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Natural Birth
Birth bashers :(
I needed a place to vent my frustration, and my DH has already listened (and agreed with me)-- I figured you ladies might understand.
We went to a BBQ at a friend's on the weekend and didn't know anyone there but the hosts. Ds (6 months) was playing on the floor and another lady (older than us, with almost adult children) was gleefully telling me how a friend was in labour (a coworker of my friend and this lady) at the moment. She wasn't gleeful about the new baby on the way, but how this poor new mom's birth plans were shot... The woman had apparantly planned a home birth ("where her husband would hold her hand and she would just breathe the pain away"), and was at the hospital with an epidural and pitocin instead. This lady was gong on and on about how 'crazy' it is that people would choose to not have meds and have a baby at home, and how great it was that she ended up having to go the hospital and had an epi.
I was kind of shocked. I don't think labour is anything to sneeze at, no matter how you deliver your baby, and a labouring and postpartum mother deserves support (not for a friend to mock your birth choices and then go around telling strangers about the changed plans and how much better it is).
Needless to say, I told her that I had a home birth with DS, and yes my husband did hold my hand. It was wonderful and I would do it again. I was lucky that I had two amazing midwives (although this mom would have as well, there are only three in town and two are required to be at a home birth) and though my back labour was long and intense, I thought it was overall a good experience. She looked shocked. And then asked if I had a doula. When I said no, that I had two midwives and my husband, she said "while isn't a midwife and a doula the same thing?" SMH. DH explained the differences to her, as I didn't think I could continue a conversation without becoming rude.
Why do women have to bash other women's births and birth choices? It's so ridiculous!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Birth bashers :(
I wish there was a good way to educate people about home births. Im afraid most of society wont get the message for another 20 years and its our children who will be judged least (at least I hope so!) Maybe by then, it will be more understood how its a choice, and not a bad one.
Right now, we are often dealing with generations that thought home births were for "those hicks in the hills" and poor people, and not for educated mothers as well. I am glad you were able to educate her on doula vs midwife. Hopefully with loving interaction we can explain home birth as a wonderful option and not something to scoff at.
And I do wish people would get off their high horses thinking mother who want a med free birth, especially those at home, are just trying to prove a point. Just let us birth our babies in peace and you can do the same. If the med free birth doesnt work out, thank God we are in a country where we can access good medical care if needed, but please dont shove it down my throat.
I don't remember everything but I was laughing so hard! Now I do plan on going to the hospital, but that is my only option unless I'd like to try this on my own and I don't particularly want to! But hopefully I'll be able to try a home birth in the future!
And obviously I suggest that you use sarcasm next time this happens. It helps you not bite someone's head off for being ignorant and rude!!
I'm a curious poster about natural birthing, lurking and saw this thread.
I agree this woman was pretty rude. That said, she might be of a generation (like generations before her) that it was the social norm to have a hospital birth. I think today more and more people are steering towards natural births, whether at home, at a birthing center or in a hospital (w/o epidurals, etc.)
Obviously she has NO idea about the difference between a midwife and doula, and trying to get her to fully understand might have been very difficult. Did she seem to understand after your DH explained it to her?
I think you and your DH did well to show compassion for her friend who ended up in the hospital and toward her despite her negativity. I bet it will at least make her think twice about degrading someone's choices in public in the future.
...baby #3 is here...
That is so horrible! I can't imagine wishing a negative birth experience on someone, just because their birth preferences differ. Outrageous. I would have left the conversation, too.
BFP#2: EDD 2/11/14, MMC confirmed 7/15/13 (growth stopped at 6 weeks), D&C @ 12 weeks 7/25/13
Oh my gosh, that is so awesome!! I almost cried laughing so hard. I can't wait to show my dh.
We had a hospital birth with our first. EVERYONE we talked to pre-birth about our desires to go natural laughed at us and told us how stupid it was (except my dad, he was pretty neutral). I ended up caving and had a wretched experience. I'd never ever wish a typical over-managed problem-creating hospital birth on anyone. I love reading the great hospital birth stories, but I was too afraid of a repeat with the rest, so we stay home. I can so see my dh saying "I just didn't want to put pants on" to someone getting snarky with him. Usually peoples responses when I pipe up and confess our U/C's is that "oh you're so brave" with wide eyes. But that's not how I feel. I feel like I took our trust out of the medical establishment who doesn't really have our best interest in mind, and I put it completely in God. If He ever leads us to a hospital birth again, so be it, but we're better off at home if that's where He leads us.
