Late Term and Child Loss

He has kids; I don't.

I resent my fiance.  He's been great during all of this but the truth is that he still has 2 kids.  We share 50% custody with their mom so they should be around all the time but I've told him that I just can't take it right now.  I've lost 100% of my kids.  I feel like he still has 2 reasons to go on.  I have none.  He misses them and talks about how much he wants/needs to see them.  It pisses me off b/c I CAN'T see my babies and I miss them so much!  I told him that he should be the one person who understands how I feel and I resent him b/c he can't possibly understand: he has kids to hug and kiss and love and watch grow up.  I'm alone. 

Is anybody else dealing with this?  What should I do?  I'm ready to pack my things and leave.  It's too much.

Baby W. Early miscarriage @ 6w. Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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Re: He has kids; I don't.

  • I'm so sorry; I can understand how you might feel this way. I am not in your situation, but I can say that even in my situation DH and I grieved differently and that was hard. I had to make a conscious effort to not resent him and to not argue with him. I lost my child and was determined to not lose my marriage too.

    Have you sought out a support group in your area? I highly recommend this. Even though I was nervous, and DH didn't want to go initially it REALLY helped. It helped him to open up and talk about it and see how other dads were dealing with it. It was incredibly helpful to talk face to face with other people who had lived through this.

    Emotions are running high right now; you are so fresh in your loss. Don't make any big decisions right now. Allow the dust to settle.

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  • I think what weddedwife said is pretty good advie. I know my grief counselor told me not to make any really big life changing events at all with in the first 3 months of our loss of our DD. I think it is great advice. I wouldn't make any changes if you help it. Thinking of you!!
    DS- Brenden born 11/13/93 Missed miscarriage on March 6, 2007 @ 9 weeks D&C on March 8th 2007. Riley Annalise born 2/25/08 ( 3 weeks early weighing 8 lbs 12.8 oz.) Chemical pregnancy 3/2010. Sydney Adriana born sleeping on 9/30/11 weighing 10lbs 3 oz at 38wks 4 days. Trinity Alivia born via c section at 36 wks 4 days weighing 9 lbs. 5.7 oz. She is our amazing rainbow baby!!! Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers PGAL buddy drvst8
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  • I do understand how you feel.  I have a son but have lost three daughters.  My boyfriend has a daughter and I resent the fact that he gets to have a daughter and I never will.  I have not wanted to see her and have made every excuse in the book. It finally came to a head last week and we had a big blowup.  I am going to see him tonight for the first time since Thursday, but she will not be with him.  Today is the one month anniversary of Vivian's death and it has been that long since I have seen her.

    Something to think about.  Do you really resent him?  Be more gentle with yourself and please don't do anything drastic.  I know you are hurting but leaving is not going to make that go away but I'm afraid it will compound it.

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
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    EDD: 04/08/2012  M/C: 09/03/2011
    EDD: 12/27/2012  Born Sleeping: 07/19/2012
    EDD: 12/07/2013  M/C 05/30/2013 & 05/31/2013
    EDD:  07/01/2016 Born sleeping: 03/02/2016

  • I'm just so angry because I'm so alone.  I've lost my baby and with that I've lost the strongest connection I had to my fiance and to his kids.  Now it's back to them...and me.  I hate feeling like an outsider.  I hate that his world is relatively unchanged.  Most of all, though, I hate that I'll never have my baby. 

    Right now, he's at his mom's house with his kids.  I know he wants to be with them and probably wants to spend the night with them.  I realize they all need each other right now.  But letting him stay with them just compounds my loneliness.  Again, it's them...and me!

    GBabyMom, have you made any plans to see your boyfriend's daughter? 

    Baby W. Early miscarriage @ 6w. Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    My Blog
  • I do.  I get it completely. K is 7 years old and when Kamryn died she was 4.  We have 100% custody of her, always have and when Kam died I couldn't bear to look at her.  To be a mommy to someone who wasn't mine.  Even though I had been doing it for years.

    They can't get it if they have a baby to fall back on.  Their hearts are still walking around breathing and playing, Ours is broken and gone.  That is how I felt. 

    It is hard, we got in a lot of fights about it.  I have no adivec b/c it is just an impossible situation in the beginning.  You want nothing to do with it but when there is another child that you can hug and love a parent needs/ wants that because it helps the pain. 

    I don't want to say lessens but it difuses it.  Makes it a bit easier to bear.  I find it easier some now that I can lean on and hold to my rainbow but before him I felt so amandoned and alone.  Just remember that he still feels it, but he is in a different place.  I am sorry you know this feeling. 

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