Can I get a mans perpsective here???

pejay

Hi all,

 FTM here and our baby is now 4 weeks old.  In the short 4 weeks of her life DH has gone golfing atleast 5 times.  That is all he talks about during the week and every Sunday he is gone 5-6 hours.  I try to tell him that it needs to take a back seat right now with a newborn and he really just truly doesnt understand. 

I am getting the impression that he didnt think life would change when we had our baby...He still wants to get up, go to work, come home, be in bed early, and golf on the weekends. 

My opinion - he is going to work every day and although I am on leave I am "working" too taking care of our newborn.  So when he comes home from work although we are both still "working" since a baby doesnt end at 5pm it is more split duty.  Then the weekends are for us to spend together as a family and to help eachother out in caring for her.  This is both our opportunities to catch up on sleep with naps and just enjoy eachother and our new family.  I feel like when he goes golfing on the weekend that just makes me have to "work" 6 days a week. 

I cant help but feel like he is choosing golf over hanging out with us.  (Is this just me being hormonal and sensitive??) 

Also, I dont think I would mind him golfing every weekend except that then during the week all I hear is "I am so tired, I am so exhausted, etc".  But not too tired to go golfing in 100 degree weather!!

If he is so tired and exhausted shouldnt he use the weekend to catch up on sleep so he can help me out? 

Sorry for rambling!     

mejane123

I'm not a guy, but I'm just curious.  How was your DH raised?  That can say a lot about the kind of dad he feels he should be.  DH and I were raised in very different households.  I was raised in a house with two parents who took equal time in raising me, teaching me how to do things, and just spending time with me.  They taught me that a relationship/marriage was a partnership that involved two people, especially when it came to raising a child.  DH's house was much different.  Mom was the cooker, cleaner, child-rearer, etc., as that was seen as the woman's duty.  It's still the same now with his stepmom (very traditional male-dominant Hispanic family).  

DH and I have actually butted heads on this topic several times because he was raised to be the man of the house, whereas I was raised to have no single "head of household" so to speak.  It took some getting used to, but we've both been able to compromise.  He has his household stuff and I have mine, and if I ask him to clean the bathrooms while I go to the grocery store, he has no problem with it, just like I have no problem watering the lawn if he needs to do something.  But when we first moved in together, he expected me to be able to "keep a house" while working full time, not taking into consideration that both his mom and stepmom were SAHMs and had significantly more time for housekeeping duties.  It was a somewhat rude awakening for us both.  Once I laid it out for him, his perspective changed.  We still have our bumps, but for the most part, it's worked out.

I do have one suggestion.  Can you possibly make your own plans for a weekend day, and have him stay home with the LO for a few hours?  Go to lunch and a matinee with mom or a girlfriend?  Maybe truly seeing it from your perspective as the only one there during the day will help him understand how you're feeling.  If he gets mad that you want to go out and do your own thing, then he's just being a jerk.  I think you both should be able to have your time to yourself, but he does need to understand that he's no longer #1 in his life, your LO is.  What is his response when you tell him golfing should take a backseat for now?

draeray

I am replying on my husband's behalf since he doesn't have a log in but I read your post to him:

"He needs to grow up and put family first. This is most important during the first year of your new life as you adapt to your new family. Hobbies are okay to have as long as they aren't taking away from the little bit of family time you have together.  

In my opinion, he is being insensitive and selfish!"

ladyjenna13

As an avid golfer who has gotten out as much as possible every summer since I was a teen, I can assure you this man of your's has lost his mind completely,  As a matter of fact, I have only been out maybe five times since my wife went into her third trimester.  The rest of the time has been spent preparing for the kid to arrive and to be there for my wife.  When I have gone out, it has been early, early, early, like sunrise early, so I have been home well before 11am.

Not to mention the cost!!!

He needs to get his head out of his a** and realize that those carefree weekends of golf and beer are over.  For most hackers, golf is PARTY TIME, so that is probably what is really drving him to the golf course, which is even worse. 

He can hit a bucket at a range in a 1/2 hour......remind him of that and see what he says.  Also, remind him that if he is such a scratch golfer, he should be out on tour earning for his family instead of hacking around with his buddies.

LuckyDad

Both partners deserve occasional breaks from parenthood, and it's good for them to negotiate those breaks with their partners. I think it can be challenging for new first time moms to take breaks for logistic and emotional reasons, and it's easy to have the attitude "I don't get a break! Why should you???"

