UGH, VENT!

dpraseutsinh

so, i have a group of friends and don't get me wrong, they're great friends. but man, they are SUCH downers when it comes to talking about my pregnancy! now, they all have kids, so i understand they have their own opinions and experiences. but EVERYTIME they ask me about my pregnancy (are you doing an epi? are you breasfeeding? etc...) they constantly put down my answers. i told them i want a natural birth and i'm going to try my best to not have the epidural and all they can say is "oh, trust me, you won't make it, you're gonna want that epidural asap" and when i tell them i want to breastfeed for a few months, they tell me "oh, you won't last, it's gonna crack your nipples and you're gonna just give up". look, i get that they've had horrible experiences, but LEAVE ME HECK ALONE! why can't they just shut up and say "good luck, i hope you'll make it" instead of trying to freaking burst my bubble and tell me i can't do something! how the heck do THEY know that i won't be able to make it or breastfeed for 6 months? dang, makes me so mad!

aylafsu88

I had the same experience when I was pregnant.  Everyone told me (except my DH and my mom) that I could NOT have a natural birth, I wouldn't be able to handle the pain.  Hearing those words made me even more determined to have a natural birth and I did!  I think that many women say negative things to other moms because they feel self conscious about the decisions they made in their pregnancy and BFing.  Somehow they feel like they are being judged for not BF or for getting an epidural so they have to validate their choice by telling you that you wont be able to do it.  It seems like many women forget that there is no wrong way to have a baby (natural, epi, c-section) or feed a baby (BF or FF) each mom can make their own choices, as long as the babies are happy and healthy that is all that matters!

mystrana

Yeah, basically what the pp said - people can feel like their experiences/choices are being "judged" when someone says they want to have the opposite experience.

Also, depending on their situations, maybe they wanted to BF or go without an epidural or whatever, and couldn't and don't want you to feel guilt if that scenario plays out. 

I know it's frustrating, but I'd just let them know that you'd prefer positive support and let them know that you think they're doing a fine job raising their kids (I'm assuming if they're your friends, you think that! )

Nechie122

I would try not to internalize what they say too much. They're not really commenting on you, per se, they honestly believe they are sharing the "wisdom" of their experience. It may come across as tactless or judgmental, but just shrug it off. Also, looking just at the numbers, the majority of women DO get an epidural and DO switch to formula after a few months. Even now, I'll be talking to someone I don't know very well, and she'll put down natural birth without knowing I had one. I try not to take it too personally.

chronoptomist

I've found that one of the fastest ways to shut down the questions is just to respond with any "why" questions by saying that I'm a tree hugging hippie.  I don't know why it works so well, but it does.  I also pick up a very nonchalant attitude and say something like, "Eh, women have been doing it since the beginning of time this way and it seems to work.  I figure my body is made to do this, so why not just do what's natural?"  It's a less abrasive way of saying that I think it's the right thing to do.  It really seems to shut people down when I'm so passive and not ready to push my views on others.

BakerMommy

Stop responding to their questionsturn them back on them. Either "why do you ask?", or if they've asked before, "We've already discussed this. Why do you ask again?". If you're feeling particularly snarky, "Are you asking to find out my opinion or assert your own?"should do the trick.

musicalmama5

When people say stuff like that to me, it makes me even stronger in my determination to do it MY WAY!

beachhippiemama

Why not say that to them? Say wow, thanks for the vote of confidence or I really appreciate how much you are supporting my decision, I love how positive you are being for me. Be sure to make unwavering eye contact when you say these. They will get the point.

WearingRed

I too wish people would say "i didn't make it but I hope you do" end of story. Or even "i couldn't do it, but I hope you have a better experience". I don't have an answer for why people feel the need to bring you down with them.

mjr12

It bothers me so much when people do this.  Birth is not a time for war stories. 

I found that saying something like "My birth will be a positive experience, because I was made to do this." really stopped people.  It made them think. 

Usually, though, I would just smile and walk away, and forget what they said.  I am me, and I am giving birth, and I fed my baby from my breasts for 15 months until he self weaned.  Natural birth isn't that big of a deal.  Truly. 

RockyMtnMama

Did any of the prep or try for a natural birth?  Since they are your friends, I'm guessing you have talked about that and so maybe you could ask them specific advice when they say negative things.  Maybe about how they could have prepared more (if at all) or what changed their minds.  Then it gets them talking and you don't have to defend yourself or your choices and can shrug it off.

I also like the pp's idea of a sarcastic, "Thanks for the vote of confidence, friend."