Comedian is Jim Gaffigan. He is hilarious!
Yeah, she didn't seem to really get it. Later I heard her talking to another woman (who said she had an unmedicated birth too) about how "no one gives you a medal" for not having meds... Which was not my point/ my reason. I had DS at home because it was right for us, I was perfectly healthy and had a good pregnancy, my midwife was supportive and experienced... and besides, if I changed my mind I live a few minutes from the hospital. If I had to go to the hospital (if my midwife had another client in labour at the same time) I would have had an unmedicated birth anyway. I was mostly just mad/sad for the woman I don't know, her friend, who was having what sounded to be a tough labour...
To the pp who said people are unsupportive of cloth diapering: they said the same to us, but we've been going strong for 6 months and LOVE it! Use the negativity as fuel to prove them wrong.
My closest friend of nearly 20 years told me recently, unsolicited but totally knowing I'm planning to have this baby at home, that she "doesn't believe in" homebirths. It was via text message, so I didn't really get much chance to ask her questions, educate her, etc...but then a few weeks later she asks me when I'll see my doula again. I'm like, "my doula? At 36 weeks..." and she says something like, "ooh, really? Wow...well I guess I would've thought they'd want to see you throughout your pregnancy more, but okay...healthy baby, healthy mom, no need huh?" I knew she meant my freaking midwife, but she doesn't even know the difference between a midwife - someone licensed by the California medical board - someone with over 3000 births under her belt, a registered nurse with additional midwifery training, and did I mention MEDICALLY BOARD LICENSED?! - and a doula and she's going to form an opinion on my birth choice?? AND, assume that because I'm having a home birth I'm okay with absolutely NO prenatal care or observation???? It BLOWS MY MIND how uneducated people are about home birth and yet still think it's okay to form opinions about who should or shouldn't have them.
So yeah...your story made me want to vent mine. It SUCKS how judgmental, rude, and ignorant some people are. I mostly try not to talk about it with strangers...but I would've thought I could talk about it with my friend of 20 years...and I can't even talk to her. It's tough. So much needs to change in our society's ignorant birth culture.
I think the older generation has had trouble letting go of the idea that pregnancy is an "illness" type thinking. Kind of like why older people tend to freak out if a pregnant person does any manual labor, lifts anything, etc etc etc. My MIL is CONVINCED that I delivered my son at 36 weeks because I planted flowers the day he was born :-) Because yes, digging a hole for pansies automatically causes premature labor (insert eye-roll) You should have seen her face when I explained that I wasn't going to deliver flat on my back with my feet in stirrups when I was pregnant with my first - when I explained I would probably squat him out, she nearly fell over. She said that it was impossible and was just completely taken back that I would ever consider such a thing. :-)
"Generationally," a lot of men believe women should still be out of the workplace, that doesn't make their opinions any less offensive or out of place in this day and age. I don't care if you are 75 and every woman you know was elated about the ability to give birth with an epidural, it's no excuse to look down on someone else's birth decision or to try to publicly shame her for her choices. When will it become as socially unacceptable to berate a woman for wanting a med-free birth as it is to berate her for her decision to work outside the home? Oh, wait, women do still get berated about that in some circles. Gaaaaa. It all makes me really angry.
Wow. She sounds like a total twat. What decent person is happy when something goes awry for her friend? I would've called her out on that. And then I would've told her about my home birth to make her look like an even bigger douche around everyone else.
I'm now totally giving some unknown woman the stink-eye...
Thats Jim Gaffigan. You can see his comments on streaming netflix. Its great!
Agreed. Up until recently, women weren't given much of a choice when it came to birth. My mother swears to this day that her headaches were a result of a botched epidural. But back in the 70s and 80s, they weren't usually given an option. Many women who gave birth in that time period truly don't know any better.