MIL having a hard time accepting...

slndr042305

Just a little vent. My MIL told me the other night she prays for us everyday, I thought, oh how nice she's praying we are matched/placed soon and expand our family through adoption. But no, she goes on to say that you never know, you hear of people trying to adopt and then it just happens, miracles and blah blah.

I have Stage 4 Endo, lost both tubes, 1 ovary and some ovarian tissue from my remaining ovary which has the function of a late 40 something woman (I'm 32). I also have to take birth control continuously to suppress the endo. To say prayer is not going to get me pregnant is putting it lightly.

Obv she's having a hard time letting go of the idea of having a biological grandchild...but we've known this for a full year now. I can't help but feel annoyed that she is still not accepting it. Comments like this brings up all the sadness, guilt, anger all over again that I had gotten past. Maybe its harsh but I have worked so hard to get to this point and I am so excited about adopting I kinda feel like she needs to get on board and shelve her feelings or get off this train...

 Sorry just have to vent to those who no doubt have experienced things like this and know the frustration.

JennyP9

I feel your pain.  Everyone has been more supportive than we even expected about the adoption process, but then almost everyone still says the same thing about a miracle happening once we adopt.  HELLO, adoption IS our miracle now!  It took awhile for me to heal about lack of fertility as well, so those comments don't help. 

 I just try to think that it is just for now, and that once we have our baby, everyone will forget about how he or she got here, and just focus on the joy of our new baby!

 -Jenny

Art Teacher

Does she know the specifics of your situation - the Endo, losing both of your tubes, the ovary/tissue?  If she doesn't, maybe it's time to flat out tell her so she'll stop what she's saying.

If she does know already, ugh...I'm sorry.  When we decided to stop treatment and adopt, my MIL kept asking me if she could help pay for a round of IVF with donor eggs.  She was trying to help, but I also think she was having a hard time dealing with the loss of a biological grandchild at that point.

I would try to sit down with her at some point and say what you said here - that when she says things like that, it makes you upset/sad and you've worked hard to get past that.  Tell her it's not helpful (the comments), only hurtful.  I'm guessing she just doesn't realize.

I'm sorry, though.  It's hard.  I agree with the pp who said that once the baby is here, I'm sure she'll be very happy to be a grandma! 

Foster1Mom

I really think people think they are "helping" by saying stuff like that. I do not think they really understand the process/healing it takes for someone with IF.

A few years ago my MIL made a similar comment and honestly I made a sarcastic comment about how it's hard to get pregnant when you do not ovulate. I do not think she understood what our issues were and thought she was helping. Honestly, since then she has been nothing but supportive. 

I hope your MIL comes around soon. It's a process for her as well. 

 

Julie721

I am so sorry you are dealing with your MIL's seeming lack of enthusiasm about adoption. We went through something similar with a family member. It was really hard and aggravating, and I wasn't sure how it would be once our LO was here.

Fast forward to having our son, and it seems that it has solved virtually all of it having him home. From my perspective, it seems as though hoping and praying for a pregnancy was their way of dealing with the waiting period. I don't get it, and I wish that their way of dealing was being excited about adoption, but it didn't seem to damper their excitement when we were actually matched and placed. 

I remember those feelings. Big hugs as you try to deal with her with love and grace. Hopefully you will see the same 180 when your LO comes to you. GL! 

DaisyZH

(( Hugs )) I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this, comments like that make it so much harder.  My MIL felt similarly but I had a talk with her a week or two ago and really explained exactly what my doctor had said, what our choices were, and I think that's what really made her much more receptive to adoption then I thought she would be.  Sometimes people don't realize how much pain you are going through and how much more pain they are inflicting by making these comments meant to encourage you.  If she says something again I might just mention to her how much she is hurting your feelings.  It takes a lot of time and work to move past the negative feelings and to have someone bringing it back into your life - it's just not fair to you.  I'm really sorry, I hope she understands and also like PPs said I'm sure when the baby is home this will all be in the past.

slndr042305

Thanks guys! I so appreciate this board and having people who know what it feels like.

