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Babies: 9 - 12 Months
amr1218
member
Vent - Incident at Grandparents
amr1218
member
Before I begin, here are a few side notes:
1. I love my parents and have a strong relationship with them
2. They love DD beyond comprehension
3. They have sacrificed a lot to stay home to keep DD while DH and I work
4. I do pay them competitive rates for in-home child care
5. DD is sleep trained
Now here's the rub...
DH is a teacher and went back to work this week (he kept DD over the summer). During the summer, DD's schedule changed (no daytime bottles, 2 naps, and regulated meals (we try to offer healthy foods). I explained the new schedule to my parents. They seemed good with it.
When I pick-up DD I ask the typical questions about her day - how long did she nap, how much did she eat, how was her mood, etc. In the course of the conversation yesterday, my mom finally confessed that DD took 3 naps (each short cat naps) while someone has holding and rocking her. She apologized and promised to do better tomorrow. That frustrated me a little because we have had a hard time getting them to 'buy in' to sleep training. They don't want to lay her down for naps - they don't see anything wrong with cuddling and holding her. I don't want to start a battle of who is right and who is wrong - I just want them to respect my wishes. We decided to use this method and the schedule is GREAT!
After moving past the nap issue, I saw something strange on DD's face. I asked what it was. My parents started laughing and saying, "Oops, we got caught", and "I told you we would get in trouble'. I was annoyed by this and kept asking - what did she have. They admitted to letting her try diet coke. This is the part that really made my blood boil.
First, I am pretty explicit about what foods DD gets. I have made it a personal goal to offer healthy foods and drinks so that when DD gets old enough to choose for herself - she has been exposed to good options. I feel like that has been undermined. This isn't the first time something like this has happened. She has been given powdered donuts, chocolate peanut butter cookies, and now diet coke.
Second, DD is a chunk. She has been in the 90% percentile for weight since around 3 months. People keep saying that these percentiles don't matter - but I don't want to ignore it and inadvertently contribute to childhood obesity.
Third - the most annoying - is that I feel duped. If I hadn't seen the residual 'coke stash' around her mouth - I wouldn't have ever known. It is hard enough to be a full time working mom. Trust is super important. I hate the feeling like my decisions as a parent are being ignored and undermined - AND being kept secret.
I do tend to overreact. That is why I am venting here and hoping to get over it before unloading on my parents. Like I said above - they love DD and I have no worries about her physical safety. And my parents are very sensitive to this child-care arrangement. Anytime I try to bring up subtle changes that I would like them to make - they think I am judging them or punishing them, and pull the...look at the sacrifice we are making so that she can stay with us. I feel like I have a legitimate complaint here, but am scared to say anything about it. I can't afford traditional daycare. DH is way more frustrated with the incident described above - but chooses to stay out of it & I appreciate that.
Last, DD woke up at 1:00 this morning screaming her head off. I finally had to bring her to bed with DH and I just so we could try to sleep. I can't help but blame the interruptions to her day-time schedule for her waking in the middle of the night. The rational side of my brain says that it is probably teething or growth-spurt - but the tired and annoyed side of my brain wanted to call my parents and say "THIS IS WHY WE HAVE A NAP SCHEDULE!". Instead I have just been passive aggressive and applying a guilt trip.
Sorry for the long rant. Just needed to get that off my mind. Thanks in advance if you have any pearls of wisdom to share.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Vent - Incident at Grandparents
Holy Cow!
Diet Coke, Powered Donuts, Choc PB Cookies and Interrupted nap schedules.
Oh now, the diet coke would be my last straw! If you are paying your parents & they aren't meeting your needs, they are sneaking all kinds of adult junk food into your 11mths old diet I would FIRE them!!!!
Find daycare elsewhere. I'm not saying she is in danger but if they can't follow your lead as your daughter's Mother & they are going to under mind you in front of her & they have the mentality of what Mama doesn't know won't hurt her You need to let them go. It will effect your relationship with them and your daughter in the future.
If you want to keep your healthy relationship with them find other daycare!
I agree with this. While I wouldn't be very upset about DD trying a small about of diet coke you clearly would and your parents not only knew this, but tried to keep it from you and acted like it was some big joke when you caught them. You mentioned you are paying them at the same competitive rates as a daycare already so I would start to consider moving her or at least sitting down and having a very frank discussion about your expectations as a parent and that that when they are her daily care providers they are not to be acting as grandparents, but respecting your wishes.
I would think differently if they had just been watching her while you and your H went out to a movie because I do think it's more or less okay for grandparents to spoil their grandkids and do silly things every once in a while. However, this is an ongoing thing and what they are doing can/will seriously mess with the routine you've worked so hard to establish (going back to the napping thing--now, that would really piss me off!).
No wonder she couldn't nap without being held-- she was on a sugar high! There is a difference between "trying" diet coke and ending up with a sugar ring around her mouth. She must have been going to town with it.
I would be livid. It doesn't matter if you are paying them or not. They could be watching her while you and DH went out for dinner and a movie or more regularly. If they don't respect your wishes on nutrition, sleep, and general parenting practices then they shouldn't be watching her. If DD's daycare teachers did any of the above we'd be finding a new resource.
BTW- I'd be sent over the edge if they said something about getting caught and were secretive about her day. You can't have a trusting caregiver relationship with secrets. I would drive myself crazy wondering what they DIDN'T tell me.
