Having a rough night...

PhillyGal34

Tonight I was on our computer and saw a picture of DS right after he was born with the cpap on.  I'd never seen this because he was off oxygen by the time I was allowed to see him. Seeing it shook me though.  I've been crying  ever since off and on and now I keep flashing back to those nights at the hospital. Especially the night before I was released. That night I took a shower and just lost it. I curled in a ball on the floor and cried. Dh came in and found me like that. It was by far the most shattered ive felt my entire life. Leaving him in the nicu when I went home killed me. Clearly we survived it and he's doing great but I think the idea  of going back to work in two weeks and leaving him again is bringing back the feelings. I can't help but feel like I'm abandoning him on some level. I just feel broken tonight. I've been doing so good too. Feeling normal and almost "forgetting" what all we went through and bam. It's back. 

 

No real point to this. I just needed to get it out to someone that might understand. Dh is sleeping and I don't want to wake him and DS up so I'm in the nursery just thinking. Probably not the best thing to do.  

pathfindermon

I'm so sorry your feeling so bad.  I can really relate.  Out lo's were born around the same time and are around the same age.  I broke down tonight also.  I saw a thing on the internet about a baby in the NICU and it was just to much for me.  I feel like I'm almost in denial that it ever happened.  And, when I see something like that- or a pic of him for the NICU- it comes flooding in that it is real.  I was actually better a month ago then I am now.  I'm really hoping it will get easier with time.  I'm glad that you posted this- it helps me realize that I'm not alone.  That's why I love this board- you are the only people in the world who really understand what I'm going through and have gone through.  I'm sending hugs and love your way.  I hope your feeling better soon!

PhillyGal34

Hugs back at you. I'm sorry you are going through it too! But like you said, it's nice not to feel alone. I too sometimes feel like I'm in denial. I told someone recently that I feel like I was watching a movie about someone who went through this. That woman was really strong and upbeat most of the time and had her down moments but was happy a lot. Looking back I can't believe I was as strong as I was at times. The last month+ since he came home I've been on cloud 9. Now the reality of leaving him again is crushing me. I imagine it's hard for any parent. Term or not but at least they were able to enjoy all of their leave   

EmmaPlus1

aw so sorry to hear...

I was so fortunate...my daugher was in the NICU where my mom used to work (she had just switched departments 2 weeks prior).  All the nurses and doctors knew my family which was so great.  I got discharged after being in the hospital for a week (had my galbladder removed prior to baby coming), i was so happy to be discharged to see my other little one, i couldnt be upset to leave the new baby. 

LUCKILY, when i was started to feel down about her being in the hospital she was ready to come home.  Baby was born 7 weeks early and was able to leave the NICU after just 2 weeks, weighing 4lbs even

 

LOOK AT OUR LITTLE ONES NOW.... THEY ARE DOING GREAT

DrRx

I'm sorry that you're having such a rough night.  For me, going back to work wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  In a way it was really great because it made me feel "normal"--like, we had finally settled down and things were getting back to normal.  I felt like I could finally start the year.  It also helped that the day before I went back to work Adalyn smiled at me for the first time.

 

PhillyGal34

DrRx:

I'm sorry that you're having such a rough night.  For me, going back to work wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  In a way it was really great because it made me feel "normal"--like, we had finally settled down and things were getting back to normal.  I felt like I could finally start the year.  It also helped that the day before I went back to work Adalyn smiled at me for the first time.

 

 

I said to dh that I really hope he smiles before I go back. If not I'm ok of course but that would be great.  

Missa_g

Huge hugs. For me going back to work has caused a lot of emotions and traumatic memories to surface. I think for me I was in crisis mode for so long that when things finally settled down to our new normal I finally had time to really process it. I'm going to see a counselor soon to help me learn coping tools.

adrielegorburu

hugs to you OP! I think we have probably all been there - I was diagnosed with PTSD after her birth by the counselors that our NICU offered to all long term preemie parents - it was really really helpful to talk about everything I was feeling while I was there - I have been dealing with a lot of "flash backs" whenever I see photos or that darn GE commercial - its crazy how much it sets me back sometimes. It took a while until I felt we were in a "normal" place but every now and then there is a sharp reminder of our NICU days and what DD has been through but it gets better. Now instead of a helpless shattered feeling I feel weirdly proud of her and us.... I plan on seeing someone again as well - its time I let these feeling go. It wouldnt be a bad idea for you to see someone as well if you think you are up to it... just like its beneficial to let it out on here it could be great to talk to someone who can help you come to terms with it. GL and feel better

rels09

Ugh, I am already dreading going back to work. Hugs to you!

urbanflowerpot

I'm sorry you had a rough night. I used to have similar nights when I'd come across a photo, something I'd written...and for a while I kept reading his discharge summary. That was torture but I couldn't seem to stop. I was enchanted by their third person medical account of what had happened.

Anyway, it does get easier. I know people say that a lot and I used to think: but it's not easy now! I still have moments but after they turn a year it seems like so much just lifts up and away.