he is not to physically hurt her (something he will commonly do with kids his own size and age).  He fully understands this and seldom does it anymore.  I think a 4 year old is more than capable of understanding this.  

My DD is the same size as my nephew who is a year younger, but even she gets that he is a baby and she has to share with him and be nice to him.

notlori925

Thanks for the advice.  It sounds like there just needs to be balance when we're correcting them for things.  Maybe that is my issue.  I think that I do correct probably more than I should and maybe it is overload for him.  I will have to try that.

soxfan

Hi

 My son is 23 months older than his sister and I couldn't ask for a better relationship between the two.  HOWEVER...

 He will make just a MOTION to kick, bit or hit and he gets a timeout.  He hardly ever does it anymore and he has NEVER connected.

 We already encourage sharing so that DD is involved in doing stickers, coloring and everything.  He puts stickers on her chair or excersaucer etc. 

He is very proud that he teaches her things like rolling over and talking and singing.  They now sit together in her crib in the morning or play together in the pack and play.

When I brought the baby home it was HIS baby.  We had always looked at baby pictures in magazines before I had the baby so he was SO EXCITED when he had his own.  

 It will be fine -- and I will say at just 6 months it's easier with two than it was with one! 

Good luck!

notlori925

Flem,

We are the same when it comes to DD mostly.  She started walking at 7 months and so we learned to let her fall.  She still falls a lot.  She goes to daycare 20 hours a week and gets to play outside with the bigger kids and has fallen on blacktop and gotten her head bruised many times.  I don't worry about her getting knocked down anymore really.  I guess it is just that to me, I had this notion that we're supposed to teach kids to play nice together and everything.  What I'm hearing from everyone is though is that they won't always be nice and that has to be okay.  You are right. It is a fine line and I guess I'll learn through trial and error(just like we've learned everything about DD.  lol)

LIbride1006

At 4 your nephew should know that your daughter is smaller and he should not be taking things from her. Letting it go is allowing him to be a bully. When he starts school this won't fly so it should be corrected now. I think you are handling the situation very well.

shopgirl78

Yes.  We go through this and its a bit different with siblings and being 2 yrs apart.  My rule is that all the toys are shared.   And if you don't share, it becomes mommy's toy.   My discipline approach doesn't really work for you.

Yes, your nephew needs to learn how to share but I think he needs to hear it from his parents and not from you. 

meggieroo

I don't think kids should have to get used to other kids knocking them down or pushing them, etc.  We do not allow DS1 to do any of that with DS2.  We tell him if he takes a toy from DS2 he has to replace it with another toy.  I do think kids should be taught to stick up for themselves when they are old enough to do so, like if a kid takes a toy from them they express that they don't like that (they encourage this a lot at our daycare).  But yes, I think they should be encouraging him to play respectfully with other kids, so I don't think you are wrong.