I want to be happy again, and someday, I want to have a baby. Every time I think of those things, though, I feel this tremendous guilt that by moving on, we're leaving him behind.
Has anyone else felt this way? How do you get past it?
All the time sweetie! It's especially bad for me right now because we're moving out of the only home our son ever knew. The only way I get through it is to remind myself that there is no way to leave your child behind. They are forever with you even if you don't consciously think about them every second of everyday. They watch over you every second of every day. They will follow you every where. This may sound crazy but I actually talked to my son and asked him if he would come with us when we move. He made a funny face like he didn't understand why I was asking and then told me "of course I will mommy, I go everywhere you go so why wouldn't I move with you?" My DH and I also decided almost immediately that if we're lucky enough to have another child, that that child will know all about their big brother. A week ago or so my husband said something that I don't even think he realized he said. We were talking about moving and we were talking to our dog (I know, we're a bit crazy when it comes to that) and he told our dog that once we move into the new house, the 4 of us would go outside and play Frisbee. It's just my DH, our dog and myself but he subconsciously counted Corbin. We always will. Whenever people ask if we have kids (and I know it's going to happen a lot soon as we get to know the new neighbors), I always say we have a son who became an angel in heaven when he was 36 days old. I can't deny him.
Ok, so I realized this got way long. I hope at least something I said helped. Cliff notes version - you'll feel guilty but you shouldn't. Our angels want us to be happy and you can never forget them or leave them behind. Ever. HUGS
In memory of Corbin Scott 10/28/11-12/3/11.
Heaven got another angel the night you left this world behind
Heaven got a little better the day it took you away from me
Missing you tonight, see you again sometime
For now I'll close my eyes and dream of heaven tonight
I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
Now and Forever
My baby you'll be
All. The. Time. The first time I laughed and felt happy it was immediately gone because I instantly felt guilty. Try to think of it this way: you are not moving on, you are moving forward. You are putting the pieces of your life back together. Your love for him comes with you.
weddedwife:All. The. Time. The first time I laughed and felt happy it was immediately gone because I instantly felt guilty. Try to think of it this way: you are not moving on, you are moving forward. You are putting the pieces of your life back together. Your love for him comes with you.
This exactly. Take time to grieve and focus on your angel, but, your desire for another child(ren) doesn't take place of that. You are not "moving on"...you can never "move on"...you are moving forward, learning to live and cope with your grief and healing. It gets easier, having happy moments, that is. When you do find yourself TTC or Pg again, the grief morphs and you learn how to keep your baby's memory alive in new ways. For me, it was still being involved in March of Dimes in Logan's honor, even while I was pregnant again and had to be pushed in a wheel chair because of pre-term labor. It was visiting the cemetery when I could, posting pictures, and creating a photo book that my rainbow baby could read from early on so that she always knows about her big brother. *hugs* Your feelings and emotions are not uncommon.