A man needs hobbies and a life outside his family. A man also needs to be a man and support his wife and spend time with his children. There is a balance to be struck, and the only one to negotiate that balance with is one's spouse.

Coltsdad

Your husband needs to grow up and accept responsibility.  That isn't to say that he has to cut golf out completely.  Maybe go out once a month with the buddies and maybe hit a random bucket or two at the range on the other Sundays, you know, when it doesn't take 4+ hours.  He needs to grasp that, like it or not, the baby changes everything.  No matter what your hobby or escape is, whether it is video games, golf, going to the gym or 12 ounce curls on the deck, it is going to change when you have a baby.  Even something like watching action movies or raunchy comedies on TV/Blu Ray/DVD gets affected because you don't necessarily want to subject the child to the language/violence that early.  I can't tell you when the last time I watched a Kevin Smith movie was.

sadsadie

My husband read this post and was completely appalled. This is no way for a grown man to behave. And, as a PP pointed out, even if he was raised in an "old fashioned" household with poor male role models, that doesn't mean he has to continue in the same mold.

Don't let him get away with this behaviour any more. Lay down the law; no more golf on Sundays, taking full responsibility for LO when he arrives home from work, doing his share of the household duties, and NO BITCHING about how tired he is. He needs to see that unless things change, your family is in danger of being torn apart by anger and resentment. 

If you don't feel comfortable speaking to him about this alone, have your family come support you. Make it clear to him he has to change; continuing the way things are is NOT an option.

If, after being told what he needs to do, he refuses to get with the program...throw his *** out on  lawn and change the locks. That is not the kind of man-child you want to be involved with. For me, it would be a complete deal-breaker and my husband agrees.

LuckyDad

sadsadie:

Don't let him get away with this behaviour any more. Lay down the law; no more golf on Sundays, taking full responsibility for LO when he arrives home from work, doing his share of the household duties, and NO BITCHING about how tired he is. He needs to see that unless things change, your family is in danger of being torn apart by anger and resentment.

Honestly, this is the fast track to resentment and divorce. Laying down the law isn't what partners do in healthy marriages. They discuss things like adults and come to compromises. I totally agree the husband in question is golfing too much, but you're basically advocating that he gets no free time and no life. I can't imagine a faster way to destroy a marriage.

sadsadie

LuckyDad:

sadsadie:

Don't let him get away with this behaviour any more. Lay down the law; no more golf on Sundays, taking full responsibility for LO when he arrives home from work, doing his share of the household duties, and NO BITCHING about how tired he is. He needs to see that unless things change, your family is in danger of being torn apart by anger and resentment.

Honestly, this is the fast track to resentment and divorce. Laying down the law isn't what partners do in healthy marriages. They discuss things like adults and come to compromises. I totally agree the husband in question is golfing too much, but you're basically advocating that he gets no free time and no life. I can't imagine a faster way to destroy a marriage.

 

Well, considering the wife is already full of anger and resentment, I'd say husband is already doing a pretty damn fine job damaging the relationship with his selfish behaviour. This woman does need to lay down the law; indeed, women everywhere need to stop "excusing" men from their child-raising duties. It is not okay to say "but he's just a guy, that's how they are!" or some other stereotypical crap. Men are just as competent and important to child-rearing as women are, even if they don't always do things the same way.

This man is ignoring not only his wife's needs, but it sounds like he isn't bonding with the child either, which is totally unfair to that LO. If he were my husband I probably would have contacted a divorce lawyer already, but that's because for me, this kind of behaviour is a deal-breaker. Maybe this woman feels differently, and maybe they can "work through it." But unless this husband starts staying home more often and doing full-time dad duty, I really doubt things will get better. 

changingnames

This is obviously not acceptable behavior. Everyone needs some time to themselves but you just don't get as much when you have kids and it's extra rare with a newborn. With dh I don't care what he does if he is back before I wake up - so he surfs dawn patrol every Saturday and is back with bagels around nine. He is so grateful and refreshed by the water that I can usually peace out and climb back in bed- win win. You have to present tohim that you are working i24 hours a day while he is working nine to five five days a week. If he isn't at work then he should be splitting duties with you. That's how it goes. The one caveat in our house is that I do the night time parenting as far as when kids wake up in th emiddle of the night. If it is a weekend and dh doesn't have school or anything I might ask him to pitch in if I am extra tid but for the most part I do handle middle of the night stuff- BUT I expect him to handle the kids during the day if I am tid and he is home.