I would agree to find other day care. The problem with mixing personal and business is that even when you are paying people they tend not to take it seriously or behave as professionally as they should.
At this point I am not ready to fire my parents. But I am very aware that I need to set some more concrete boundaries. I just have to figure how to do this w/o coming off like an ice queen. I am going to start by typing out DD's schedule and maybe having my mom chart DDs daily routine. Still working this out in my head.
I can kind of relate to the napping part. My mom keeps my DS and although we did sleep training a few months ago and I put him down for naps awake, she won't let him cry and still holds him for naps at her house. For us, it hasn't affected his sleep at home so it's fine.
The part that I would be really mad about is the coke! It's not like our babies are old enough to ask for it. For them to give it to her just to try is pointless. I would sit them down for a talk and say, "Look, I really appreciate you keeping her, but I feel like you are undermining me. Please do not feed her anything unhealthy." I'm sure they don't want to make you and DH mad. If it were to happen again I would look at putting her in a real DC. Also, maybe say that they are losing your trust by trying to hide things from you. I know older people have the attitude that they did things that way when we were little and we turned out just fine, but we know more now and they need to parent the way you want them to.
Maybe I'm alone in thinking that you're totally over reacting. I don't know you or your parents, but I promise they didn't give her a whole sippy of diet coke to drink, they probably just let her try it. Ditto with the cookies or whatever else. Lighten up, she's a kid, let her try new things now and then. Also, if she napped in their arms for a little while, she was probably tired. I'm sure that the voice in the back of your head telling you that she was up in the middle of the night because of teething or something is correct. 3 catnaps instead of two "scheduled" naps is really not so different.
I would also be frustrated by parents or whoever was watching my kid being sneaky or trying to keep things from me, but they would never do that, because I would never react the way that you did. I trust the people who watch my kid to make good choices about her eating and sleeping habits, and I let them make those choices. Most days I don't even ask about her eating and sleeping when I pick her up, because I trust that whatever happened was fine, because DD is always fine when I get her.
PS, whatever you're paying your parents is less than what you'd be paying a "traditional" daycare - you said yourself that you can't afford traditional day care. Plus, your DD is getting a lot more personalized, loving attention from her grandparents than she'd be getting from a daycare. It's a win-win. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth - "firing" your parents over this would be absurd. Lighten up. They raised you, trust them to help raise your daughter.
Agree with all this...
But they obviously knew the soda was a no-no, but tried to hide it from her! That evasiveness and wanton disregard for the OP's wishes is what bothers me the most.
Ok but to take her away? My parents never gave us fast food but when we went to our grandparents, they gave it to us. Grandparents are for spoiling. Both grandma's spoil my child and I would never threaten taking him away. I am not a dramatic person though.
The child in question is 11 months old. That is way too young for junk food and soda. It is irresponsible and dangerous.
Dangerous? You're not serious, right? I shared my cake and ice cream with my 11 month old at a party the other day, am I putting her in danger? Of what?! That's ridiculous. It's not like I'm giving her cake and ice cream for dinner, or I'm feeding her a huge plate of it - there is no harm in a kid eating a few bites of sweets now and then. You guys seriously need to lighten up a little. Grandparents are going to give kids stuff like this because - news flash - kids like it! It's about moderation. Here's the solution: "hey mom and dad, I understand that you get a kick out of feeding DD new things, but lets not make a habit of cookies and soda every day, ok? thanks. And by the way, I really appreciate that you made a bunch of sacrifices to help me out by watching my kid every day."
It's shady that OP's parents were being sneaky or trying to hide it from her, no doubt. That would piss me off too. But I guarantee you they reacted that way because the knew OP would overreact to the "incident." Like I said, my family (or DH's family) wouldn't try to hide things like this from us in the first place because they know that we wouldn't mind if they let DD try some diet coke, or a doughnut, or a cookie, or whatever. They're also responsible adults who know better than to give her heaping portions of those things all the time, as I'm sure OP's parents are.
FWIW - I do appreciate both sides. I know that I over-react. I said as much in the original post. That is why I came here to vent. I knew without a doubt that I would receive much needed reality therapy.
Thanks again to all that posted and offered opinions and solutions. My parents are good, kind-hearted people who have good intentions. My feelings got hurt because I felt undermined as an adult and as a parent. It is definitely something we can work though - I just have to figure out the best way to handle it.
This is the issue; not whether whatever they did is bad or wrong or harmful, but that they knowingly, repeatedly, are doing things that OP does not approve of. This is not an ocassional visit to grandma's house where you get spoiled and get away with things, this is daycare, for which grandparents are being PAID (and I'd like to know what they are "sacrificing" to take care of LO?), and I don't care if OP said "I don't want her to wear pink onesies," they need to respect her decisions and not be sneaky about it.
OP, I don't think you need to freak out on them or fire them, but ithink you do need to sit them down, maybe take them to dinner, and explain 1) the reasons behind the things you've asked of them (such as WHY the nap schedule, etc.) and 2)explain to them how upset it makes you to feel like they are constantly lying to you and hiding things from you, and that it makes you uncomfortable to leave LO with them. Maybe if they see it from that perspective, they will be more considerate and respectful of what you've asked.
Sorry if my posts came off as a little harsh yesterday.
I'm glad that you feel better, though, and I hope that you can work past this with your parents. Try to just take a deep breath and keep things in perspective. Good luck!