Yes she knows fully what our IF situation is - I think its her way of dealing with it, and yea maybe she thinks she is helping. Its a little awkward for me to approach her about it but maybe its time to send in my hubby or even my FIL as my FIL and I are close and he is very easy to talk to!

 Thanks for the support! XO

Dr.Loretta

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

It may be that she's still grieving the loss of a bio grandchild, but yeah, after a year it's time to either process those feelings or STFU. It might be time to tell her bluntly, "You know, I've dealt with a lot of the loss and grief associated with my IF, and I'm ready to move on. You bringing up the idea of some miracle that isn't likely to happen, while not even acknowledging the hope that comes with our adoption, is very hurtful to me and just opens up old wounds. I want you to be as excited as we are about a new member of our family."

GL. I know it's tough.

Blsd4given

Dr.Loretta:

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

It may be that she's still grieving the loss of a bio grandchild, but yeah, after a year it's time to either process those feelings or STFU. It might be time to tell her bluntly, "You know, I've dealt with a lot of the loss and grief associated with my IF, and I'm ready to move on. You bringing up the idea of some miracle that isn't likely to happen, while not even acknowledging the hope that comes with our adoption, is very hurtful to me and just opens up old wounds. I want you to be as excited as we are about a new member of our family."

GL. I know it's tough.

I LOVE this response, Dr.L... I may use it some day if needed. 

OP, sorry your MIL isn't dealing well.  I hope she'll see the miracle of adoption the way you see it soon.  It can't be easy when family doesn't appear to be on the same page.

Art Teacher

Dr.Loretta:

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

It may be that she's still grieving the loss of a bio grandchild, but yeah, after a year it's time to either process those feelings or STFU. It might be time to tell her bluntly, "You know, I've dealt with a lot of the loss and grief associated with my IF, and I'm ready to move on. You bringing up the idea of some miracle that isn't likely to happen, while not even acknowledging the hope that comes with our adoption, is very hurtful to me and just opens up old wounds. I want you to be as excited as we are about a new member of our family."

GL. I know it's tough.

I agree with what Dr. L wrote.  I think I missed the part about it already being a year...yes, it's time for her to accept that you're moving forward with adoption and not thinking about having a bio child.

Foster1Mom

I need the section on it being a yr. also. You have the patience of a saint. I would have lost it in a year. I ditto Dr L.

ellekae

Dr.Loretta:

It may be that she's still grieving the loss of a bio grandchild, but yeah, after a year it's time to either process those feelings or STFU. It might be time to tell her bluntly, "You know, I've dealt with a lot of the loss and grief associated with my IF, and I'm ready to move on. You bringing up the idea of some miracle that isn't likely to happen, while not even acknowledging the hope that comes with our adoption, is very hurtful to me and just opens up old wounds. I want you to be as excited as we are about a new member of our family."

GL. I know it's tough.

OP, so sorry you are dealing with this! My MIL is having trouble accepting our adoption plan too, so I feel your pain about not having support from that side of the family. I love what Dr. L said above. If your MIL can't understand what her words are doing to you, then tell her... or at least have DH tell her if you can't.

Praying for you and your family!

slndr042305

ellekae:

Dr.Loretta:

It may be that she's still grieving the loss of a bio grandchild, but yeah, after a year it's time to either process those feelings or STFU. It might be time to tell her bluntly, "You know, I've dealt with a lot of the loss and grief associated with my IF, and I'm ready to move on. You bringing up the idea of some miracle that isn't likely to happen, while not even acknowledging the hope that comes with our adoption, is very hurtful to me and just opens up old wounds. I want you to be as excited as we are about a new member of our family."

GL. I know it's tough.

OP, so sorry you are dealing with this! My MIL is having trouble accepting our adoption plan too, so I feel your pain about not having support from that side of the family. I love what Dr. L said above. If your MIL can't understand what her words are doing to you, then tell her... or at least have DH tell her if you can't.

Praying for you and your family!

 

Love this Dr. L. STFU exactly...just time for me to step back and get some space. DH and I are so excited for our little blessing that's out there for us...and I'm only interested in trying to focus on the fact that we will be parents one day. Ellekae, I'm sorry you're having a hard time too, I'm praying for you too that our families get with the program! I am so grateful for the wonderful women on this board!